Hi Piano and M&H! Thanks for stopping by! I will post after my therapist appointment (it's in 4 hours) but wanted to clarify a couple of things first...
About goals- I don't know what goals to have in place when I am doing LRT and my WH is about to file. I mean I know that sounds silly since we are all here because our spouse has said they wanted a D.
But the difference for me I think is that after the 4th time he brought it up, he only waited 1 month (not 3 or 6) to tell me he wants to proceed. So I have to believe him.
My goals WERE to get him to spend more time here, ask me questions about what I was doing, compliment me, maybe touch me or offer some physical touch. He didn't spend MORE time here, he occasionally asked me Qs, he did compliment me, and there were times where he "didn't avoid" my body if I was standing close to him. Oh and the biggest obstacle- he was/is having an affair.
For me, I made improvements (still am)and got out of my comfort zone to meet new people. Next is signing up for activities (I took some fun classes but couldn't continue.
For LRT I need to go find my book- I hid it in my dresser drawer, but I have no goals in mind...my hope is maybe WH will miss me and his house and realize he wants an intact family and end the A.
argh. I need to detach. That is my most urgent goal.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Just found this thread on LRT and maybe can use it to find goals!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Ok so my therapist made these points: 1) He thinks that my "approach" till now made complete sense because it wasn't causing me pain, it was showing my best sides and changes, it was something that I will never regret having done.
2)Because I still want to reconcile, it makes sense that I "do something different" at this juncture since it seems the previous approach didn't achieve the result of reconcilation.
3)He also stated the current approach sounded like it was something I need for me, since it is obvious that I am angry and hurt and need some space from WH.
4)He said he was bent toward "killing with kindness" in relationship scenarios so he warned me it was his bias. But if I can maintain friendly interaction then it would help more than hinder the relationship. He did say that if it is too hard for me at this time, then business like friendly is a happy medium.
5)I told him I didn't want to stay friends with WH if we divorce. He said "actually, studies show the couple can become friends after divorce!" I said that I don't believe in it and he reminded me that for my son's sake it is best to be amicable. I assured him that of course I would be amicable but will never approve or accept his relationship with her.
6)He asked when I would give up hope for reconcilation. I asked him if he could honestly tell me if my hope is unwarranted. He said statistically, the longer a couple is separated, the less likelihood they will end up together BUT HE CANNOT tell me it won't happen because he has seen it happenry ANd he has had couples remarry after divorce! Therefore it is possible and if I still want to reconcile, then it is healthy and rational for me to have hope. I did tell him that I think if the divorce goes through, I will give up hope at that point and move on. It seems like I need divorce to give me closure.
7)He asked me when I would file if he doesn't--this floored me--I told him that HE needs to file if HE wants this. My therapist told me that of course it is obvious that I am pro marriage and want the marriage to work and I have every right not to file BUT some people sit on filing for years- like he has a couple of clients currently who won't file the papers and it has been 2-3 years!!!
8)I asked him why-what is the hold up--he explained something about approach-retreat...that when someone doesn't want to make the final decision, they get close to it but then backtrack because they see the bad points of divorce. But then when they think about leaving the other person, then they see bad points to that. So they end up stuck.
9)I told him that I noticed it seemed WH brought up divorce every 3 months but the last time there was a 6 month span. He told me it was good that I noticed that pattern and to use it. He said an idea for me to consider is that if I am in too much pain with WH's lack of action (IF he hasn't filed), then perhaps I start to take action toward filing three months from now.
Ultimately, my therapist is not telling me to divorce or to hang on to hope- he is a pro marriage counselor so he does not encourage divorce (I am assuming there are exceptions).
I think what he is saying is that if I get to the point of being DONE then I need to be the one to file if he hasn't. When I told him that it is only fair that WH is the one to do it, he said wouldn't it be great if the world operated that way- that people would do the just thing--but it is possible that WH will always be too wimpy to do it. So I should have a deadline IF I continue to be suffering and need the closure.
Of course we have more to delve into. On Monday I go back. He did tell me that I could try to use body language to get WH to see that I need him to stay by the door and not linger. If a few days go by and he isn't getting the hint, I can kindly tell him something like "I am adjusting right now and need to have distance from you. For now, I need us to just exchange S here at the door. In the future, I will let you know when I am comfortable letting you come inside." OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT- I need to figure out what to say.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Very good session, I like your counselor. The one thing I do not agree with is the "3 months you file" thing... no one can tell you when you are done. Who knows, it may be one month from now, but look at some of the people that did reconcile, they stood for YEARS. I am willing and ready to stand for years. I did before for almost 2 years before I gave up. This time, I'm doing things differently, as is he... but no one is going to tell me when to file. Firstly, I don't believe in filing b/c I don't believe in D. Anyway, the rest of it sounds wonderful.
Thanks CW and M&H! You are right, this was an intense session and very helpful at the same time. As for my counselor suggesting when to file, I will clarify on MOnday but I think he meant if I am in pain and can't handle this in 3 months...
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I agree, big difference between 'amicable' and 'friends'! I also told my H we would never be friends. I don't mean that we can't be friendly to each other, but just not anywhere close the friends that we were.
Glad that work is occurring there and that you're going back on Monday.
Are you watching The Office? Pretty interesting stuff!
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
I understand the hurting thing, but remember that feelings are fleeting - you won't be hurting if you are working on making yourself happy. Three months is a long time to suffer.
I'm not trying to convince you. I'm just saying, don't let anyone sway you either direction. Do what is best for you according to what you know to be best based on thoughtful reflection and time - lots of time - to think it through. Outside of the influence of "feelings."
Heck, it's my H's "feelings" that have me here on this board in the first place. He "feels" in love and "feels" she's his soul mate and "feels" that he can never work on our M b/c he doesn't "feel" like he has it in him. Get the drift? If once he "felt" like working on things, his "feelings" would change.
Likewise, you should feel like working on yourself. I feel hurt and angry now, but I know that will change with my own actions to make it change.
I don't know if I am making it clear what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry if I didn't.
I also like the sound of your counselor. A pro-marriage one. Lo and behold they don't exist in my part of the world.
Points 1, 2, 3 - yup Point 4 - it's one way to try to bust a divorce. At least it creates a positive environment for the child Point 5 - it took my parents & their new wifes/husbands 25 years to become good friends post the divorce of my folks. Today we all celebrate together (birthdays, xmas), and they hang out. Up until reaching this point, they were amicable/civil.
As for when to file, it seeems there are no rules... What's your feeling now NM, after a few hours to digest?
Marked and Healed, great post. So true, logic and reason don't work with these WAS's in a A. Lord knows I've been pushing that trolley for 4 months and it got me nowhere. Well in fact it got me futher up sh!t creek without a paddle and gave him more reasons to close himself to me. Emotions are the only thing that these WAHs can tap in to. So what you're saying is we need to not do what they are doing? Which would mean we need to make decisions according to our values?
