I'm going to defer on this one, because the first thought that pops into my mind may not be accurate...but here it is.
There may be somebody at the gym that she's interested in that she does not want to see flowers on her car.
And I know you know this now, but sending 3 sets of flowers was total overkill. That is major pursuing. I was under the impression that you sent one set of flowers to her.
Let some others give you some input because I'm not really sure at the moment. My first thought is she is telling you to back off.
Please use this as a lesson learned. One set of flowers was not appropriate and three sets is way over the top pursuit.
I would not respond to her e-mail. You would not ponder so much if you sent a "regular" friend flowers for their b-day. She has thanked you for them and that is that. She also made it very clear for you not to do that again.
Unless it is something urgent (bills, finances) do not contact her again.
Depressing. So we look at our Wayward Wifes, as not our wives for right now. Even some cases in a lower stature than a female friend who enjoys our company, because in many cases our WAW do not enjoy our company, while that friend may view us as a "potential".
This really illustrates how far out we can get with our own spouses.
I have been saying for a few years, that even not married on paper if you have a long term relationship, and you spend most of your time with that one partner ( mental, physical, sexual ). Thats pretty much your spouse, spiritually.
So when these spouses get OM or OW, they essentially flip them into a spouse role or the (girl|boy)friend that they are trying to hook, and the spouse can get moved to something less than a friend.
Its scarey to see how far you have to go if you want to recover, and to know that you may never recover.
GM, I see what you're thinking but I'm pretty sure that's not the case. At least I can't see it. She and I are usually there at the same time and I would notice if there was someone there she was interested in. I've never seen her talk to anyone whiles she's there. She always works out with her GF or sister and they keep to themselves and then leave.
DLS, I haven't heard of the ladder theory. I'll have to look it up. Things are "friendly" but I'm not sure if that's what you meant.
Don't know which way to go yet. I like Mr. Bond's simple "you're welcome" reply but CityGirl's advice not to contact W keeps with Gucci's advice of no contact. Either way, it seems like no one feels that I should apologize to her for making her feel uncomfortable. Just let sleeping dogs lie on that one.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Please do look up "ladder theory", in short it is a way of describing how men and women look at "joined relationship". So you have categories and you can be moved between categories.
For one:
Moved from long term boyfriend|husband to "friend" role is going to be alot harder to move back up than if you started out in "friend" role. In short you want to be a role where "you have a shot".
When WAW moved us from H role and OM into most of the things we used to do for us, she moved us down to "friend" and sometimes less. Its very hard to reverse this. Many may find it easier to find a new situation and start out "higher" than you would with your own wife. Its not that its impossible to move back up, the question is it worth the effort.
Also short on ladder theory:
You have a female you met and are friends. In her mind you may be a "potential" or she may have put you in "friends" status because of your looks or how you act, etc.
"potential", means you may have a opportunity with her. "Friends", means you probably don't have an opportunity. To move from "friends" to "potential" is very hard, because she has to have a different perception of you. As you know that takes alot of time and with some people is impossible due to how they look at life.
And on your actions. At this point THATS NOT YOUR WIFE. I think if we look at it that way its much easier to do the right things. Because if it is your wife, she can see you doing some wussy things and it doesn't change her perception of you. Where you are at now, you shouldn't apologize when you shouldn't, but you should when you should. Also you may have to have your guard up as much as you would with any other female you don't completely trust.
Its all starting to make more sense on how to do it. So wife moved off our "wife" ladder and onto one where she "has a man" ladder and she's not really interested in you.
If I were in your shoes, I think I would agree with Gucci and City Girl and go NC.
I'm still suprised that you sent 3 sets of flowers.
Just to give you an idea of where I was coming from, I think I have given my W three gifts TOTAL since we've been separated, and she did not respond negatively to any of them. They were each small gifts and were several weeks apart each time. One gift was kind of a "gag" gift. She opened it and started smiling. That's the kind of effect you need a gift to have.
I have also given each gift in person and I don't think you have the opportunity to do that right now.
I've decided not to respond to her email. I see no point in it. The more I think about it the more I think she was just partonizing me anyway. Her saying "thank you" and she "appreciates" me sending flowers and thinking of her are just ways of her being polite, I agree with CityGirl on this one. I think she was also just being polite wishing my father a happy birthday. I don't think I believe there was any real sincerity on her part for anything she said in her email other than feeling uncomfortable with the flowers left on her car.
So she acknowledged the flowers, big deal. I'm not reading anything into it. I agree with CityGirl that I will not contact her unless there is an issue with the finances or something important. I'm sure I won't hear from her again for a while anyway unless it's something she wants. I'm tired of getting crumbs. Unless she begins to want to actually talk about the M then I see no reason to talk to her.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
And you will get crumbs unless she has a reason not to give them to you. Most of these WAW will not "back out" of being in the affair. Even if the affair partners "break up", if it was "friendly", she will go onto the next.
What may get her looking at the M more critically is if the affair partner dumps her in a bad way, or she's near threat of losing her job, or some kind of big life trouble that makes her take a status check of everything she's doing.
For now, for all of us in these situations "thats not your wife" - at least not the way she is carrying on.
