WAW still around, DBing starting to work

[rockedworld]

Thanks for popping by my thread GW and for the encouragement!

My life is sooooo busy right now with spring sports schedules in full swing with kids.

But... I just wanted to say I love Coach's advice to you. Definitely take that on as a motto! You are doing great, my friend.

[gutwrenching]

Update:
Have experienced a pretty significant pullback. As I got decisive and fearless, in return I got a pullback and uncertainty and fighting/arguments...much more than normal

We are still leaving on Friday to look for house to live in, in theory together, at least initially.

Going back to detaching, giving space, trying to act as if

[sandi2]

As I got decisive and fearless, in return I got a pullback and uncertainty and fighting/arguments.

It may be that she feels uncertain with all the changes. Some of those changes being "you". Doesn't mean it's bad but she isn't use to it. Also I think she will test your decisivenss & fearlessness.

Laying arguments aside, have you felt good about yourself?

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - I had to get over the shock/disappointment of things going so well and then the sudden pullback. Felt rejected at first to be honest. Have gotten past that now with some help with a few great DB friends on the alt. So getting back to feeling good. I was being decisive, fearless, taking risks and I should feel good about that.

R with the kids continues to grow stronger, and W as even mentioned it a few times lately, which is good not that she notices but an outside validation of how close we have become through this ordeal. The first arguments in long time provided me opportunity to call her out on pissy behavior towards me...hadn't had to do that in long time

Tonight we have discussed houses to look at on upcoming trip...been all over the map...as she has mentioned 1 bedroom apartments, 4000 sq ft houses and everything in-between.

[sandi2]

The first arguments in long time provided me opportunity to call her out on pissy behavior towards me...hadn't had to do that in long time

You did great! I know you do not enjoy having to do that, but it is par the course. I still believe that she will begin to see the improved man that she has and will be smart enough to stick with him.

[sandi2]

Sure would like to hear an update, GW.

[gutwrenching]

I need to post an update, will try today or tomorrow. Will be long, will not be good news. Things tracking backwards again. Short version is she tried for about a week, then stopped, and then hit crisis of reality of move and seems to be running away again.
Details when I can get some time. I could probably use some feedback/advice.

[MrBond]

Detach now.

She showed you positives, you overreacted to them and scared her away. You need to stay cautious of her actions. If they are positive, great, if not, then that's fine too.

[gutwrenching]

FULL UPDATE:
We headed into house hunting trip for move this summer with pullback going on and uncertainty on how much we want to spend (in other words, use one or two incomes). Her words were move together for the kids, get settled, but if things don’t change, then S/D. She told me that the kids and the security I provide and the lifestyle we have attained are what are holding her for now…but those were too superficial to keep her forever.

House hunting trip turned into disaster. As W desire was one income place for easy escape route in future and tastes were for two-income houses and I was maintaining my uncertainty on the matter as to not seem too pursuing and let her know I was not just there to make things easy for her.

We found a 2-income place we loved, and shared a nice embrace/hug at the thought of our future residence, but that faded by the next day as she told me it was just too easy to slip back into old patterns but that she wasn’t going to just slip back.

We did not find a place and remain in limbo land. W remains in a fantasy land. Reality would hit her during the trip but not last long and she would retreat in fantasy land again...that was obvious. On the last night there, I finally told her enough is enough. This limbo isn’t going to work. She needed to decide if she was going to work on the M or work on going separate ways, I was ready to let her go.

During this conversation, it came out that on her last trip alone, she had decided to work on M and try. As I told her, that lasted a whole week…you can’t fix a M in a week. Rest of the conversations were typical WAW responses that I have heard over and over…they don’t even faze me any longer: no feelings, I don’t know how to get it back, I don’t think you can even love me the way I need to be loved, empty for too long, I tried for so many years, etc. The only new things that cropped up were her telling me that I shouldn’t forgive her for what she did with EA…that was probably the first time I’ve heard her admit she did anything wrong (the next day she was back to “it was only 2.5 weeks” it wasn’t a big deal). The last few nights of the trip, she even slept in the other bed in the hotel. When we returned home, she slept in the guest bedroom the first night, but never again since (she said it was too cold in the basement).

Back home now, we’ve taken steps backwards. Prior to this trip, we had really progressed firmly into strong friendship stage and maybe a little further. Not so much now. I am trying hard now to be distant, detach and make her pursue again. I’m not sure what else to do at this point. That certainly isn’t easy and isn’t my strong suit, but I am working on it. She has also become more distant.

Other things of interest. I learn that she has told three friends about our “issues” and all three have told her to fight for the M not to walk away, but she doesn’t seem to be listening. She told me about two other times between 1996 and 1999 when she got too close to OMs and they might have even been EAs…those were really rocky times in our M. She agreed with me that our M isn’t all bad – we have a great friendship (what we both said we would miss the most if D), shared family values, great kids, strong companionship…but then I get the “no spark/no feelings” lines. She is reading 5LL book because one of her friends she confided in told her two months ago and she refused. I told her it was a great book and she should read it for herself if nothing else.

The roller coaster continues. Last night she showed me pics of a place to buy that would certainly take 2 incomes…her mind is all over the map on where to live…but when push comes to shove, I suspect she is afraid of being trapped into a place that she could not afford on her own. She does know I will fight for custody of kids if it comes too it…but she also knows this is the US and she is the mother, odds are in her favor.

Open to ideas/advice. Initially my goal has been to move together so that I can continue to DB. It has only been 4.5 months since I exposed the EA and 6 months since the bomb was dropped…not long compared to many other people’s sitch’s.

[gutwrenching]

Last night, I got the "I want a D", I've made my decision. This was after W initiated a talk, said we had to talk because we aren't finding a place to live because we don't know what we are doing. I stayed calm, told her I was still fighting for M, but enough was enough, if she was going to quit, I was going to let her go and move on with my life.

At the end, I said so have you made your decision. She said yes, I want the D. I said ok, I'll start splitting accounts, liquidating assets, and a few other things. She immediately starts crying says stop, please don't, let this sink in for a couple of days to make sure this is what I want.

Lots of crying from her last night. I stayed strong, showed almost no emotions. Handled it better than I thought I ever would, until...until in bed a little later. She asked me if she should sleep in guest room. I said I'm not kicking you out of the bed, but I don't care where you sleep. Little bit later, lots of crying and I let myself give in and held her and we ended up falling asleep with me holding her and her laying on me. And at one point, she had a chance to break free and did not, continued to lay her head on me.

This morning was cordial getting ready for work. Since then, have had no contact. Don't know what tonight will bring.

This sucks.