THIS is my greatest fear; that so much of what I am told on this board is based on people's jaded opinion and not nearly enough on reinforcing the hopeful messages that CAN be passed on from DB or other sources.
My marriage is NOT in that place... yet. I suspect people are often overlooking that (not you OT and their advice is just the same blanket advice given to those who, as pointed out, are in radically different sitches than mine.
GH,
I think you do a great disservice to those that take the time to post to you when you say that. What you see as "jaded opinion" and "blanket advice," may actually be heartfelt advice -- born of concern -- and colored only by our experience, both with our own sitches and based upon studying others on these forums (and elsewhere) over the years. To me, that is the beauty of DB -- complete strangers, all flawed, but compassionately trying to help those that might just be at different points along the path.
Speaking for myself, if I see warning signs, I point them out, because I don't want to see people in pain any more than they have to be. That's just me, and -- like Jack (altho we don't always agree) -- am pretty frank about it, and I cut to the chaste. Life is short.
The second point I wanted to make is that ever since you started re-posting your current sitch, you've gone to great lengths to say things like this:
Quote:
The absolute hardest thing about all this, and the thing that is 100% different from my own past experience with my W's affair, different than most of YOUR experiences with your spouse's MLC/affair/etc, is that other than these things surrounding the "affair" if it is that, she is TOTALLY NORMAL towards me. Loves me, is affectionate, we ML, talk well (when not about R), laugh, etc. That is TOTALLY different than last time. Oh, and to this point, she has not admitted an affair at all. Last time she had no problem doing that and then carrying on.
So all these things I am doing, all this reaction, is based on just a few points of contention, albeit large ones. There is none of the context (no ILYBNILWU, no lack of intimacy, no change in overall R behavior, etc) that usually accompanies this. So I feel like I am on an island, making huge decisions based on very little evidence, very little anything other than my feelings that I am sure are in some way tainted by my past experience.
Why are you so convinced that your wife -- if she cheats on you again -- is going to behave the exact same way she did the last time? I could point to dozens of affairs where the straying spouse exhibits:
Quote:
she is TOTALLY NORMAL towards me. Loves me, is affectionate, we ML, talk well (when not about R), laugh, etc. That is TOTALLY different than last time. Oh, and to this point, she has not admitted an affair at all. Last time she had no problem doing that and then carrying on.
Maybe you're not the only one who "learned" from the last time.
and their advice is just the same blanket advice given to those who, as pointed out, are in radically different sitches than mine.