First thing after separation, I sought professional C on my own. I asked my W if she was interested in MC. She waffled, then said no. I went ahead and sought C on my own.
My W also wanted to do some of that legal/financial stuff. At the advice of my C, I cooperated. My C recommended this because she was at the height of her emotion (anger) during this time. My C equated it to "dropping the rope" in a game of tug of war. And you are right, the tax/loan stuff is really NOT a big deal at this time.
Seriously, if there's one thing I have learned in my situation, it's that you can't effective work WITH her on the M until she's ready. That's why you work on yourself and yourself only right now. As you have already seen, when SHE is ready to talk, she'll let you know.
When she is ready to talk, the most effective thing I did was to ask questions about how she felt. You will disagree with some of what she says, and you will get mad at some of what she says, but do NOT disagree or get angry during your discussions. Go handle that emotion on your own time. You will get further along if you listen and validate. At least in my case, some of the history that she "rewrote" is starting to calm itself down. It has taken TIME and PATIENCE.
I am at the exact same spot right now. I ask myself the question. If she told me today that she wants to work it out how do I trust her feelings towards me when for recent months I got the ilybnilwy? How do you look past this ? I think we all want our W to give as much as we give them. They want to leave, as it seems they all do. We can hold them against their wishes. As Robx, Steve, gucci and others have said you must follow reality if you are going to have a chance. As I have been told many times and now starting to believe. If it's meant to be it will be. If she is meant to be with you it will happen. Nothing you do right now will change thier mind. They need to follow the path in which they want.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
In regard to feelings, I pay attention to "trends". For instance, I noticed after several weeks that my W was less angry toward me. That "trend" continues, so I can begin to trust that.
We may all want our W to give us as much as we give them, but please consider this. One of the MAIN feelings of the WAW is that they give, and give, and give in the relationship and FEEL like they have no more left to give. Their giving tank is on E. This is a very very common thing with WAW. You can help yourself by understanding how your W in particular got that way. In my case, I know EXACTLY what my W is referring to when she says that, and I am intent on correcting that.
Also, I never heard the ILYBNILWY from my W. From what I've read on this board, that can be an indication of OM. Perhaps not PA, but potentially EA to begin with.
Thanks guys, it's really helpful to hear other people and the situations they are in. I don't know what I would have done without this board.
W is still very upset about how the last few years have been (rightly so) and I honestly don't know how she will react as the weeks go on. As I mentioned earlier, she said she finally has the strength to leave and doesn't want to be weak again. How do I tell her that I don't want her to be weak, I want the strong her. I think we were both really relying on each other to validate ourselves. If we both grow seperately, we could be soo much better together. Our expectations of each other would be lower and realistic.
Do I just wait for another conversation and try to work it in?
Don't tell her you don't want her to be weak. Do things that show strength and leadership on YOUR part, and you will be suprised what she might follow after a few weeks.
I use C as my example. My W basically said no to C. I sought it on my own and didn't tell her at first. I don't remember how it came up, but she asked me how many times I had gone. I told her how many, and about two weeks later she said she was going to see a C.
Her C ended up recommending to her that we start MC.
From my experience, agreeing with my W's feelings was very productive. At first, I would think "but if I agree with her feelings, my butt is headed straight to divorce court". Wasn't necessarily true.
This is correct advice. Learn to agree with their feelings. Agree, be sincere, then shut up.
"You are right, we should divorce." "You are right, it probably won't work" "You are right, I did do those things and I was wrong and I don't blame you for wanting out."
I understood my W's feelings and affirmed them. In other words, I agreed with HOW she felt. Then I shut up.
I did NOT tell her she was RIGHT, and I did NOT recommend any ACTION.
So the sample quotes you used above, I did NOT use.
My quotes were more like this.
"W, with what you are saying, I understand why you are upset"
I did NOT recommend actions like divorce, even though I understand the object of this is pure psychology. My W would see right through that and it's not the TRUTH.
What would make me follow your advice is if an A was involved. If an A is involved, I agree with telling them you won't share them and forcing them to end it completely or move out. "I won't share you with OM" I also realize it seems like most on this message board have an A involved.
There's a good chance she won't go if you just make up your mind that you will have a good life with or without her.
Problems in my M probably started out like yours, but my W had a lot lower threshold for being taken for granted, and she had way more non-reality based magical thinking and codependency issues, so we got into problems sooner, and she had an (imaginary to everyone but her) EA that has really, really complicated the whole mess, and she keeps saying she is going to leave, and I am ok with that if it happens, but she keeps not going.
When I tried to reason with her, asked her to stay, and so on, she went further into fantasy land of a life that is going to be so much more wonderful without me in it, and her resolve hardened.
Now that I know that my life is going to be good no matter what happens, she is not so sure about things and keeps opting to stay (not saying that's neccessarily the best thing in my case, but I am still trying to figure out--after all of this--if she is cut out for the hard work it takes to get a M back on track).
I don't think our situations are similiar, but I do think that when you regain your confidence, stop resisting her, start improving yourself, and then start trying to figure out what you want instead of making it all about her, the situation is going to be very different. Not that everything will be fixed then, but maybe that's when it's a good time to consider MC?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
W is out of town for work for a day, won't see her until tomorrow late. Had a better night last night. We talked about work and books she was reading, she asked for help with some work things and we even went to bed at the same time and watched tv together. I helped her get ready for her trip this morning. Nothing monumental but we have talked more in the lat few days than the last few weeks.
Going to a birthday party for a friend tonight. I rarely go anywhere without her so this will be a change for me.
My W will be home late tonight after a marathon few days of work. I know she will be exhausted.
Is it too much to have dinner ready and maybe a bath drawn when she gets in? I don't want to force anything or seem like I'm persuing but this is an instance where I really could "show up" like I haven't before. I don't want to pressure her or seem like I'm acting as if there is nothing wrong, I just figure, "you gotta eat and you gotta bathe", doesn't mean it can be a nice gesture.
I'm sorry if my questions seem petty, I'm just second guessing everything right now. "am I doing this for me or her?", "does this seem too desperate?".
I could you your advice. Anyone have ideas on how much is too much right now?
