Have you ever asked him about this? or his recovery from this?
It's been many years since I talked to him about what happened to him in childhood..and I've suspected some other things that were never mentioned, but his actions had told me a great deal...this was what I had learned about him after we married...in my reading/researching, I'd finally found a name for it while he was in his MLC.
The one person who could have helped him, ME, could not help him, OP. He had to figure this out for himself...as you remember, each one of us are responsible for ourselves, and for the figuring out the things within us that needed fixing.
He doesn't understand some things the way I understand them. In some ways, he's content to let things be, he has no desire to "rock the boat". I'm a different story; while I choose my battles carefully, if I see something "off" I will question it.
I think in some ways, there's STILL an underlying fear in him that I will still walk at some point..maybe that's another component of the abandonment perspective, I'm really not sure.
I see flashes of fear when I tell him I need to speak with him..I see these same flashes of fear when I get upset to the point of tears....I also see these SAME flashes of fear when I get angry.
I do NOT understand these at all; and he's not talking, so there you go.
Maybe I need my head examined, as I'm too close to the situation to see clearly.
I've seen many positive changes in him in the last 8 years, OP..evidence that he's settled most things within himself.
The controlling actions of a person suffering abandonment issues are mostly nonexistent within him, now. Before his MLC it was a different story entirely. Now, whether he has healed completely from those wounds, I cannot even venture to guess about that. He didn't say ONE word about these wounds while within the tunnel...I do remember that.
All he spoke of that I can remember was having felt that he'd failed in so many ways..but wasn't specific about HOW. Maybe he settled part of them, but possibly not all of them.
He is still not exactly a completely open person, and I believe I would have to push him to the literal brink of a nervous breakdown to MAYBE get him to talk. If he chooses not to talk about something, he will stonewall, which is generally a male way of dealing with some things.
Heck, I've even been known to do the same thing if I didn't want to talk about something....and I'm NOT a male. LOL!
I know he thinks MORE deeply than he did before the tunnel..don't know what that would mean,but I haven't questioned it. It seems to take him longer to answer a question now than it did before he went through the tunnel.
It is my understanding that facing things can generally come in pieces for most people, and men are a harder nut to crack than women when it comes to opening up and talking about feelings.
On the other hand, there was a great deal of damage done to my husband in childhood, and to expect him to face ALL things at one time is unrealistic....and I accept that in him.
I have realized over time that I cannot have it all, I can either accept what I get, and accept the man he became and is now post-tunnel, or walk away..but I'm not going to find someone who is all that I would want; that's asking TOO much..and perfection is NOT going to be found within anyone.
I don't feel that I'm cutting myself short in this or "settling for second best"; or even "settling for damaged goods". I realize that we don't get everything we want, I don't expect him to be all I'd like him to be; and I can deal with all of it as I'm NOT perfect, either..I have my own short comings to deal with.
I know I cannot fix it all, had stopped trying when I changed myself.
I do NOT have a clue on HOW to help him open up; he's different than most people I've dealt with...he's my husband; that may be the biggest difference I know of.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
