Husband being hateful and cruel. Is this a stage?

[AJM]

I am terrified that if he does not come to grips with what actually did happen in his horrible childhood before our divorce is final, it will devastate him when he realizes what damage he's done. But, again there is nothing I can do to stop that from happening. Yes, I pray constantly for him!

As JTB mentioned, there is no guarantee he will ever tell himself the truth. To be honest, and I know you may not want to hear it, he may never admit it to himself. He may blame you forever. More likely he will tell you he blames you for a very long time, but the risk exists with no mitigation.

I almost think it's easier for him to not face reality because he has moved away, doesn't see any family, doesn't go to our church anymore; basically doesn't have anyone around him that would challenge him or demand accountability. And, of course I realize that's what they do! They have to feel better about themselves, so they surround themselves with people who are worse off than they are. And those people certainly aren't going to criticize him since compared to them he's got it all together!

Yep. Exactly. The friends they keep! Sheesh. Night and day. And yet, I find that in my case, she also seeks out male friends with similar personality traits to mine. I find that amusing at this stage. I'll explain more of that later...

This afternoon I went to the doctor because my allergies are trying to kill me. sick I mentioned my husband's latest accusations towards me and the doc just brushed it off. He said "well, that's what happens in marriages. You've been married a long time and it takes 2 people to work on it. We may never find out what is really going on with him." At first I felt like him and h were ganging up on me. Then I realized I was the one acting paranoid and our doctor just can't be a go between for us. However, last November when this all started the doc let me know that my h had been talking to him for over a year about our marriage and how he had no feelings for me. Why the doc did not realize what was happening is beyond me! The medical assistant suggested that I change who is allowed to pick up scripts for me and can get medical info. about me. Right now it's still my h and my daughter. I haven't changed it yet. I asked her why she suggested this and if she could tell me if h changed his. She looked and sure enough, his says no one but himself can get any info. about him! Amazing. That makes me wonder if anything happened to him if I would be allowed to make emergency decisions for him and would be told anything about him. The medical assistant also told me my h is a completely different person than who she knew. She said she does not like this new guy. I am comforted just knowing someone else sees what I see.

Yeah, that is odd right? Except it fits. Mine has done similar. Still is especially when I pay attention. Go figure but it's part of it. It's as if the world is a stage....

At this point I pretty much find it amusing to see some of the things she does. Why? Because it would be like watching a teenager and their shenanigans. It is laughable to some degree. I also find it heartbreaking and disappointing. In the end of it all, the MLC'r has made their own decisions. Those decisions led to what they are doing now.
Will they ever "wake up" and figure out what they lost? Nobody knows. Your doctor told you that as well. I have to admit, I read your post describing things and you know what? I, like many others on this board, could have written it for you and just left <insert name> here.
But you have to realize he made his choices. He is living with them. You do already realize you cannot help him. You should also realize by now that it is NOT you. And therefore you cannot help him. Seems repetitive, but it's important to do that. You should also realize the immense pressure he is actually feeling even if just expressing it as anger towards you. Don't let him. He needs to have a reason to express his anger where it belongs and not at you. Not only would it tire you out even more, but it doesn't help anyone.
There will be more insane things and I think it's good that you questioned was it something else. Now put that to rest. It is like insanity. It is avoidance. It is not something you can do anything about.
I know that last part took me a long time to come to terms with and to internalize. The abuse I took helped drive that home.
I have no regrets for the things I've done. I'm just done and moving on. I don't think she ever will come back. At this point, even if she does, I'm not going to be there. I believe it will not only be that long, but she made the choices already. She could have chosen differently and that's a simple fact. She asked for the divorce and I've agreed to no longer fight her on it. I don't hate her though. For many of the same reasons you don't hate your husband.
It does have a long lead time - the year you spoke of? Mine did similar. The friends that don't like them anymore? Yep. The family they avoid? Yep. The idea that everyone else is wrong and they are right? Yep. The idea that if they saw somebody else doing what they are doing they would tell them to get a counselor. Yep, yep, and yep.

It's sad. But no need to be angry. No need to hate. It is. And that's about it.

AJ