Can you see the Morning After

[sage]

Pam -- Honestly, hon, I think PIB has a good point...seems like you ARE engaging in black and white thinking...or put another way...you seem to still be REACTING as opposed to ACTING.

IMNSHO, aren't you seeing things as:
we're actively working on our m. TOGETHER (my way, my timeline) OR

we're NOT and I must cut this person out of my life.

I mentioned a middle ground this AM...let me say it again!

There IS a middle ground, Pam, and it's an awfully healthy one AND it's got DB'ing written all over it....

Here it is:
I can only control myself -- my actions, my behaviors. I cannot control D. I will set goals, work on my 180s, etc. with particular goals in mind.

NOW...IF it works towards your goals to cut off ALL communication with David, well, then AOK!

BUT, there's a BIG difference between:
1. I think that ceasing conversation with D. gets me closer to my goals AND

2. I'm not going to talk to him anymore because he gave up on us.

I'll re-state what I said this AM (about something else)...the FIRST one YOU OWN the second one OWNS YOU.

I am saying I have chosen this one as the folks who read his thread as well as mine are all recommending not communicating with him.

really? ok. I know I didn't say that. I definitely said about scaling back your talking and all but there was NO suggestion about not communicating with him.

I'd say: say 50% of what you want to say, scale back the amount of time you initiate and probably a few other things.

And with more thought, what is really different? This doesn't really change anything, my life doesn't change except to give up the hope and pack up the past and move forward.

Can you move forward without giving up the hope, Pam?

I am not going to press for the D, it is his and he filed it, he left, he gave up on us. So it is his responsibility to finish it.

Your h is one of 3 WAS I've ever seen on the bb, Pam.

*******
Can I try something else out? You can tell me to go pound sand afterwards because I'm gonna make ASSumptions ALL OVER the place....

It hurts like hell to be in limbo. It hurts like hell to be separated. It hurts like hell to want your m. (or life) to be different than what it currently is. It hurts like hell to feel as though you want something that your spouse doesn't want. It hurts like hell.

One way to try to mitigate that pain (but it's false, Pam...it's a bandaid) is to move away from it...to control it by saying "I can't tolerate this ambiguity, the limbo. I'm moving away from this pain. I'm controlling it and this is how."

I can't promise you the same "quick" pain relief, Pam, through DB'ing but I think the benefits are more lasting.

What if you said, instead:

I hurt like hell. And I am sad and scared and lonely and a thousand other things. And as scary and crappy as it is, I will sit with that. And I will work on the stuff I can control but not in reactive mode.

I'm gonna be kind of a dick, here, Pam...so bear with me...

You've got more things in your corner than 95% of the people who show up on these boards...you've got an established fan base ( ), you've got a good support system (yah, cyber, but we'll take it), you've got a spouse who actually was WILLING to read DB and actually GETS it.

I don't know if your marriage is going to be saved, Pam. I really don't. But it seems to me that DB'ing could go a long way towards helping you get a happier, less painful life back. With David or without him.

Stick around here, pam.

Sage