I have spent A LOT of time convincing myself that the man I've known and loved for 30 year is still in there somewhere---hoping that he would return and we could start over. THIS is not anything HE would have even thought of doing. This is the man I grew up with---someone I thought I knew better than anyone on the planet.

I have been committed to this man, I have been devoted to him and have respected him since I was 14 years old. I don't know that I ever want to believe that he is scum - no matter what he has "done" to me, he is still the father of my children. He is still someone I see and must deal with several times a week. I do get very angry and caught up in the anger when I think of the betrayal - but it doesn't last long. The memories are too strong.

I don't think I can believe that he is scum and honor the memories that I cherish. I also don't think I want get to a point where I don't cherish the memories that I have or get to a point where I believe his revisionist view of our past.

I don't know that I could look at my kids the same way if I believed their father was scum----or believed that HE was even capable of what he has done (sounds screwed, doesn't it?).

I want to be able to move on for me, for my family in a dignified way. I don't want to have to turn my love in to hate in order to move forward. Is this too much to ask?

Me 45
M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08
D 18, D 14, S 12