reconciliation after divorce?

[Abbey]

How long before all hope is gone and I just blow it off and move on?

When you no longer have to ask that question. *hug*

Abbey

[any chance?]

Prariegirl:
You raise an interesting point. One of the most severe crises in my life was the loss of my father a couple of years ago. I revered the man. I was strong for him as his passing neared, and was numb for a long time after. The fact that I did not recognize the impact that event had actually had a lot to do with emotionally neglecting my W. I know that now. Did not know that then. The strengths that I found (and continue to find) through that stem directly from him - inner strength, confidence in self, do unto others, kindness to others, and, something I continue to work on, the wisdom to pick your battles, and not let the little things get you down. I don't know if this makes sense, or if I am rambling.

[any chance?]

I am confused. W wants a D, may be in an EA with OM, maybe not. Time will tell.

We work together. She comes into my office to see what my plans are (we share the car). She puts on a good front in front of everyone, but when she is with me she lets her depression show. Tears well up in her eyes whenever we talk about anything it seems. I ask her how she is doing, but specifically avoid any R talk. She could just ignore me, but seems to want to touch base regularly, but it obviously pains her to see me.

What does this all mean?

[Vulcanized]

Another down day. W appears to be continuing her EA. She tells me she wants to distance herself from OM, but that does not seem to be happening. I am attempting to GAL and move on, but it is incredibly difficult. How long before all hope is gone and I just blow it off and move on?

Hi any,

I think it's in your best interest to believe that she is continuing her EA, and probably allowing it to become more intense. I wouldn't believe her saying she is trying to distance. That doesn't seem very likely. I find it easiest to expect the worst and be surprised when it doesn't turn out that way.

Search out other posters on how to end the A. I've got no advice on how to do that, as I've been completely ineffectual ending my H's EA/PA.

In the interim, close ranks around yourself, for your own peace of mind. In my sitch, I've pulled so far back from H that he wonders 'if I still love him' [I didn't hear this from H] GAL as much as you can, that helps.

((any))

[dday101798]

She puts on a good front in front of everyone, but when she is with me she lets her depression show. Tears well up in her eyes whenever we talk about anything it seems. I ask her how she is doing, but specifically avoid any R talk. She could just ignore me, but seems to want to touch base regularly, but it obviously pains her to see me.

What does this all mean?

How many times must I answer this question?

[FindingMyVoice]

The strengths that I found (and continue to find) through that stem directly from him - inner strength, confidence in self, do unto others, kindness to others, and, something I continue to work on, the wisdom to pick your battles, and not let the little things get you down.

These are wonderful! I admire that you're able to list them so clearly. I bet your dad would be so proud of all these wonderful traits and strengths you've developed. Now....

I am confused. W wants a D, may be in an EA with OM, maybe not....Tears well up in her eyes whenever we talk about anything it seems. I ask her how she is doing, but specifically avoid any R talk. She could just ignore me, but seems to want to touch base regularly, but it obviously pains her to see me. What does this all mean?

Take a moment, if you can. Just put your pen down or the mouse or whatever and just look inside, and let your self confidence and inner strength show you what YOU think it means. I think you already know.

And just one last comment if that's ok...I notice in a lot of your posts you're talking about what she wants, what she might want, what she doesn't want, what she seems to feel, how she seems to react...My question is - what do YOU want, for YOU?

[any chance?]

I really don't know what it means, PG. Part of me says she is trying to say goodbye. Part of me says she is very sad at the place we are. Part of me says she is having a hard time letting me go. Your insight would be most appreciated.

I am having a tough time right now. Just walked W out of work, as she was obviously upset. She says she is overwhelmed with loneliness, has no one to talk to, nothing to look forward to, nowhere to go. This was apparently triggered by my telling her I was going to go out with friends tonight. She says I will be fine, I will make it through this. She sees that I have lots of friends, and am moving forward. She thinks she has no friends, no one calls, no one emails, but she has cut herself off from the world. She is in a very dark place, and it seems to be getting worse. I know the OM is pursuing her hardcore, and I don't think she is taking that very well.

I told her that I am there for her. Told her we had been together for a long time, and that I was there to help whenever she needed me. She says she cannot be dependant on me.

I know I am supposed to leave her alone to sort out her demons. It is killing me that she is doing this to herself, that it does not have to be this way. I want to text her and let her know that I do care about her health and well being. I am very very worried about her.

PG, you ask what I want. I want to rebuild my R. I want to start over and move forward. I want her back in my life. Wish I knew a way to tell her that.

[FindingMyVoice]

Part of me says she is trying to say goodbye. Part of me says she is very sad at the place we are. Part of me says she is having a hard time letting me go.

Well, I think you said it quite well actually. She's confused. In my opinion, I think that's what causes the whole push-pull dynamic thing WAs seem to create. And the only way she's going to work through those confusing feelings is to feel them, on her own. To experience them fully so that she can learn from them. Let me tell you, I've been so close to being a WAW in the last four months and that's what I'm feeling. So, so confused. Like you've seen in my thread I'm angry one day, berating myself the next, feeling abandoned and misunderstood, then riding high on confidence... the whole nine yards.

BUT. I think you're doing exactly the right thing - you CAN'T let yourself get sucked into that whirlpool of emotion she's having. I'm so afraid you'll end up manipulated, maybe not that she'd do it maliciously, but that her 'whirling' would blindside you in your efforts to stand by her. Focus on getting support for yourself instead, if you can. I'm so glad you've got lots of friends to support you right now. It sounds like you could use a good guys night out to help keep your mind off things.

I know how worried you are... you're a good, kind husband and I'm sorry you're going through such struggles. I think though, the best way to help her, is to trust in her. I know that might be counter-intuitive, but remember that she's a grown woman - she's got the resources to sort out the 'question marks' in her life and to learn confidence in herself, she's got to realize she can sort it out... she's got to be able to conquer those demons on her own.

Yes she's cut herself off from her support system, but she CHOSE that path. And, just as important is that she can CHOOSE to open that path back up to her friends and family. But she's got to do it on her own.

And don't forget, retain the distance you need to stay balanced and healthy yourself. I don't know... I fear I'm babbling now and making things more confusing for you! Please know that I'm thinking about you my friend. (((AnyChance)))

[any chance?]

You were not babbling. Thank you very much, PrairieGirl. I needed that. Means alot.

[FindingMyVoice]

You're welcome, AnyChance. Thanks for your support too. I'm pretty much attached to my computer during the daytimes, so feel free to let me know if you need to vent or an ear to listen.