No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[rysmom]

This is a great post. I think I'll copy it and carry it with me when Im tempted to call.

[MrBond]

rysmom,

The biggest thing is to understand what detaching is. It doesn't necessarily mean you don't physically see them or not stay in physical contact. It means you detach from their drama.

It's like the WAS is on a roller coaster going through all the twists and turns. You have a choice. You can either get on the roller coaster with them and get dragged along their mistakes and drama, OR you can get off and let them go through the ride themselves while you go off and do something you want to do like grabbing cotton candy.

Point is, don't let the WAS's drama become yours. There were times when my W was at her worst and I took everything personally. Things started to shift when she would go off on a rant and I could stand back and not be affected by her words. It was almost like she became the weird homeless person muttering to himself. I just let her do her own thing.

Did it hurt doing it? Yes. Was I afraid of losing her? Hell yes.

But you do it a little at a time and rebuild your self-esteem.

[rysmom]

Where is your w living? Do your daughters live with her? I think it would be alot easier if the spouse wasn't having an a, if they were gone.

[MrBond]

My W lives with her sister and we split the kids 50/50. I get them Sun-Tues. and she gets them Wed. -Friday. We alternate Saturdays although we usually spend the whole day together with them.

She complains that she wishes she could have the kids all of the time and I just looked at her and said that was the most selfish thing I have ever heard of since I am their father. There was a time when she said something about how she should have the kids since it would be in their best interest. So I told her, how much of "their interests" did she consider when she had her A with her boss. And to think if she really thought of them when she was cheating. That shut her down.

It may sound cruel, but hey it is what it is. She threw all that stuff at me emotionally/verbally when she was in her position of "power" and all I'm doing is repeating what she said. Sometimes you need to be firm to assert yourself and to show that you aren't going to be pushed around any longer. It doesn't mean that you yourself have to be mean-spirited and nasty, but you can throw a few truth darts at them so that the start realizing the consequences of their actions.

I don't say it to hurt her or make her feel guilty. I merely tell her the truth. Alot of time she looks at me in shock saying that she doesn't "remember" saying any of those things.

So in my sitch, my W did have an A. It was an EA, but it was with her boss and I couldn't compete with someone whom she saw all the time. He dropped her like a bad habit though and said he was "working things out" in his M. He just wanted to get in her pants and I told my W that flat out. Up to her if that's the kind of man she wants to go out with.

[MrBond]

Things are continually improving every day.

Today when my W dropped off my D's she gave me a gift from my D's and her "just because". Then she started asking about my day and initiated more conversation.

So far so good.

[JacT]

Bond you have helped many people on these forums.You know what works and what doesnt.
I will remind you of something you said to me 'it takes time to get rid of years of negativity' so patience here is key.
I have read all your threads tonight and you have been strong and persisent when many us would have flagged.
For whats its worth,being an inexperienced DB,I would suggest treading a little more carefully on what you remind your wife about what she has said.
Remember she is trying to heal, close the wounds,its clear she is in pain for what she has done and I am not sure she needs reminding.Much of what she has said will be lost in the fog.

Sandi, I think mentioned that your old R with your wife has gone and its time to start a new life together if thats what you want.
At this point in her journey I am not sure your wife is convinced you are capable of forgiveness.

I told her that I've had to shoulder all of the burdens that have come up due to her leaving (the kids crying, her boss trying to get me fired, etc.) and that it was getting to the point where she has to do something to make things right. I told her that she needed to start acting like a mother and a wife and that I was calling her out on her BS. And that I expected her to call me out on mine if I ever behaved the same way.

When do you get to a point when you stop reminding her?... to let the wounds close completely and let her believe you are the lighthouse and that she is safe to make her way home.
Its clear from your thread you are still very raw..if we on your threads can see this, your wife will too.
I am sure fear is keeping her away.. frightened thats she not capable of being the wife and mother she wants to be.

You are the one person who can give her back her confidence.
In terms of encouragement,would it be possible for you to plan a weekend away with the girls? A change of scenery, somewhere you both hold dear and which may awaken some very positive and enjoyable memories?
No pressure different rooms...etc etc but a change away from all the negative influences...

[MrBond]

JacT,

Quite honestly I had gotten over her A and her actions to a point. I don't bring them up and let things slide...to a point.

There have been consequences that have arisen from her decisions that needed to be addressed, like her boss coming to my working place to get me fired or my daughter's skin disease. Do I blame her? Sure but not as badly as it may seem.

I'm perfectly fine with letting things go, however, her actions has caused consequencs that are affecting me. And I'm not talking about emotions. Her boss was really trying to get me arrested for things I didn't do all behind her back. She works with him, therefore she is accountable for that.

It's not so much her actions that bring things to a head. It's her INACTION.

Many times our WASs have walked over us so much with a "holier than thou" attitude that they get into the habit of not treating us with respect. During this ordeal, I did the not bringing up things that bugged me and let her do what she wished. It didn't work. So I started calling her out on her BS when it was warranted and guess what? She started to talk to me more respectfully and she has actually be doing more.

My C once told me that someone in MLC will act totally selfish even when deep down inside they know it's wrong. It's as if their moral compass has lost direction. So she recommended I tell her when she's being disrespectful to me while I am standing my ground about the M and it's worked.

I'm by no means perfect. And I know there are times when I let everything out in a way that may not be the nicest. For those times I apologize to her then restate what my issue was. She responds positively to those as well.

Do I think I'm judgemental? Probably. Do I still work on it? Constantly. And all I can say is that like the rest of us, I'm trying.

Thanks for the post.

[twolf]

Mr bound i read you post on taking a stand thats what ive started to do and it seams like she is starting to respect me and be freindllyer aswell. Got my weavos back.

[JacT]

Bond as I said you know what works best.I am not critising you and apologise you found the need to be defensive.I had hoped I was helping to facilitate your thought process as you did with me and posted because I care.We need someone to lead the way and show it can be done.
I agree the OM behaviour is appauling but are you surprised? They are slime balls thats what they do..destroy people..hurt people, hurt kids, destroy family units...I know what MLC does to people .I see it in my H to the point he has completely cut off his children,family,friends.His moral compass no longer exists never mind lost...
What do you want her to do in terms of action?
Do you actually believe anything she does will make a difference to this OM?...no chance cos in his eyes he won the battle but you have won the war..and you have..He used your wife..they all use their A partners.
In her frail state, what action would you like your wife to take?Perhaps you need initially to spell it out to her.
I know my H hasnt a clue where to start in fixing his mess and he needs someone to help.Unfortunately I do not have the R now to help...so he has to figure it out, I am not confident he will.
Its clear you are very in love with your wife Bond(I wish my H found the courage to fight for his family in the way you have),she is a very lucky woman.

[MrBond]

JacT,

Oh don't worry about it. I didn't take your post in a bad way and I apologize if my response sounded defensive. I was just stating my POV.

For the LBS, detachment is the key. That's why it's okay for the WAS to feel the way they do, but when they start getting aggressive in MAKING you see their POV, then I feel you have to remind them that they are entitled to feel and act as they want, but it is NOT how YOU feel. That's your boundary.

The problem is trying to get re-attached when things start getting good.