MLC - standing by my man

[iluvme55]

In a way I was blessed to not have to go thru this.....mine left 900 miles away to move us eventually, but he and o/w were making plans all along,Jan.08 he had made his decision i was being used to keep his stuff in the garage once he came to get them and there was nothing here for him to take was the end for us...I dont know how I could of handled him moving back in and back out....I think God had it planned this way, because he knew how much I could of handled....I would of taken my life and was planning to back then but God knew this and how much I could of taken as far running into them, or him visiting and then leaving to go to her ....I thank God everyday for his grace and mercy....just hand it over to God, nothing else we can do and it is nice to know that HE really is in control.that relationship will never be blessed by God and it will one day self destruct their relationship was based on nothing but lies, let go and let God just know there is power in prayer and you are on my prayer list as I am sure all those in here as well..... adios

[Mila]

Thank you HB, there are few comments that strike true in my sitch

There wasn't enough TIME for him to break the addiction..this was what OW Withdrawal was all about, time for him to get her out of his head/heart, to break his ADDICTION to her.

I believe that this last time he wanted to R he was actually serious when he said that he wants to get her out of his head and move on with his life...and the first week I did see the most progress in that direction....and then she recontacted him.

This can even be applied to the idiot MLC'ers who decide to keep OW/OM, quickly divorce the LBS and marry their affair

WH decided to continue with OW but at least he doesn't seem in the rush to D. He never brought it up and he was hesitant when I last asked...he said "I guess eventually".

The feelings in an affair themselves can be addictive..but that high does NOT last long at all, and will fade into embers. I remember reading somewhere that this comes within two years from the start of the affair.

It's been a year...could I take another year of his flip flops?

The LBS is viewed at the staunchion(pillar of strength or even a lighthouse in the fog), the person who bears responsibility, it can go as far as them being viewed as an authority figure; the one that's large and in charge. They represent something the MLC'er wants NO part of while he/she is in this altered state....RESPONSIBILITY.

Rigs true in my sitch, yet he keeps coming back every time he is trouble with OW.

HB you can "highjack" my tread anytime you want to

Thanks for caring (((hugs)))

[HeartsBlessing]

Absolutely. Both the MLCer and LBS need to be ready. I was wondering if your question had an intentional implication that if it is the LBS who is not ready, she should let the MLCer return anyway.

I didn't mean it that way at all. I'd thought it might be taken that way, but wasn't sure. I would be the LAST one to suggest taking the MLC'er back if the LBS is not ready or cannot handle him/her.
I was asking some curious questions in order to understand this part of the process a little more. I'd always known that the process to go though the MLC was never the same for all.

I was just wondering about a few things, I'd read some things in the past and present I'd never faced/considered during his MLC. One of those issues was leaving and coming back. I remember the leaving being done in a emotional way during his MLC, and later during mine..but the physical leaving was never done with either one of us.

We each just waited on the other...in this day and time, both our memories have faded. Out of curiosity I asked my husband if he'd had any idea of what I was facing while going through the change, and he said "none". When HE had gone through, he'd denied the changes taking place within him, and absolutely refused the idea that he was going through The Change of life.
Now, he remembers NONE of his, and very little of mine.
He has "rewritten" his, somehow, although I cannot say how he could have done that, but the human mind can be a very strange thing.

They say when you don't know something, ask, but I never wish to offend or hurt people either, making them think that I think they're doing something wrong...people have asked ME all kinds of questions, LOL, and I figured it was time to ask some of my own.

I'm a reasonably knowledgeable person, well read in differing areas of life, have experienced a great many things I could have lived without, but had to go through anyway; learned a great deal about these things so I could help others.

I had hesitated to ask these things because I was afraid I'd hurt someone's feelings...and I don't really wish to step on people; I remember when I was hurting so much myself, and thinking questions were being thrown at me...and they hurt me, yet, I found the strength to answer.

The more I had read, these questions kept coming up, and so, I took the plunge to ask so I could gain more understanding of the various possibilities of this.


I have honestly felt at times that I was too far down the road to be of ANY help; but the answers continue to come for a well deep within me, and so, I continue to answer what I can when I can.

I guess it is a good thing when the "teacher"(and I never really considered myself one) can ask a question of the "students".

My thanks to all so far for keeping an open mind, I really do NOT have a clue in many areas, unless it really jumps out at me that detachment needs to be increased or I've seen something the person within the situation has missed.

I have always been grateful for the sounding boards I've had over the years..when one is too close to the situation, things can be missed...and I'm no different in this.

[Cadet]

Some questions/comments that I'm wondering about:

I'm speculating here, but would it not be the SAME kind of hurt they experienced as children, depending upon their issues?

Yes I believe you are correct in this.

As a child, he had suffered actual physical and emotional abandonment at the hands of his mother even BEFORE his parents divorced, being raised by his sister, who was 18 years older than he was. He was bounced one way, then another for the majority of his life.

Have you ever asked him about this? or his recovery from this?

He saw that, and remembered how I'd treated him while he was within the tunnel, remembering things I had forgotten...certain things he saw as 'key' things...my attitude change toward him was a major thing, it CHANGED him, when I changed toward him.

I think this is key in standing for you marriage.

[HeartsBlessing]

Have you ever asked him about this? or his recovery from this?

It's been many years since I talked to him about what happened to him in childhood..and I've suspected some other things that were never mentioned, but his actions had told me a great deal...this was what I had learned about him after we married...in my reading/researching, I'd finally found a name for it while he was in his MLC.

The one person who could have helped him, ME, could not help him, OP. He had to figure this out for himself...as you remember, each one of us are responsible for ourselves, and for the figuring out the things within us that needed fixing.

He doesn't understand some things the way I understand them.
In some ways, he's content to let things be, he has no desire to "rock the boat". I'm a different story; while I choose my battles carefully, if I see something "off" I will question it.

I think in some ways, there's STILL an underlying fear in him that I will still walk at some point..maybe that's another component of the abandonment perspective, I'm really not sure.

I see flashes of fear when I tell him I need to speak with him..I see these same flashes of fear when I get upset to the point of tears....I also see these SAME flashes of fear when I get angry.

I do NOT understand these at all; and he's not talking, so there you go.

Maybe I need my head examined, as I'm too close to the situation to see clearly.

I've seen many positive changes in him in the last 8 years, OP..evidence that he's settled most things within himself.

The controlling actions of a person suffering abandonment issues are mostly nonexistent within him, now. Before his MLC it was a different story entirely. Now, whether he has healed completely from those wounds, I cannot even venture to guess about that.
He didn't say ONE word about these wounds while within the tunnel...I do remember that.

All he spoke of that I can remember was having felt that he'd failed in so many ways..but wasn't specific about HOW.
Maybe he settled part of them, but possibly not all of them.

He is still not exactly a completely open person, and I believe I would have to push him to the literal brink of a nervous breakdown to MAYBE get him to talk.
If he chooses not to talk about something, he will stonewall, which is generally a male way of dealing with some things.

Heck, I've even been known to do the same thing if I didn't want to talk about something....and I'm NOT a male. LOL!

I know he thinks MORE deeply than he did before the tunnel..don't know what that would mean,but I haven't questioned it. It seems to take him longer to answer a question now than it did before he went through the tunnel.


It is my understanding that facing things can generally come in pieces for most people, and men are a harder nut to crack than women when it comes to opening up and talking about feelings.

On the other hand, there was a great deal of damage done to my husband in childhood, and to expect him to face ALL things at one time is unrealistic....and I accept that in him.

I have realized over time that I cannot have it all, I can either accept what I get, and accept the man he became and is now post-tunnel, or walk away..but I'm not going to find someone who is all that I would want; that's asking TOO much..and perfection is NOT going to be found within anyone.

I don't feel that I'm cutting myself short in this or "settling for second best"; or even "settling for damaged goods". I realize that we don't get everything we want, I don't expect him to be all I'd like him to be; and I can deal with all of it as I'm NOT perfect, either..I have my own short comings to deal with.

I know I cannot fix it all, had stopped trying when I changed myself.

I do NOT have a clue on HOW to help him open up; he's different than most people I've dealt with...he's my husband; that may be the biggest difference I know of.

[HeartsBlessing]

Have you ever asked him about this? or his recovery from this?

It's been many years since I talked to him about what happened to him in childhood..and I've suspected some other things that were never mentioned, but his actions had told me a great deal...this was what I had learned about him after we married...in my reading/researching, I'd finally found a name for it while he was in his MLC.

The one person who could have helped him, ME, could not help him, OP. He had to figure this out for himself...as you remember, each one of us are responsible for ourselves, and for the figuring out the things within us that needed fixing.

He doesn't understand some things the way I understand them.
In some ways, he's content to let things be, he has no desire to "rock the boat". I'm a different story; while I choose my battles carefully, if I see something "off" I will question it.

I think in some ways, there's STILL an underlying fear in him that I will still walk at some point..maybe that's another component of the abandonment perspective, I'm really not sure.

I see flashes of fear when I tell him I need to speak with him..I see these same flashes of fear when I get upset to the point of tears....I also see these SAME flashes of fear when I get angry.

I do NOT understand these at all; and he's not talking, so there you go.

Maybe I need my head examined, as I'm too close to the situation to see clearly.

I've seen many positive changes in him in the last 8 years, OP..evidence that he's settled most things within himself.

The controlling actions of a person suffering abandonment issues are mostly nonexistent within him, now. Before his MLC it was a different story entirely. Now, whether he has healed completely from those wounds, I cannot even venture to guess about that.
He didn't say ONE word about these wounds while within the tunnel...I do remember that.

All he spoke of that I can remember was having felt that he'd failed in so many ways..but wasn't specific about HOW.
Maybe he settled part of them, but possibly not all of them.

He is still not exactly a completely open person, and I believe I would have to push him to the literal brink of a nervous breakdown to MAYBE get him to talk.
If he chooses not to talk about something, he will stonewall, which is generally a male way of dealing with some things.

Heck, I've even been known to do the same thing if I didn't want to talk about something....and I'm NOT a male. LOL!

I know he thinks MORE deeply than he did before the tunnel..don't know what that would mean,but I haven't questioned it. It seems to take him longer to answer a question now than it did before he went through the tunnel.


It is my understanding that facing things can generally come in pieces for most people, and men are a harder nut to crack than women when it comes to opening up and talking about feelings.

On the other hand, there was a great deal of damage done to my husband in childhood, and to expect him to face ALL things at one time is unrealistic....and I accept that in him.

I have realized over time that I cannot have it all, I can either accept what I get, and accept the man he became and is now post-tunnel, or walk away..but I'm not going to find someone who is all that I would want; that's asking TOO much..and perfection is NOT going to be found within anyone.

I don't feel that I'm cutting myself short in this or "settling for second best"; or even "settling for damaged goods". I realize that we don't get everything we want, I don't expect him to be all I'd like him to be; and I can deal with all of it as I'm NOT perfect, either..I have my own short comings to deal with.

I know I cannot fix it all, had stopped trying when I changed myself.

I do NOT have a clue on HOW to help him open up; he's different than most people I've dealt with...he's my husband; that may be the biggest difference I know of.

[HeartsBlessing]

Well, dang it all!! Do not know how this happened that I got TWO copies of this post, but it did...figures.

Sorry y'all.

[Truegritter]

Really? I thought I was having Deja Vu!

HB I keep hijacking Mila but your posts are so insightful would be interested in your perspective. You said your H suffered childhood (abuse?)abandonement issues.

My W has this as well and it is the unresolved childhood issue in the MLC equation. Interested in how you changed your attitude that made him change? We can talk on my thread though.

Sorry Mila!

[Mila]

HB - They are things that I didn't like about my H, that I wished were different, but I accepted him as he was, not trying to change him...that's part of unconditional love. And of course there were many more things that I loved about him to compensate.

OW's H called again today to tell me that he & OW went to their second counseling session (she told him in the front of the counselor last week that she is leaving him again, he thought that they were going there to work on M). In this second session she again confirmed that she is decided, that she loves him and that he is her best friend but she can't stay with him because she is "in love" with someone else. Apparently she realizes what she is loosing (her kids among other things), but she can't help it. Her main reason she pointed out for not being happy in her marriage is lack of passion. Same thing my H told me. So is it all about sex for them? OW's H said that he is filing for D.

I told him that if he believes that she is in MLC, the he should think about her maybe wanting to come back again (she has been flip flopping all along). He said that he is filing, she has to know that they are consequences, if she wakes up he will cross that bridge when he gets to it.

[Mila]

TG, don't worry about hijacking, I welcome everyone's visits

Anytime

BTW My H suffered similar thing. Dad left when his mom was pregnant with him, his mom blamed his dad all her life, became bitter, depressed and never re-married. H sister 6 years older then him took care of him a lot. I would say he has abandonment issues to deal with as well, lot of the MLC's seem to have something like that in their past.