From this day forward................

[ddstartingover]

I'm busy. Busier than any person should be - and even with that, H is still on my mind. I think about what I've lost, what my kids have lost, and every day I'm faced with memories of the past 30 years.

I'm still struggling. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, feelings of abandonment and "just not being good enough." It really sucks to be the LBS and to have these feelings on top of it all----but that's the way it is for me -- and yes I know what I need to work on.

I would love to feel good about myself again/not feel like I'm worthless because I am not enough to want to do the work to save a 24 year marriage (officially 24 years on May 17)-----worthless because OW can come in to the picture and be enough to justify walking away from our M and family. I would love to feel good about being ME---and not just because I am an awsome mom and am holding it all together/doing it all....but hopefully that will come with time. I think it will come when I am able to grow enough to truly believe that I don't need H and a marriage to have self worth (see - struggling, but I KNOW!).

I struggle day by day.

Hour by hour.

Minute by minute.

I know I'm not going to wake up and "be over it all." I know that this is going to be a long process----it's already been a long process. I'm not taking pity on myself. I've accepted where I am and know that what's most important is working on me and my future (without H).

With all of this, I know that I will be ok. I know what I need to do and I'm working on what I can----but have ZERO time to work on what I want----when I will have time, I have no idea --- but I'm ok with that right now too. I have a lot of work to do on what's in my head......

I know and accept that there will be no lightbulb moment. I am a work in progress - with a lot of work still yet to go.

I am currently working on quashing thoughts to keep me from dwelling on things that are not "healthy," and handling things MY way. I'm pretty smart, tougher than a boot, and not even 1% as needy as I come off in my threads. This is my emotional sanctuary - where I have come to let it all out - and (I'm sure) will be doing more of as I continue to try to accept - without understanding.

Aren't you glad you asked????