I still plan to see the lawyer today even though that conversation sent everything into a tizzy yesterday. My wife has dropped the lawyer talk on me many times and said she was entitled to half of everything and would get the kids most of the time. Well making comments like that makes me think she's jockying for position, so what other choice did I have other than go to a lawyer as well. She now claims she never went to a lawyer, and it was all just talk. I really hate all this lawyer talk, I wish I never told another soul about my appointment today, that was a big mistake on my part. Maybe my wife needs to know what could happen if she chooses her dillusional path of divorce. I don't care so much about all the material things (although I'm sure I would later in life), but I can't bare to think of not seeing my kids. I love my kids so much, it is my sole purpose in life to keep my family together at this stage. Losing them is equal to me losing my meaning in life.
Using these techniques of challenging my wife or giving her ultimatums only makes her more stubborn it seems and want to leave or get divorced even more. Yesterday she said many times she's had someone in her life control her every move and now I do the same. Her parents really did control a lot of things in her life, but I'm not like that and she is trying to make me out to be someone I'm not so she can justify all this divorce business. I really think my wife needs some counseling, but she would never go. She almost went to a psychologist several months back to talk about her anxiety issues, but then she cancelled the appointment. I wish she would have went because I swear half the time it's her anxiety speaking and not her true self. You know how you say things you don't really mean if youre working on raw emotion (anger, sadness, depression etc...). It's like she feels cornered very quickly and her anxiety sets in, and rational conversation is out the door and then it's she wants a divorce, she never has loved me, I'm a good person, but she doesn't love me anymore...All these catch phrases I've read so much about.
My wife is under the dillusion that divorce would be fine and our kids won't have any issues over it and everything will be the same. She said she will still see them everyday no matter what because she would come to see them all the time when she doesn't have them. I can't agree with that because I know we won't have vacations, camping trips, dinner time, road trips, holidays etc...ever again.
My wife and I were madly in love at one point in time and I know it could be restored if we could just work through this tough time. She is so closed off to me right now, she has convinced herself she doesn't love me and never did. It's very difficult to hear that, but I know this is not the same woman speaking to me that I married.
Dan
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
Using these techniques of challenging my wife or giving her ultimatums only makes her more stubborn it seems and want to leave or get divorced even more. Yesterday she said many times she's had someone in her life control her every move and now I do the same.
Who in the world told you to tell her you were seeing an attorney?
Dan, you need less TALKING and more DOING. This isn't about "showing" something to your wife. Meeting with an attorney is about PROTECTING YOURSELF (and your kids).
Quote:
I can't bare to think of not seeing my kids. I love my kids so much, it is my sole purpose in life to keep my family together at this stage. Losing them is equal to me losing my meaning in life.
Which is exactly why I've been trying to get you to go see an attorney, to better understand your rights, responsibilities and potential vulnerabilities.
When your wife rants at you about these things, just say "I'm really sorry you feel that way." or "Yes, I've heard you."
Let us know what you find out from your atty.
Puppy
P.S. I'd strongly encourage you to seek out Greek, and her husband Coach, on this issue. Taking a strong legal stand -- while still standing strong for your marriage and keeping a soft spot open in your heart for your wife -- is exactly how Coach SUCCESSFULLY DB'd his marriage. There was no infidelity in their sitch, but there are many, many comparable stances you can take.
I've been reading some other posts trying to find similar situations and I have broken several rules laid out by Sandi. I printed out a large list of "don'ts" that I'm going to keep reviewing.
My wife texted me today that she wished yesterday didn't happen. I don't know exactly what she means by that, whether it means she wish it didn't happen because she liked our progress with baby steps....or....she wished it didn't happen because that was the nail in the coffin of our marriage. Either way, I'm not going to pursue too hard. I did text her back and tell her I wish it didn't happen either and liked how things had been going with us lately and I appreciate that she was trying. The text messages really were not as frequent on this prepaid phone...until our blowout yesterday then it was texting galore to OM. I feel like we take 2 steps forward and then 3 steps backwards, and somehow I feel like it's always my fault everything sucks.
I was thinking about going away for the weekend. My parents called the other day and wanted to have a cookout at our house Sunday for Mothers Day. I mentioned the idea (the other day before yesterdays bombshell) about inviting her family and she liked that idea. Ofcourse yesterday, she said she didn't want to be there for any cookout and asked if it was ok to take the kids to her parents (without me ofcourse) for Mothers Day instead. My parents don't know any of what's going on and I don't necessarily want to fill them in on any details at this point. I may just go to my parents for Mothers Day. I told my wife I didn't care if she went down there on Sunday with the kids. Who knows, she could be lying again and meeting up with OM, but at this point all the "controlling" I'm doing is pushing her away even farther.
My wife does not like it when I say I am going to leave, or go for a walk or just go lay in the hammock because she says I'm running away from our problems. I don't get it though because in the same breath she wants her space. She wants me there but doesn't...very confusing. I think most of the time she likes the help I provide with the kids and when she has to do it on her own, she let's me know about it. I tell her, you better get used to it because that is exactly what divorce will do. Probably not the right thing to say yesterday, but she is pushing it there with all the divorce talk and she needs to wake up to reality what divorce will actually be like.
Anyway, I'm getting to the point in my life where I feel like I can try to follow some of Sandi's guidelines about not pursuing, chasing, begging, pleading, explaining etc... Before I was so emotionally distraught over the fact she is communicating with OM so much, I could not personally handle my emotions and reactions. Now I'm starting to get a little more disconnected and controlling my actions, that maybe I'm ready to implement some of these concepts instead of just wanting to do it.
This situation has definitely revealed a weak spot in me, I want to talk with my wife and work through this by explaining, talking or whatever because I feel like that is what got us here, lack of communication. Now I've got to learn to shut it off. The fact that I could lose my kids compounds the situation, but what I'm doing isn't working and indirectly I'm losing my kids with my instinctual reactions.
Man I feel like a head case anymore and sometimes it feels like it's just time to give up. If I gave up, then that would mean I didn't care about my family.
Puppy, I searched out Greek and Coach, how do I contact people on these message boards. I tried to send a PM and the UBB denied it, do I need some special permission? Not totally familiar with how this message boards works. I would love to get them involved with my message board, all the advice I can get the better !!
Thanks
Dan
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
The moderators disabled the private message feature. Just start a new thread called "Greek and Coach -- Need some Advice" (or some such), and link them to this thread.
Personally, I just look for the giant "Puppy Light" up in the sky, but I'm different that way.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
My wife texted me today that she wished yesterday didn't happen. I don't know exactly what she means by that, whether it means she wish it didn't happen because she liked our progress with baby steps....or....she wished it didn't happen because that was the nail in the coffin of our marriage. Either way, I'm not going to pursue too hard. I did text her back and tell her I wish it didn't happen either and liked how things had been going with us lately and I appreciate that she was trying.
Except that she's not.
Better:
"I know. This is very difficult on all of us right now."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, Dan here seems to think that talking to an atty -- and certainly CONVEYING any sort of legal stance -- toward his wife is going to drive her away, and isn't conducive to "working on the marriage." I've tried to tell him that the one has nothing to do with the other, and mentioned you as someone who used a VERY strong legal stance effectively to save his marriage.
