I think Oldtimer said it all. You were true to what you really wanted and felt and didn't let pride or hurt speak (I think this is what MWD says when she talks about speaking in complaints). Take your time, and you just did this amazingly.
Most interesting. I think it makes a lot of sense to roll with it, for now. Don't try to force and outcome, just yet. But this is extrememly interesting!
Sorry I've been MIA guys. Dealing with family funerals is exhausting work in my crazy large family. I'll be back to update ASAP. Work to do...gee, they expect me to actually do my job when I'm here.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hi guys! Busy, busy, busy here. That is good. I got two days back per month at work so now I'm off every other Tuesday instead of every Tuesday which also meant I got 5% of my pay back. 15% to go.......
My new way of eating went out the window the last 2 weeks with all the family trauma and the food pouring in from everyone we've ever known!!! I am going to be so ticked at myself when I weigh in on Saturday. Thankfully I have been trying to keep up the exercise but it's certainly not enough to counteract the crap I've been putting in my body.
I'll say this....my R with Gabe is strange and I still have no clue what is going on. I talked to my C Tuesday about how confused I am and told her what I had said to him about it. She thought it was a good step and it was a sign that I am getting better at stepping outside of my comfort zone where he is concerned. I don't know about that. I have a lot of fear that chokes me most of the time.
She gave me homework.
1)list what went wrong with the relationship 2)Who was primarily resposible for the end of the marriage? 3)If not me, how did I contribute to it? 4)What has changed? 5)What could change?
I started writing last night and everything I wrote was about what I did wrong, what I could have done better at. When I got to the "Who was primarily responsible for the end of the marriage?" I almost choked when I wrote down "I was. If I had done better maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to look elsewhere." That isn't good to feel that way is it? It was my honest feeling though. It's no good to just write down what I think I should say so it sounds like I have a handle on myself. I do enough of that all day, every day.
Is that answer because I still feel somewhat worthless? It has to be. Someone who feels good about themselves wouldn't take all the blame for someone else's betrayal. NOT RIGHT!!!!!
At least I recognize it's not right, now how do I change that thinking? I want to change that without putting anger and blame on him either. What is a healthy response? H
Have to run an errand. Be back later. Talk amongst yourselves.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hon, I think everyone of us felt so low and worthless when our spouses left, had an affair or both. I wrote this on someone else's thread today(not exact words though): When he first left, I thought who could possibly want me if the scum of the earth doesn't. Then I began to realize that I was above the scum but he had been holding on to me. Eventually another bit of scum grabbed a hold of him and he chose to let go. I was left to fly higher and find a better place.
I believe that your low self esteem could have contributed to issues within the marriage, it certainly was no reason for him to wander off and have an affair. Maybe Gabe didn't/doesn't feel all that great about himself and needed an ego boost. He has issues too my dear and really it isn't all about you. He was just thinking about himself and how to feel better.
Now you do the same.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I agree with Kat. You have to remember Gabe has huge issues too and you often posted here how low he felt about himself and worthless. Besides, didnt all this mess start when he lost his career at the police force? So his life was on a downward spiral and the broom ws just a symptom of that right (bad choices).
I too had huge guilt on how I was in the R and blamed myself for him leaving. This is natural. Everyone said, its not you, its him, but I would counter.. he left ME, so it IS about me. On reflection, it was a little bit of both, sure I was a bit of a pain in the arse, but he wasnt perfect either (in fact, he was a depressive!)... but the point is, it was HIS issues that meant he baled and left and in such a brutal way, instead of talking to me and addressing his depresion. That was all about him, his choice and his bad handling of the sitch.. he concealed his depression and unhappiness until it built up and blew and he 'snapped' and walked out. BAD communication!
So sure, you may have had your issues which affected what type of partner you were and how you were in the R.. but I bet you werent that bad Mish! Can you look back and remember what he was like, when he was in the Police and how things started to go wrong for him..? and did he talk to you about that, share it, or find solutions, or did he just take the short way out and bury himself in the A with the broom, to , as Kat says, make him feel better?? I guess the roots of it go deeper than the moment of betrayal. xx
It was my honest feeling though. It's no good to just write down what I think I should say so it sounds like I have a handle on myself. I do enough of that all day, every day.