Transitions happen so gradually.. dark night fading to gray to meet the emerging wash of color with the dawn of each new day. Perceptions and images change slowly, gradually.
What was once a lingering limbo turns to light, one spectrum at a time.
Perhaps I'm experiencing that. Expanding in some areas while living a few contractions of fear.
My almost 93 year old mother in law is having a recent bout of medical problems, the aging of the brain and body. I've stepped up from once a month to twice a month to weekly. One thing I've learned from my dad's death is that I never regretted the time I spent with him and my mother, moments that last for a lifetime but if missed, can never be reclaimed.
Like most people, the loss of my mother in law's spouse changed her focus from being content to live an insular life with her husband to learning to be in greater contact with her children. Over time a new relationship has formed. When I go to see her now, I plan on spending several hours with her (I live an hour and a half away). We discuss current events, some pleasant memories, play cards (teaching her games she doesn't know). Before I leave I give her a Soft Touch hand massage which deeply soothes her. It's always a beautiful, wonderful visit.
And yet, hearing one daughter's tone, I have to make sure I don't cross boundaries. She is their mother, I am not a blood relative. If they get riled, they shun people. I keep my mantra of "Whatever works for my mother-in-law works for me."
Anyway, after coming back from a quick visit to make her a meal (she stopped eating and I thought the scent of food would help) and during my third traffic tie up while trying to get home in time to do my daughter's hair and most of the other girls' hair for the show with 20 minutes and counting, I saw the former spouse's name calling on my cell phone.
I answered.
He told me he was taking me to court because I'd done nothing to get his name off the mortgage 16 months after the divorce. That he was looking forward to telling the judge his story. I tried to interject the agreements we'd made, the roadblocks that'd come up (many in part to his incorrect actions). He talked over me, called me some names and hung up.
My first thought was everything I'd have to do to avoid the threat of going to court, or possibly do. Momentary 9.1 Richter scale panic set in. Then I realized, it was 5:30 on a Friday afternoon. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it until Monday.
And I let it go.
I knew my responsibilities, what was important. To get home to my daughter, do the hair, get to the school, spend several hours doing the same for others then enjoy the show. And that's what I did.
Yet I let myself be bound by my own emotions from his continuing abusive emails. Being venomous to me when he's at fault, threatening, bullying.
Yet I can step away, even though those thoughts linger, and at times multiply, increasing the anxiety I lived daily in the marriage.
But I'm doing better.
And guess what! Just when he's threatening legal action, everything is falling in place. The loan modification was approved, which means I can assume the mortgage with whatever blots from the process on my credit nullified. Almost like a phoenix emerging from the ashes.
The divorce is a shadow.. perhaps why I feel there's little I can contribute here. Like many I feel a huge sense of relief no longer to be caught in the muck although I still don't believe marriages should end without an open and honest appraisal, without jointly doing everything to make it work. But, hey... I'm a different person now, or maybe I'm more of the person I was meant to be.
Anyway.. lots of words.. more love and hugs to y'all.. peace and blessings, health and joy in life.
