Thanks for this list Allen....I LOVE lists and I am adding these things to my list for husband as well (they were already there but like the simple form of what you have.
1. Family THerapy 2. No passworded phones 3. FULL TRANSPARENCY 4. Acknowledgement of the infidelity as destructive
Ken, I am just catching up on your stitch so don't have any input right now but will get back at cha. you have two of the best helping you right now so please LISTEN and follow through no matter how hard.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Agree, but it has to be where she WANTS to commit to the marriage. It can't be leveraged upon her, because eventually she will want to break free.
No, it can't, but Ken can position this as "This is what I need. You, Wife, are free to do whatever you want to do -- you are an adult, after all, and I cannot control you. But make no mistake, whatever you decide will affect what I decide, going forward."
There's a difference between laying out ULTIMATUMS (YOU-oriented) and BOUNDARIES OF PERSONAL INTEGRITY (ME-oriented).
Puppy
^^^This too Ken...SOOO IMPORTANT HOW YOU WORD THESE BOUNDARIES TO YOUR WIFE
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
I have an idea and I've learned the hard way that I should run all my brilliant ideas through this board first. I'm thinking about exposing to OM's 17 FB friends.
I would say something like this, "I understand that you know [OM]. I just wanted to inform you that [OM] has been having an affair with my wife since July of last year and he has been relentless in his pursuit. If there is anything you can do to support me and my marriage, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks."
So everyone, what are your thoughts on that?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I like the aggressive stance Ken, but the exposure script needs a bit of tweaking :
I understand that you know [OM]. [OM] is pursuing my wife to have an affair with him since July of last year. My home that was once happy is now wracked with tension, stress, and guilt. My wife and my children are miserable. I ask that you support my wife, my children, and my home and press OM to leave my home and family alone. This is a terrible thing to do to innocent children.
Thank you in advance for your help.
Something like that with a bit more punch.. its still in draft, but I think i have added something you might find useful in there...
I have an idea and I've learned the hard way that I should run all my brilliant ideas through this board first. I'm thinking about exposing to OM's 17 FB friends.
I would say something like this, "I understand that you know [OM]. I just wanted to inform you that [OM] has been having an affair with my wife since July of last year and he has been relentless in his pursuit. If there is anything you can do to support me and my marriage, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks."
So everyone, what are your thoughts on that?
Do you know these people? I'm generally not in favor of exposing to anyone that you're not fairly certain IN ADVANCE is going to be supportive of your marriage.
Allen, I really like the way you have reworded it. Thanks.
I have exposed to the Pastor and his wife, two head elders and their wives, and a couple of my long distance friends. That's it.
The OM is not working, but living off of savings and real estate investments. He went back to school for nursing, but I think he's finished with that now.
Puppy, I know some of them. I know some of the church members that he knows. Thanks for that tip.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I am not completey in agreement with PDT on this one.
I think if you expose to his friends and they don't "say" anything to him... They just keep quiet.. I think that may still embarass OM.. in some cases.
But the OM in your situation doesn't seem to have any concern for his public image... he sounds terribly childish.
I really am shocked at how ignorant these so called christians can be... they seem to have the idea that if they sit back and say nothing to the OM they are "keeping out of it", but the fact is YOUR home is under attack, if they say nothing they are tacitly supporting infidelity
When confronted with infidelity you have two choices...
1. Support the infidelity 2. Publically admonish the behaviour and ostracize those involved until they stop
Choosing to "keep out of it" tacitly supports the destructive behaviuor.. it isnt' "keeping out of it" at all.
I suspect the churchgoers are so damn embarassed they don't WANT to do anything or having anything to do with it, but they are just making things worse...
So many people don't realize the power of organized voice... its a shame...
I am not completey in agreement with PDT on this one.
I think if you expose to his friends and they don't "say" anything to him... They just keep quiet.. I think that may still embarass OM.. in some cases.
Allen, it's not the "keeping quiet" I'd be concerned about. It would be some of them actually agreeing, winking-and-nodding, enabling, etc. You've said it yourself, in today's society, it's sadly a small percentage of people who even stand up against infidelity anymore.
