still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

Ok so my therapist made these points:
1) He thinks that my "approach" till now made complete sense because it wasn't causing me pain, it was showing my best sides and changes, it was something that I will never regret having done.

2)Because I still want to reconcile, it makes sense that I "do something different" at this juncture since it seems the previous approach didn't achieve the result of reconcilation.

3)He also stated the current approach sounded like it was something I need for me, since it is obvious that I am angry and hurt and need some space from WH.

4)He said he was bent toward "killing with kindness" in relationship scenarios so he warned me it was his bias. But if I can maintain friendly interaction then it would help more than hinder the relationship. He did say that if it is too hard for me at this time, then business like friendly is a happy medium.

5)I told him I didn't want to stay friends with WH if we divorce. He said "actually, studies show the couple can become friends after divorce!" I said that I don't believe in it and he reminded me that for my son's sake it is best to be amicable. I assured him that of course I would be amicable but will never approve or accept his relationship with her.

6)He asked when I would give up hope for reconcilation. I asked him if he could honestly tell me if my hope is unwarranted. He said statistically, the longer a couple is separated, the less likelihood they will end up together BUT HE CANNOT tell me it won't happen because he has seen it happenry ANd he has had couples remarry after divorce! Therefore it is possible and if I still want to reconcile, then it is healthy and rational for me to have hope. I did tell him that I think if the divorce goes through, I will give up hope at that point and move on. It seems like I need divorce to give me closure.

7)He asked me when I would file if he doesn't--this floored me--I told him that HE needs to file if HE wants this. My therapist told me that of course it is obvious that I am pro marriage and want the marriage to work and I have every right not to file BUT some people sit on filing for years- like he has a couple of clients currently who won't file the papers and it has been 2-3 years!!!

8)I asked him why-what is the hold up--he explained something about approach-retreat...that when someone doesn't want to make the final decision, they get close to it but then backtrack because they see the bad points of divorce. But then when they think about leaving the other person, then they see bad points to that. So they end up stuck.

9)I told him that I noticed it seemed WH brought up divorce every 3 months but the last time there was a 6 month span. He told me it was good that I noticed that pattern and to use it. He said an idea for me to consider is that if I am in too much pain with WH's lack of action (IF he hasn't filed), then perhaps I start to take action toward filing three months from now.

Ultimately, my therapist is not telling me to divorce or to hang on to hope- he is a pro marriage counselor so he does not encourage divorce (I am assuming there are exceptions).

I think what he is saying is that if I get to the point of being DONE then I need to be the one to file if he hasn't. When I told him that it is only fair that WH is the one to do it, he said wouldn't it be great if the world operated that way- that people would do the just thing--but it is possible that WH will always be too wimpy to do it. So I should have a deadline IF I continue to be suffering and need the closure.

Of course we have more to delve into. On Monday I go back. He did tell me that I could try to use body language to get WH to see that I need him to stay by the door and not linger. If a few days go by and he isn't getting the hint, I can kindly tell him something like "I am adjusting right now and need to have distance from you. For now, I need us to just exchange S here at the door. In the future, I will let you know when I am comfortable letting you come inside." OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT- I need to figure out what to say.