2 weeks left to DB

[newmama]

Ownership in the name....well make it a list of all names YOU would like so that he chooses one you liked anyway! And regularly married couples fight over naming the baby too, btw!

The rest sounds like the perfect set up for you H to bond with your daughter...but I hate saying this...I hope it wakes your H up....but I did exactly as your coach described when interacting with WH regarding baby and he is still with OW. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOUR H will do the same... :-)

About the 4 pregnant women- wow she can add 4 more now! I hope you all feel proud! (BD, Piano, Gatsby!)

[Piano]

Thanks gals. NM, as I was posting, I was thinking of you and your sitch every step of the way...!! I was going to mention it at the end of my post, but sorta wanted your reaction first...sneaky me!

It's Bo Peep all the way....

I wonder if we had the same coach?

NM - trying to figure out the psychology of our husbands. Similarities/differences. Was yours scared of becoming a father pre-birth? Did he have a father? Was your pregancy planned? Did it take a long time to conceive? (sorry if qs are blunt)

[Piano]

Hi BD and G, I am feeling better :-) Over my cold, back at my apartment with BIL, and feeling relaxed today. My baby monitor arrived today in the mail - the contraptions we use these days!! Oh la la!

I am happy to reflect the joy of parenthood because I feel it anyway (despite the circumstances, I love being pregnant, how about you gals?)

The name was something I chose a while ago and H loved it too, so there is no battle ground there. Easy.

Move forward - well, doing it anyway as there is no choice

Including him in being a parent - I have to by law anyway and since I don't want to bring her into an aggro situation, it seems best to keep it very positive around the birth and hopefully the oxytocin will be aiding and abetting that

What happens after all that... who knows?

[gatsby11]

Hey,

I'm still awake! It was pushing through to watch 30 Rock.

I feel joy of parenthood, and I feel really happy to be pregnant even at this time. But I am worried, just worried that I'll hate the summer and the newborn time! What I like is that if I try to project the "joy" to him if I'm around him, it will automatically come back to me. So I really like that.

[Babydoll]

other than my hardship with H, pregnancy for me was a piece of cake. I was fortunate enough to get pregnant right away, although sometimes I think it may have added to H wanting to run away so quickly. but no sickness, no complaints! hope the delivery is that easy! hahahaha

few weeks ago, I was so sad i felt disconnected to the baby maybe I was focusing too much on myself.

but it is all becoming very real to me, finally, and am very excited to enjoy the last trimester and the baby plans...

[newmama]

ok so in a weird way, my response to the following q's gives me hope for your sitch, Piano!

NM - trying to figure out the psychology of our husbands. Similarities/differences. Was yours scared of becoming a father pre-birth? Did he have a father? Was your pregancy planned? Did it take a long time to conceive? (sorry if qs are blunt)

No-WH was not unusually scared of being a dad. Yes, he had a birth father and a stepfather. His mom left his birth father bc she "fell in love" with the stepfather who was her next door neighbor! She cheated! She wanted her H back 18 months later but he didn't take her back and said he has regretted it.

YES our pregnancy was planned!!! Which is why this kills me!!! We started trying the year before, then I learned I had a cyst in my ovary,had it removed. WH admitted reluctance toward the end of us beng a couple if we had a baby. and so I told him to let me know when he was ready. He told me in October and we tried-bam. pregnant right away. (but the same month he started up with OW!!!!)

The thing I could see both our H's share is what your DB coach said:

Coach has spoken to a few men around their 40s who have walked away from their wives when they are pregnant because they cannot assume the role of father and husband, and conceive the idea of happiness at the same time. For them, these goals cannot meld.

although my WH was 33 at the time!

So maybe because there were differences in our WHs, then yours will come around.

[newmama]

so what do you think, Piano? Do you agree with the coach's assessment of your H? ? Do you see differences between our Hs? btw I didn't have a woman for a DB coach!

[Piano]

Ok, so we haven't had the same coach...

I agree with coach that H does feel inadequate. And that the last thing he could handle in his life was more reponsibility and pressure which would lead to unhapiness. He's had a tonful of pressure the last few years.

My H is 39 going on 40. But a very young 39! Acts more like 25!

My H didn't have a father or stepfather. One or two father role models however. Had mentioned to others over the years that fatherhood scared him a little, but how unusual is that? All close to him knew that becoming a father would be rather momentus and important for him given his past... i guess I had an inlking just how momentus

Ours was planned. 14 months. fert treatment in 13th month cos of my polycistic ovaries. Happened 'naturally' in 14th month. But still not romantic. I was highly stressed by process and the timeline we had given ourseleves. H told me in final months he thought it would be best to wait until we moved countries, not to rush it, was already stressful enough. I was adamant we 'stick to schedule' and give it our best shot because treatment was covered by the govt health care system in Europe, not in my country, and I knew we would be seperated 3 months and by the time things got rolling again it would mean a 6 month delay (plus expenses). I get pregs, two weeks later make the move overseas, 2-3 weeks later H in OW arms.

Am seeing some parallels with your sitch there....

[newmama]

SO was the 3 month separation due to work issues on his part?

Do you think now he wantd to wait until you moved countries because he was with OW?

[Piano]

The 3 month separation was due to both our jobs. He was managing a company and had to stay until Xmas to finish up. I had a job starting October so had to go before him.

This sort of transition separation was normal for us.

I don't think he waited till I left to start the affair. I think it crept up on him when I was gone... his life started getting out of control... We had given up our apartment, he was camping at a friend's place, work was very stressful, it was winter, he was miserable, he was wrapping up things administrationally and startting to say goodbye to people and there not being enough time.. So much pressure. And realised along the way how much he didn't want to leave.

In a way I encouraged him into OWs arms unwittingly because the first two weekends after I left, a group of them incl OW went on two weekends away (to OW's brother's 40th birthday party in the countryside - OW brother is my H's oldest friend) and the 2nd weekend the same group (who I am very close to) went on a nostalgic trip back to the place they all went on summer holidays as children. I thought it would be good for him!

But those trips back to childhood, of which OW was a part, started the affair.

In the month following that, WH's communication with me became very needed and lots of 'I love yous' (to me), then it dropped to very little and very unreliable for the 2nd month (Nov) which a deep fatigue becoming aparent by Dec but back to lots of I love yous.

Before getting on the plane he emailed me how much he couldn't wait to see me and how much he needed to sleep and rest..."I could sleep for a thousand years"...

Arrived, all was good for first 24 hrs. Then he started to look crestfallen and angry. Then Bomb.