Does she even know that she's doing it? If you are getting crumbs today and its subcounscious on her behalf it indicates that her priority of you is lower. If your priority level is lower and she has not cheated yet, she probably eventually will.
8, This is why you shouldn't have sent her flowers OR a card on her BD.
Let me explain.. Now she feels uncomfortable. (I would even say is feeling STALKED to a degree)
Her email was her way of being "nice" and yet HOPING that you get the "message".. Which is LEAVE ME ALONE.
I told you that you weren't listening. You aren't. Women very seldom will directly come out and tell a man that they want him to leave her alone. They give "hints" and hope you catch the hint. They don't want to hurt your feelings. This is what your WAW was trying to convey to you.
She is basically telling you to stop it. Stop the pursuit.
Which is what I have been trying to tell you. Now you are back at square one. The week of NC means nothing.
If you would have sent her NOTHING on her BD. No card, no flowers, you would have GAINED a week in the process of HER starting to wonder why you haven't contacted her. She can finally get a breather to think the things you want her to think. "He hasn't called, hhhmmm. oh well, he will call, he is obsessed with me. He is just playing a game. He will call. It does surprise me though that he didn't send me a card or anything on my birthday.. Hhhhmmmm."....
NOW, you have to gain back a week NC PLUS a few more weeks because of your pursuit. (can you NOW see why that little flower and card issue IS BIG?) It is COSTING you valuable time when you don't leave her alone. IT is working AGAINST you.
I also think you need to start being honest with US on this site. You lied and misled the very people that are trying to help you. Some of us veterans do know guys like you in panic try to slant the things you tell us to fit what YOU want. However, there are new people on here that are trying to give advice to you and don't even know how to handle their own relationships that DON'T take into consideration thay people asking for advice DO not always tell the truth on what is actually going on. They don't understand that you are so desperate that any hope you hear makes you feel better fot the moment. Even if you haven't told them the whole truth.
Until you face reality and start telling YOURSELF the truth, you are destined to fail. Makes no difference to me if you mislead others, but it is not the way to get her back. Time to start listening to the ones that KNOW how to handle these things instead of those stumbling through it as you are.
You are in the "hope trap". Picking and choosing what you tell us so that someone will tell you that you have "hope"
Gucci, I agree with you on everything you said except that I lied and misled anyone here. I will emphatically let you know that I have been nothing but completely honest here. What reason would I have to lie to the people here who are trying to help me? Gucci, you're wrong on this one, I need to let you know that. I have a lot of respect for you but you're painting me to be someone I'm not and that is a liar or manipulator. I take acception to being accused of this.
When have I lied ot misled? Just because today I said that I sent my W three sets of flowers? If I remember correctly I said that I sent her flowers, I never said if it was one set, three sets or fifty sets of flowers. What difference would that have made anyway? The bottom line was that it was pursuit no matter how many flowers I sent her. If I wanted to lie about it I certainly wouldn't have shared today that I sent three sets of flowers. I feel like I've been an open book. I've always been an open book with people and maybe that hasn't always been a good thing. It's just how I am. I never pick and choose what information I share. I'm about as honest of a person as they come. Look at the majority of my posts. I write short books sometimes because I want to share all of the information. I'd like to move past this issue because I agree with everything else you said to me and I'm on board with your advice and NC. Just wanted to clear that up.
Gucci, getting back to my sitch, you're right. I see how the flowers erased any potential progress and put me back at square one. Yes, no doubt, I have some ground to make-up and a lot more work to do. I'm not giving up on my W and my M.
Yes, I can now see how all of those flowers made her feel uncomfortable and in a way, "stalking". Obviously that was not my intent. Your logic makes perfect sense that by not sending her anything she might have wondered why. Yes, I blew a good opportunity to show her a different side of me. Trust me, I've beaten myself up about it for the past several days.
As I said, I'm on board now. Yep, it took me long enough to get here but the point is I'm here now. I read back over the last couple of weeks of my posts. One word...pathetic. Very weak, needy and not very attractive. Made my stomach churn to read it. Who in the hell was that guy, I wondered. That's not the guy I remembered. That guy was unattractive to me. I can see how that guy would be very unattractive to my W.
Stick with me Gucci.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
The point is, you cannot over persue YOUR WIFE. You can overpersue a WAYWARD or a woman who is not acting as your wife.
Big difference. A woman fully committed to you will take as much attention as she can get from you, as long as its not interfering too hard in her life.
We are dealing with waywards on this website, and obviously we have to look at it as someone who is not currently in our wife role.
He can if it gets to the point of "smothering" the woman. A lot of women feel that they have to be able to breathe. Over persuing is not attractive to many women, and they are not WAW's, they are normal women. However, I think I understand the message you are trying to say here.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Most of us wouldn't or couldn't smother her if she was being our wife. A WAW is an entirely different createure. Imagine it if you will as someone elses woman who is not really fealing you, or as a "normal woman" who is not "yours" and you don't necessarily have a good stature with her.
For now its not your wife. Thats the point. The other point is since thats how it really is, that its very hard to get her to see you in a H role.
Sandi, how have you been? I know you weren't feeling well. So good to hear from you!
I'm sure you've probably been folllowing my sitch. I made a mistake and smothered her again. When she left in October one of the things she said was that I smothered her and here I did it again. I was just starting to do a better job of leaving her alone.
After agreeing to sell the house I was starting to see her relax a bit. The flowers were a mistake. I won't make the same mistake again. In a way it might have been good FOR ME. I say this because it's one thing to have people tell you what not to do and how someone might react to what you do. I got to see it first hand that doing what I thought was ok didn't have the result I thought. Maybe I needed this to get it through my thick skull.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I don't believe a woman has to be a WAW in order to prefer not to be smothered by her H. Many women have a natural desire to have some "alone time" without the H breathing down her neck. If that woman does become a WAW later on in the M, then I think the smothering issue is increased. But my point is that she doesn't "have" to be a WAW in order to prefer her H not smother her.
The right amount of attention from the S is very nice, but when it reaches the point of smothering.....that is not healthy in the man or the woman.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, how have you been? I know you weren't feeling well. So good to hear from you
!
Oh, thank you for your concern. I've been struggling, but still able to push forward. Seems that I can't sit at my computer for very long at a time anymore and that cuts my board activity short. Hopefully, I'll be able to get back on track soon.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
