Can you see the Morning After

[sage]

Pam -- Honestly, hon, I think PIB has a good point...seems like you ARE engaging in black and white thinking...or put another way...you seem to still be REACTING as opposed to ACTING.

IMNSHO, aren't you seeing things as:
we're actively working on our m. TOGETHER (my way, my timeline) OR

we're NOT and I must cut this person out of my life.

I mentioned a middle ground this AM...let me say it again!

There IS a middle ground, Pam, and it's an awfully healthy one AND it's got DB'ing written all over it....

Here it is:
I can only control myself -- my actions, my behaviors. I cannot control D. I will set goals, work on my 180s, etc. with particular goals in mind.

NOW...IF it works towards your goals to cut off ALL communication with David, well, then AOK!

BUT, there's a BIG difference between:
1. I think that ceasing conversation with D. gets me closer to my goals AND

2. I'm not going to talk to him anymore because he gave up on us.

I'll re-state what I said this AM (about something else)...the FIRST one YOU OWN the second one OWNS YOU.

I am saying I have chosen this one as the folks who read his thread as well as mine are all recommending not communicating with him.

really? ok. I know I didn't say that. I definitely said about scaling back your talking and all but there was NO suggestion about not communicating with him.

I'd say: say 50% of what you want to say, scale back the amount of time you initiate and probably a few other things.

And with more thought, what is really different? This doesn't really change anything, my life doesn't change except to give up the hope and pack up the past and move forward.

Can you move forward without giving up the hope, Pam?

I am not going to press for the D, it is his and he filed it, he left, he gave up on us. So it is his responsibility to finish it.

Your h is one of 3 WAS I've ever seen on the bb, Pam.

*******
Can I try something else out? You can tell me to go pound sand afterwards because I'm gonna make ASSumptions ALL OVER the place....

It hurts like hell to be in limbo. It hurts like hell to be separated. It hurts like hell to want your m. (or life) to be different than what it currently is. It hurts like hell to feel as though you want something that your spouse doesn't want. It hurts like hell.

One way to try to mitigate that pain (but it's false, Pam...it's a bandaid) is to move away from it...to control it by saying "I can't tolerate this ambiguity, the limbo. I'm moving away from this pain. I'm controlling it and this is how."

I can't promise you the same "quick" pain relief, Pam, through DB'ing but I think the benefits are more lasting.

What if you said, instead:

I hurt like hell. And I am sad and scared and lonely and a thousand other things. And as scary and crappy as it is, I will sit with that. And I will work on the stuff I can control but not in reactive mode.

I'm gonna be kind of a dick, here, Pam...so bear with me...

You've got more things in your corner than 95% of the people who show up on these boards...you've got an established fan base ( ), you've got a good support system (yah, cyber, but we'll take it), you've got a spouse who actually was WILLING to read DB and actually GETS it.

I don't know if your marriage is going to be saved, Pam. I really don't. But it seems to me that DB'ing could go a long way towards helping you get a happier, less painful life back. With David or without him.

Stick around here, pam.

Sage

[Jamesjohn]

So, my dear, got a title for your new thread yet?!

hint hint

[psluke]

Hi PIB,

I'm sorry I am sucking at being clear this morning.

I didn't mean anyone wanted me to leave the board. I just meant if I am not working on a R should I leave the board?

I know you are trying to help me, everyone is trying to help me. I think Sage hit a part of it. I am tired of the pain and the questioning and the wondering.

I NEED to put as much of it as I can behind me.

I LOVE you guys too. I don't think I want to leave I'm not sure if staying here would make it harder to put the R behind me in the long run.

I think on that I will experiment and monitor!! Because I have some people here I really care an awful lot about.

I am not saying I would push any advances he made away, just that I need to quit holding onto hope on my end. If it works that he decides to step forward that is wonderful. I am trying to shut him out of my life for me, not for him. If he makes an effort to come into it I won't reject that but I can't keep hoping either.

Actually like I said I had two main thoughts colliding this morning. This was the second one not the first one.


Hi Cal,

I will think about your post! Don't have my DR book yet but I did order one yesterday to do the thread Sage started rather than ask for mine back from David.

I know the proper way if I were DBing is to DETACH and do my own thing. I have never got that down to where I could do that.

I think I will work on my homework for me though!


Hi Sage,

I think the middle ground is probably the detaching that I never was able to do. I am not even sure how to go about what I am thinking of trying to do.

I think working through the grieving will be a first step, but at the same time I want to start trying to add some things back into my life. I am not sure I will feel up to that, but I am planning to try to do it.

I am NOT trying to discount what all of you are saying. I know that is a bad habit of mine that I don't let things in real well.

What I am trying to say is as long as I have hope, I hurt. If I give up hope I am hopeful of starting to heal. Am I making any sense at all?

I am sorry on the communication comment. I know you did not say that and I GENERALIZED.

I do agree with you on all the positives I have going for me. Yes, I think David gets a lot of DR, whether he will ever put any of it into effect in his life is possibly another matter. I hope he does. I don't wish him bad luck, sometimes I am still angry, but not enough that I don't wish him well with his life and that he figures himself out.

[psluke]

Rats JJ I'm not even sure I should stay or where to start a new thread if I do!!

[Cupcake]

Pam:

Your emotions sound like mine sometimes - all over the place. Because I don't have IM at work (firewall), I don't have the opportunity to throw something out there in haste without really stepping back and running it thru the "will it bring me closer to my goal" filter.

Ok, how is this for a spin on how I see things...

Are you miserable lately? (I am on occasion). Now you have stated in past posts that not contacting David would make you miserable. OK...since you are miserable anyway, why not do something that may, in fact, help your situation - like detach. Yes, it is miserable. But you are there emotionally anyway - so why not truly sit back and give it a try. My guess is you will like the results. I know I did.

Hugs to ya

[Jamesjohn]

DON'T LEAVE THE BOARD YET, PAM!!!

Still got lots of stuff to do here yet!!!

However, DO keep in mind what we talked about before with maybe doing work with someone outside of the board, to help you with some of the things we can't do here, ok?

It REALLY helps to try to tackle some of these issues from a couple of different directions, especially if we get stuck with what we're doing now.

My C is pretty good, I think. Want me to give her a call and set you up with her? You can stay at our house!!

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

Yes,

Please set up a new thread for us to talk to you with.

It can be the "Care and Feeding of Pam" Thread...we'll figure out what makes you happy! And how to implement these things in your life!

Hugs!

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

You'll be working on your relationship with yourself!!

Hugs!

[psluke]

Well, I'm working on a name.

I considered: Should I stay, Should I go or Should I move?

But it doesn't sound very positive and I LIKE positive thread titles! No sense letting a negative title jump at you every time you go into the thing!

So can I do this with your C in a week? I have 3 vacation days left? Or will I spend all of my time driving to your house to stay and not have any time to see the C?

[calystra]

Hi Cal,

I will think about your post! Don't have my DR book yet but I did order one yesterday to do the thread Sage started rather than ask for mine back from David.

I know the proper way if I were DBing is to DETACH and do my own thing. I have never got that down to where I could do that.

I think I will work on my homework for me though!

Well, detaching isn't easy so it's ok for it to take a long time. I think it takes everyone a long time. The myth associated with detaching is that once you detach, you're done. Unfortunately you have to keep detaching and consciously think about it - it's not magic.

That's why having some actions and plans about how you're going to go about detaching - (the same thing you'll answer when you figure out how to stop some of the black&white thinking) - is the best way to go about it - you'll have to keep using those methods.

You've already done a great deal of detaching already - you're living on your own and keeping the house in great shape! You've managed to feed yourself, take care of the dogs, continue going to work, take care of normal life - all of those little things we overlook!

These are all great steps but it's time to do something for Pam - for the future of Pam... not just fulfilling basic needs or keeping your sanity. What if this sitch never happened? What would you want to be doing today?

For me, one art class was enough - it was just once a week! One little 3 hour evening out of an entire week of my sitch... definitely not a huge time commitment but it was the first step for me to start thinking about what I really wanted to do with MY life. Not what I wanted to do with the R, not what I wanted to do with Ceb's and my life... what I wanted to do for ME.

This is 100% independent of anything else going on in your life.... (unless the one thing you want to do is join the Peace Corps and fly over to Africa... that may affect things! ) ... so pick something and just go with it. If you don't like it, pick something else - do something for you!