WAW still around, DBing starting to work

[Coach]

You did great GW, see what happens when you agree and aren't emotional?

Don't know what tonight will bring.

Expect her to test your resolve. She will push your buttons to see how strong you are. Stay detached, confident and in control of yourself. The more she sees you pulling away (dropping the rope, walking away, detaching etc) the more she can pursue. make sense?

[gutwrenching]

Thanks Coach for the quick reply. Been a tough day after a tough night followed by the confusion of the sleeping arrangement.

In what ways do you think she will push my buttons/test resolve? How is it she would see how strong I am?

Makes sense. Maybe I should even start going through some of our financial files, making plans to split assets. That really bothered her last night. At one point she said she would leave the room since she couldnt stop crying and let me sleep. I said I won't sleep much, got too many things swirling in my brain. She replied you are trying to figure out how to split everything up and close all our accounts. I said nothing. Then she really started crying.

[Coach]

She replied you are trying to figure out how to split everything up and close all our accounts.

Important to note this (it's mind reading). Women make statements that are questions. "Are you trying to figure out how to split everything and close all of our accounts?"

You should have said, "No wife that is not what I am thinking if you want to know then please ask."

In what ways do you think she will push my buttons/test resolve? How is it she would see how strong I am?

Draw you into a argument, question your changes, mind reading - tell you what you thinking, doing, and feeling.

She will see you as strong when you can listen to her valid complaints and understand her, when you call her on bad behavior, and she sees you want her not need her.

You want to be a lightening rod for her anger right now (BS behavior excluded.) Anger is good it means she is conflicted if she gets angry just smile on the inside and handle it. She needs to know that she can be a emotional wreck and you are a rock - in control, confident and decisive in your thinking. Time to be a leader. You can handle it.

Cheers

[idontunderstand]

Hey, GW

Just stopping by because I, like so many others can relate to the roller coaster. Coach, and others, helped me out yesterday when I really needed it.

In what ways do you think she will push my buttons/test resolve? How is it she would see how strong I am?

I have trouble recognizing the tests myself. What we, as LBS, think of as a setback, may be a test and a sign that we are getting through to them. According to Coach, I have failed many tests. Usually we can go back and fix our f-ups.

We have to stay strong and in control. I am getting more and more nervous the closer it gets to quitting time. I know what I need to do. It won't be easy. Then again, the past few months haven't been easy.

My W brought up S last night and the financial stuff. She wants us to take turn leaving while the other stays with the kids. That way, she doesn't have to face the reality of getting her own place, uprooting the kids and letting everyone outside of the family know what's going on. Coach said she needs me to take charge. Don't agree to it. Tell her no contact and counseling and go from there.

Anyway, the point is, listen to Coach. Period. While our marriages may not be able to be saved, the way we handle things gives us the best chance even though it may not feel like it. My stomach is in a knot right now. How much worse could it be if she left?

While I am getting used to it, I still get caught off guard by the roller coaster of ups and downs. All happy and cheerful one second, and we're thinking, maybe things are turning around, we will be okay. The next, back to the venom spitting alien.

Keep your resolve and stay strong. So hard, I know.

[gutwrenching]

Got it Coach! Thanks again, I follow 100%! Looking at your perspective has actually helped my PMA believe it or not.

And W just called me at work. Very friendly. I have avoided her all day very successfully. I saw it was her number and hoped the secretary was out because I wasn't going to answer...secretary answered so I talked to her.

W was very friendly, very soft spoken tones of voice, not at all distant/angry/cold. She asked about a project she saw I had been handed. Told her I was just starting to work it, will get thru it fine. She said I can help with one part and just e-mail you my thoughts that you can either use or not. I said that would be nice, thank you. I stayed distant/distracted. She said I can tell you are thinking about these things, I should let you go. I said yes, thank you, I got a lot to do on this. Then a very soft spoken almost sad goodbye from her.

I certainly did not expect that. I had plans of going all day without any contact, emails, or conversations.

[Gnosis]

Another part of her testing will be to try get you to change your mind... right now you're getting the sweet part... be prepared for the sour part of her lashing out at you.

Keep your resolve... show her you mean business. Here's one thing you can be prepared for... if you stick to your guns (or give the impression that you are) about proceeding for D. She will lay the bait out, "I'm not sure I want to D... or I don't want a D... I need time to think about it..."

Your response, "Thank you for sharing, however, I think I DO want a D right now. I've decided that I deserve a strong woman who knows what she wants. I've had it with wishy-washy women and I deserve to be happy."

Note: Nowhere in the above response have you told her you do not want her...

Good luck and strength.

EDIT: Oh, and be prepared for bucket loads of more tears (aka crocodile tears) to break your resolve. Don't fall for them. This was her choice. Let her wear her Big Girl Panties and deal with it. Her choices have consequences. DO NOT save her from the consequences. You do and you're sunk.

[gutwrenching]

Not a whole lot to report. Right now, I am getting a double barrell treatment of nice/friendly/unusual doing things for me...all most likely out of guilt. To be honest, it kind of pisses me off, though I am not letting that show. She has gone out of her way in the last 24 hours to be nice, friendly, do nice things for me, etc. More effort in last 24 hours than I'd seen in the previous 2 to 3 weeks combined. Thought she had nothing left, no energy to try.

I am learning to try to find new ways to show pulling away. We had to ride into work together, at first was disappointed, then realized perfect, I start zero conversations. Due to sharing one car, we went to gym together at lunch. W comes up with valid reason why we should run together, tight timelines...so instead of the ususal, I take off fast get way ahead of her, essentially run on my own not with her like normal.

[gutwrenching]

How quickly things change...
After 2 days of pulling away/distant...I got a pursued big time. She kisses me, more than a peck and a lot more than that.

W tells me she needs to try to work on M before quitting and going thru with D. Last night she told me that thinking about Mothers Day she realized she was a bad mother and didn't deserve anything. That has motivated her to really try. Also, she tells me that since she told me she had made up her mind and I told her I was letting go, that I was very "acquaintance" like in all dealings with her and she guesses that's how it would have to be...

So a little guilt and dropping the rope...and 48 hours later she is trying like never before.

I have let her know that I was quickly going down the road towards D and getting very comfortable. She said "I know, I'm sorry and we can still go that way if you want." I replied lets just take is slow, lets see where this goes, and lets continue to talk about things.

Yesterday was amazing. more love, affection, touching, relaxed in in probably a couple of years to be completely honest.

Based on some good advice on the alt, I gave her nothing for Mothers Day. That was my plan, her changing her ways one day prior isn't enough yet. I told her that I had nothing but a few kisses for her for Mothers Day. She finished my sentence for me...she said you were already going down the road of not doing anything for Mothers Day weren't you...I said yes I was. She said I understand.

Lastly, she brought up MC. She said we should try MC also. We have talked about that 2 nights in a row. We agree that we should do MC. I am debating bringing up Retrouville as either an alternative or in addition to MC.

Keep your fingers crossed. Thanks for the support and great advice along the way and especially recently. Its early, but wow...what a turn of events.

Coach your post on changing your thinking/feelings was also timely. Helped a lot. We had a big function that night and I detached for me like never before. Had a blast and W was there doing her own things, but she noticed big time and I didn't care. Didn't care what she did, why

I cant help but think that might have been a factor also. I was on, had a blast with the 800 other people there and as one person commented: I've never seen you so animated, it was good to see. I was completely out of the funk of the D talk

[Lotus]

She is bouncing from one side to the other. She doesn't know what she wants yet. This is good for now, but one bad day and she could bounce the other way. MC is a good idea. Retrouvaille would be a big step, because it would give her the whole weekend to think about what she wants and then make a decision, and the reinforcement to help her stick with it. Check out those MCs first and make sure they are not of the "happiness is the most important thing" kind.

[gutwrenching]

Lotus - so are you recommending Retrouvaille or not yet? It would probably be a bit a before we could go and might be months to be honest.

MC - looking for advice on how to find a good one. MC scares me a little right now cause things are still very fragile. Had a short but good talk about things last night.

In her words, W is really trying...I asked her what that meant to her...she said emotionally opening up to me, letting me in, the physical aspects of things. I asked if still open to MC together and she said yes. Said there were no promises this was going to work. This all came out after I went distant again...I sensed a pullback. W assured me that although a little overwhelmed with things right now, she was still trying. She again talked about the "tons" of guilt of what she was about to do to the kids and how she "really really didn't like" being treated like an "acquaintance" of mine.