With all due respect, Future, this "plan" of yours is so full of holes, I don't know where to start.
"I don't know" is not a position from which to make MAJOR -- potentially LIFE-CHANGING -- decisions (divorce, custody, etc.).
Trying to reconcile without transparency is a recipe for disaster. The recidivism rate for infidelity is high, and when there is no "no-contact" letter sent, no transparency, and no good, infidelity-based MCing, it's EXTREMELY high -- I'd estimate over 90%.
As for her "assuring" you, if there IS no more contact, she will say there is no more contact. And if there IS still contact, she will say there is no more contact. Good luck with that.
By the way, how can you be "relatively certain" the affair is over, if you have no intel???
Again, I don't really have a plan right now, I'm just throwing out my thoughts and feelings, totally for the purpose of getting reactions and opinions from folks here, which I greatly appreicate.
I will probably require some sort of plan for dealing with her infidelity, again assuming I even want to move forward with her. Again though, the fact that OM is so far away makes it a bit easier for me. She can't bump into him, or spontaneously arrange an afternoon meeting. It takes her a day to get there and a day to get back, so it would be pretty obvious if she were to leave for three days! However, he could always come here, shore up in a hotel, and arrange some afternoon delight. So far he's shown himself to be a coward, always requiring her to come to him.
As I said in my ealier post, I'm not sure I'm real big on demanding transparency, it seems so weak. I would have to make it clear that if she EVER betrays me again, at all, I will be absolutely GONE, for good, and I will be merciless in the divorce. It all has to do with being the strong man I never was in our M.
In my case, I'm not worried about casual recitivism during reconciliation. I not NOT worried about it, but my major concern is more like ten to fifteen years from now, when the kids are grown up, and if our M hits a rough patch, will she run back to OM? That's what I'm worried about, and I can't demand transparency for the rest of our life together. That's how I'm stuck, and that's why I very well might decide to just leave her and my M behind. I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life worrying about that.
I understand that I can't trust her regarding her statements about OM. Again, since he's so far away, I can get some amount of assurance as time goes by and she doesn't go back there. I know from previous intel that their long distance thing was NOT working out, which was a big reason it ended. Right after the first time she met up with him they "broke up" because it was impossible. She got it going again, but it had nowhere near the excitement and luster, and when she got back from seeing him the second time, they broke up again, for longer. She scraped and scrounged and begged and managed to get it sort of going again, but it was seriously dying last fall when she went the last time. I have no idea what happened, as I had stopped my intel by then for my own sanity, but immeiately upon return she told me she wasn't going back. This last time she went she didn't stay with OM, I do know that from a little intel. She did legitimately spend most of her time in training for her work. She may have seen OM, probably did, and probably had sex with him too, but I do know their romance was on serious life support.
She's come out of the fog to some degree, and she sees how he backed away from his previous intent to move here so they could be blissfully happy. W was going through her heartbreak last fall, and now seems over it to a large degree. It's been three to six months, depending on exactly what happend, but from what I understand, that's a reasonable time for the obsession over an A to be nearly erased. But as you say Puppy, I don't really KNOW, since I refuse to do the intel thing again. My soul can't handle any more. If I decide to try for reconciliation, I'll have to trust to some degree. I always thought I'd insist on a no contact letter though, so I'd probably do that.
