You mentioned co dependency and fixer. Two very difficult words. I was both as well and you get there without even knowing it but you do lose yourself.
Your H was lost in this unhealthy relationship too. As much as we see what we do as helpful it gives them an even greater sense of failure or lack of achievement.
It is even harder to detach from this type of R. Your self esteem is tied to your ability to help them and your fear is that they will some day be able to do it without you and then?...Not need you.
Detachment should be your goal right now for you and for H. If this dynamic is at work and allowed to continue your M will be over.
There is a book I read called codependent no more or something like that. I will find it and post the name. You can google the topic too and find some stuff.
Take care
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
