help with a plan

[Coach]

"Wife, you asked the other day what we are going to do. Here is what I decided. I won't live in a open marriage. Unless you break off all contact and we have complete transparency, meaning I have access to your e-mail, cell phone and know where you are going to be. If you can't agree to that then this marriage is over and I won't move out of my house. If you do agree to that then we will attend MC together and work on the issues that keep us from feeling loved and respected to each other."

She tested you. See she has a plan because she can't trust you to have one - she really needs this from her husband. She wants clarity, a plan and boundaries because it's healthy and mature.

She asked, "What do you think?"

She is telling you exactly what she wants.

[idontunderstand]

My God, am I really that stupid?
She throws in there about how she wouldn't take the kids and didn't expect me to be a part time dad. I'm thinking she's being nice and truthful.

See she has a plan because she can't trust you to have one - she really needs this from her husband. She wants clarity, a plan and boundaries because it's healthy and mature.

I understand.

No more questions today. I will say this to her tonight.

[pigskin]

Has anyone else gone this route of taking turns staying at the house with the kids? Is it a good compromise? Will it do any good or is she just buying time?

I had this arrangement with my W under the agreement that all contact with OM was dropped. I wasn't about to inconvenience myself in the least if she was running around behind my back.

The agreement lasted 2 weeks. She violated the boundary and I told her I was no longer going to swap out with her. Now we just swap the kids.

I think you have to be adamant about making no compromises if the OM is still in the picture. That is a dealbreaker. If OM is around, you live like divorced people - since that is basically what you are. That means she moves out and goes wherever. When/if she agrees to no contact with OM and is willing to provide proof, you can talk about compromises.

No deals, no counseling, and certainly no going out of your way for your W if there is OM contact.

[idontunderstand]

I agree, Pigskin.

I think I will tell her what Coach said. I really believe that the only reason she is staying at all is because she has nowhere to go and not enough money. She could stay with her brother who is divorced, but no one to watch the kids. School is almost over and that is another thing to consider. In a couple of weeks, someone will be watching all four kids, she won't have school to take care of them.

She asked about money last night. Weather to split it up or keep it as it is. As long as we are still together, I said leave it as it is. If she decides to move out, then we would split things up.

I hope if I go with what Coach has said, it will strike a nerve with her. I really have nothing to lose.

[idontunderstand]

Journaling:

W was supposed to pick up my contacts when she got off of work Mon. Said she forgot. I called her at work this morning to remind her. They said she wasn't there, she must be on break. Called her cel and she didn't answer so I sent her a txt. "Please pick up my contacts if u have time. thx."

Two minutes later, I get a txt back, OK.

I hate txting!!! It's just as well, she doesn't want to talk and niether did I.

As the day goes on, I am getting more and more anxious. I have to be strong and stand up for myself and my family. I HAVE TO!

[pigskin]

Journaling:

W was supposed to pick up my contacts when she got off of work Mon. Said she forgot. I called her at work this morning to remind her. They said she wasn't there, she must be on break. Called her cel and she didn't answer so I sent her a txt. "Please pick up my contacts if u have time. thx."

Two minutes later, I get a txt back, OK.

I hate txting!!! It's just as well, she doesn't want to talk and niether did I.

As the day goes on, I am getting more and more anxious. I have to be strong and stand up for myself and my family. I HAVE TO!

Anxiety is tough, it comes and goes with me too. Just say a prayer when you're feeling overwhelmed with it and trust God to take care of you no matter what.

A question - if your wife was your girlfriend and not your wife, and you had no kids, what would you do? I'm guessing you would come home from work and break up with her. You are worried about all the other stuff, but when the time comes, and it may never come, you will take care of it. When you are anxious try to smack yourself and tell yourself not to think about anything past today. Read Matthew 6:25-34.

[idontunderstand]

I know the Bible passage to which to refer:

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

"...do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I know not to worry. She has changed so quickly before and probably will again. I like how Coach explained it and how she asked me what I thought. "So, what do you think?" she asked. I have my answer to her question now. Hopefully it is the right one.

I just keep getting surprised, you know? I think I am prepared for anything and she proves time and time again that I am not. I need to be a quicker study here.

I'm doing okay. Settling down some.

I can and must do this.

Thanks, as always, Pigskin!

[LSG]

idontunderstand,

Nobody is prepared for everything. Sometimes mistakes are the best way to get it right. In the end, that is what you want. It is never too late. Don't beat yourself up over this because that will only put more pressure on you.

Surprise yourself!

[idontunderstand]

Nothing new here.

Last night was pretty pleasant. W told me her plans for track meet today, her work schedule, which is messed up, and had supper ready for me when I got home. No R talk at all. Relaxed is the best word I can think of.

I'm sure there is some ulterior motive. At the same time, it was nice. I have been practicing my response in my "voice" and am getting closer to actually feeling it than faking it. I will give her a choice, not the other way around.

Am I wrong for waiting? I don't know. Believe me, I am not being lulled asleep by her good behaviour, but, if only for a few days, the house is much more enjoyable.

[pigskin]

Nothing new here.

Last night was pretty pleasant. W told me her plans for track meet today, her work schedule, which is messed up, and had supper ready for me when I got home. No R talk at all. Relaxed is the best word I can think of.

I'm sure there is some ulterior motive. At the same time, it was nice. I have been practicing my response in my "voice" and am getting closer to actually feeling it than faking it. I will give her a choice, not the other way around.

Am I wrong for waiting? I don't know. Believe me, I am not being lulled asleep by her good behaviour, but, if only for a few days, the house is much more enjoyable.

Doesn't surprise me that she wouldn't bring the topic up, as it has serious living arrangement consequences for her.

She'll be happy to live in limbo and see the OM when she wants, if that is indeed what she's doing.

Are you wrong for waiting? Depends on why you are waiting. If you are not ready to deliver the message yet, and are still getting your ducks in a row, then fine. If you are waiting for her to make a move, then you may be waiting a long time, since she probably WON'T make a move. No reason to. She can cake eat.

There are 3 options: work on the marriage (with a transparency and no contact with OM agreement in place), separate/divorce, or limbo. She will definitely take limbo, but you don't want that. Give her the two other options and let her choose.

If she agrees to work on the marriage, tell her the OM has to be out of the picture for you to accept it. Then ask her what she is willing to do to prove the OM is out of the picture. Then you can tell her what you need to be comfortable that the proof is sufficient.