Only GH can answer that, but my own sense from reading his posts is that his wife's evasiveness (at best) and deceit (at worst) is what is the dealbreaker for him.
It oozes from his posts.
As a reconciled man recovering from prior wife's infidelity myself, I -- like most betrayed spouses -- have an awfully hard time with the "trust" thing. And that's when our wives are TRANSPARENT with us.
I can only imagine how difficult it must be when they stop being so, and openly flaunt their sense of rebellion and entitlement. That sucks.
your wife, having already cheated on you and hurt you deeply once, seems to care NOT ONE WHIT about doing what's necessary to make her husband feel safe again in the marital relationship.
I also feel that this is a terrible sign...
However...this is does not take into account your actions, your failings are you a clingy control freak? Is she rebelling because you went back on your word to not be this person...years ago?
Taken by itself, I totally agree with Puppy.
Taken with your possible bad actions and regression toward a lamer you? I still agree with Puppy...but I can understand why better.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I feel by the time many of us arrive here. (this board) our old R is toast, gone...over It's not working at all for either party. Yet so many of us cling to it out of fear.
I'm not saying end it.... I'm not saying it's over forever. What I am saying is that sometimes things must come to an end in order to be rebuilt and you CANNOT fear that.
THIS is my greatest fear; that so much of what I am told on this board is based on people's jaded opinion and not nearly enough on reinforcing the hopeful messages that CAN be passed on from DB or other sources.
Sorry, I don't feel as though I'm jaded. I think those that really know me would agree. It just really concerns me to see you post something that pretty much says you'll stay married at all costs including yourself.
I do know how difficult this is. I have a son who is three and a daughter who is six. I've struggled with the very same questions that you have. I've made many of the mistakes that you can make before I found this place. I'm sorry if what I said upset you. You were just back and forth on a few things and appeared to me to be struggling.
I guess thats the wonderful thing about advice. You get to pick and choose what you want to listen to heh?
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My marriage is NOT in that place... yet. I suspect people are often overlooking that (not you OT and their advice is just the same blanket advice given to those who, as pointed out, are in radically different sitches than mine.
If you took the time to actually read some of my advice you would clearly see it is not all of the same. Infact it is a bit different here for you because you've been here before.
All I can go by is what you post. I read what you posted about your sitch and how it is affecting you. If you go back and reread it there are a few pretty big contradications. I was just trying to help.
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Oh, and that part about not being afraid to end things... to me that's utter bull-hit. NOBODY can ever not be afraid to end a marriage, especially when there are kids involved. If you can say you are not afraid of that, then you are not human. Sorry.
Fair enough....I should have worded that a litle better. I should have said you must overcome that fear.
It seems as though what I've posted has upset you, if that's the case then I apologize. Jack has good advice so your in good hands.
Again I was trying to offer help, it appeared to me that you were back and forth on a lot of things. Now it seems as though things may not be as bad as they sounded ???
Take care G, I hope everything turns out the way you desire it to.
To all of you; sorry if that quote about being "jaded" offended. Puppy, you're right, I do believe everyone here is being genuine in their advice and that advice is based on their experience. That said, and I may be digging a deeper hole here, I would not want to get all my information and advice about the death penalty from a room full of people who recently had someone close to them murdered. I'm fairly sure they would give a certain kind of advice.
So while I totally respect and appreciate ALL who take the time to post to me, I am just pointing out the obvious fact that at least in this part of the board there are a LOT of people who have gone through a lot of hard stuff and their opinion is colored by that. It's not a bad thing, it just is. Doesn't make those opinions less valid but I do take them with a grain of salt. Hell, I may be there soon myself, who knows.
I have a question to ask before I answer;
Is it "normal" or even acceptable to you, or in marriages you're familiar with to have a friend of the opposite sex who your spouse does not know?
Ok... and I guess I will answer some to...
"Maybe you're not the only one who "learned" from the last time."
Yup. Constantly aware of that possibility.
"do you trust your wife"
I guess not. If I did, it's likely this would not be an issue. Then again, she doesn't do all that much to earn or maintain trust in this sitch. Of course all in the guise of "no matter what I do or say, you act like a jerk"
So, no, I guess I don't trust her but then again, I KNOW I am controlling. Complicated.
"your wife, having already cheated on you and hurt you deeply once, seems to care NOT ONE WHIT about doing what's necessary to make her husband feel safe again in the marital relationship."
Yup. Again, one of the things I think about constantly. I suppose I have to admit that our marriage has been predicated a lot on what I do versus her. I won't say it's one sided at all but I am the communicator. I am the one who seems to go out of my way to be romantic, etc. She does very little of that. So applying that to your comment, and to use a word I used earlier, she is a person who generally feels entitled, especially based on perceived oppression. She feels her parents owe her because of some bad things in their past and feels like she's entitled to act this way because of how controlling I have been.
"It sounds as if you did not forgive her the first time. And the fear of not knowing now , is bringing up past fear and resentment."
I agree. I don't know that I ever did. Problem I guess.
"Are YOU okay if this would end today ?"
No.
"Did you learn from the first go round to be self supportive and not sell yourself out for the sake of the marriage ?"
Yes and no. I DID learn but then forgot again. Relearning is a bitch. There is also a fine line IMHO between selling yourself out and DBing. One often feels, looks and sounds like the other.
Please don't take offense. I do value your advice. I am almost NEVER upset at what I read here. People like OT who have been with me from long ago know that. That said, I will post what I feel even if sometimes that's not really for the best. Don't go away.
As for what you just said, I am back and forth. Part of my problem is self-diagnosis. A lot of you see that and are basically calling me on it. I need that sometimes. That's why I seem back and forth so much. I am often caught playing my own devil's advocate.
Sorry again if I sounded offended or angry. Not the case.
I am often caught playing my own devil's advocate.
Yep. But FWIW, I only see you do that in one direction -- the direction towards NOT having to make the tougher choice. Your writing style is such that you tend to talk yourself into certain positions, by eliminating the most uncomfortable options and thoughts.
To all of you; sorry if that quote about being "jaded" offended. Puppy, you're right, I do believe everyone here is being genuine in their advice and that advice is based on their experience. That said, and I may be digging a deeper hole here, I would not want to get all my information and advice about the death penalty from a room full of people who recently had someone close to them murdered. I'm fairly sure they would give a certain kind of advice.
John ("America's Most Wanted") Walsh tragically lost his own son to kidnapping and murder. That no doubt clouded his judgment, especially early on. He's also, since, studied and been involved in hundreds (thousands?) of other abduction and crime cases. I'd like to think he offers a unique perspective on them, for those who find themselves in those unfortunate circumstances, with fresh "wounds."
Interesting analogy. I wonder if you would want to weigh more heavily the advice of the cops who'd walked that beat hundreds of times before, who were pointing out some of the crap they'd seen, over and over and over and over.
I know we all like to thing we honestly aren't biased by our own sitch, but I really do think I base most of my advice on the books I've read, and on the hundreds of affairs I've studied over the past few years, rather than my own situation.
and their advice is just the same blanket advice given to those who, as pointed out, are in radically different sitches than mine.