Ah... But since we can't see into the future there was no way to know your h would move back home!
Yes, I think the posts I have read here this morning have helped with my thinking. I was kicking around two totally different ideas and since the folks posting to me to stop contacting David are reading his thread I believe that is the way I am going to go.
So now I need books to read on dealing with grief. I read one once but don't remember the name of it. My pastor loaned it to me when I was trying to deal with my mom shutting me out of all of their lives.
If anyone knows any good ones let me know. I may also poke around on the Surviving the D forum or Amazon and see what is available.
Hurts pretty bad to try to get this through my head. I think I always kept some hope that we would get back together and I think to do this I have to give that up or I will never move forward.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I understand you are hurting. But I'm afraid you are falling into the trap of "Black and White" thinking that I often fall into.
Why do you believe that giving him space to heal will cause harm?
Why do you believe that if you speak his love language that instead of improving things, it'll end up in divorce??
This is not an either/or situation!!
This is an 'experiment and monitor results' opportunity!!
I know you are feeling scared and hurt. Can you make up your mind that you will do everything you can in order to show David that you love him, even to the point of learning to speak his love language?
I know it's hard, emotionally. But can you see that it's just a matter of learning a new skill, training new muscles?
You know I felt so positive this morning. I wonder where it all went.
Now I'm just sitting and crying.
Got to get past that, so do I leave the bb? move to separated or surviving the big D?
Where do I go from here to rebuild my life alone?
I don't know.
Do I ask David how he would prefer any of his stuff boxed or simply do it?
Ask him about having his mailing address changed to his sisters? That way he doesn't need to be late on his bill payements as he doesn't get to the house in time to pick them up and they are generally late anymore.
So many questions now and not real sure how to address them.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I don't know that we will end up divorced. Probably not necessarily until one of us is ready to move into another relationship.
Or maybe David will decide he is ready to just not have any of the responsibilities. But my first H and I didn't divorce for almost a year after I moved out. So I am not saying I expect a D to happen soon.
I am saying for me to heal I have to cut him out of my life as if there was a D.
So I am not looking at is an experiment and monitor, or speaking his love language.
But a step for me to move on with my life.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I ask you to go a single day without initiating contact. Your response is complete doom and gloom.
I ask you to see this as something positive you are doing, a gift to your husband. Telling him that you truly do love him. In a language that he can hear and understand.
Your response seems to be to completely ignore what I said and to talk about the past as if it were the same as now.
I suggest you try one new thing. Your response of 'I'm getting a divorce and should I leave the bb' upsets me.
That honestly isn't my response to your suggestion!!!!
This is one of the two ideas I was kicking around this morning. Remember when I posted I had conflicting ideas. One of them was to just move on without David.
I am saying I have chosen this one as the folks who read his thread as well as mine are all recommending not communicating with him.
I was actually originally going to post my different thoughts, but this one probably makes the most sense.
Please don't think this is in response to your post!
It really was one of my thoughts this morning.
And with more thought, what is really different? This doesn't really change anything, my life doesn't change except to give up the hope and pack up the past and move forward.
I am not going to press for the D, it is his and he filed it, he left, he gave up on us. So it is his responsibility to finish it.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
By giving up hope, from what I've read from your post, you are completely shutting off any steps he may take to you in the future. How is that effective DBing?
It's one thing to back off, give him space to heal, show him that you love him enough to learn to speak his love language.
It's other to completely shut him out of your life so that no hope of reconciliation is possible.
I'm asking you to do the first, but from what I'm reading in your posts, you are planning on doing the second.
Hugs.
Last edited by Phoenix_In_Bloom; 11/12/0303:37 PM.
(3) What does Michele say about black&white thinking? If you don't remember, do some studying in the DR/DB books to answer this.
(4) What can you do to turn this black&white thinking around? (How can you hold onto your hope for the R yet move on with your own life? How can you do your own thing without completely giving up David?)
OK, Enough freaking crying! Long enough for the Pity Party!
Plan:
Tonight sweep and vacuum upstairs
Do load of laundry
Make coffee for in the morning
Be sure to remember to take medication, not sure I remembered it last night.
Maybe sort mail that is on the dinning room table and put on David's desk
Leaving starting to box stuff till I have a few more things cleaned the way I want them. Then will start with his desk I think. It is the biggest reminder that he is no longer there.
Ok, just before I finished this he sent me message he was being good and going to lunch and that he was real sick this morning. I sent short one sentence back. So not counting that as contact as I was simply responding to his message.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
