I like you. I dare say yours is the voice that most often speaks directly to me and gets through the best. Maybe it's that you seem to have a touch more hopefullness left in you.
Oh, and I forgot to point out...
Quote:
I feel by the time many of us arrive here. (this board) our old R is toast, gone...over It's not working at all for either party. Yet so many of us cling to it out of fear.
I'm not saying end it.... I'm not saying it's over forever. What I am saying is that sometimes things must come to an end in order to be rebuilt and you CANNOT fear that.
THIS is my greatest fear; that so much of what I am told on this board is based on people's jaded opinion and not nearly enough on reinforcing the hopeful messages that CAN be passed on from DB or other sources.
My marriage is NOT in that place... yet. I suspect people are often overlooking that (not you OT and their advice is just the same blanket advice given to those who, as pointed out, are in radically different sitches than mine.
Oh, and that part about not being afraid to end things... to me that's utter bull-hit. NOBODY can ever not be afraid to end a marriage, especially when there are kids involved. If you can say you are not afraid of that, then you are not human. Sorry.
Ok, back to you Jack. I think you are right. I was put in a situation where I FELT the need to throw up a boundary and then just went with that feeling. To be honest, I may be all those fluffy things you talked about. I don't know yet.
The absolute hardest thing about all this, and the thing that is 100% different from my own past experience with my W's affair, different than most of YOUR experiences with your spouse's MLC/affair/etc, is that other than these things surrounding the "affair" if it is that, she is TOTALLY NORMAL towards me. Loves me, is affectionate, we ML, talk well (when not about R), laugh, etc. That is TOTALLY different than last time. Oh, and to this point, she has not admitted an affair at all. Last time she had no problem doing that and then carrying on.
So all these things I am doing, all this reaction, is based on just a few points of contention, albeit large ones. There is none of the context (no ILYBNILWU, no lack of intimacy, no change in overall R behavior, etc) that usually accompanies this. So I feel like I am on an island, making huge decisions based on very little evidence, very little anything other than my feelings that I am sure are in some way tainted by my past experience.
SO yes Jack, I may lack the balls to do this simply because I lack the ability to ignore all the "positives" still left in my marriage and focus on the big negatives. Before it was easy because there were few positives.
I feel like if/when I do this (enforce the boundary) it will lead to a lot more negative that was otherwise absent.
Thanks for chiming in. Stick around, I may need you over the next couple days.
and their advice is just the same blanket advice given to those who, as pointed out, are in radically different sitches than mine.