I just read a very good (I think) article on setting boundaries. Since I have read a lot in the past, it was the perfect refresher for me. I totally get what you all are saying. I understand the frustration you have with me and how I am trying to "use" boundaries to affect change rather than protect myself.
Quote:
What are the things you can NOT accept in your marriage ???
That, to me (prepare frustration) is not so cut and dried, especially when considering DBing takes a radical approach in saying that we can choose (and I have been doing WAY to little choosing lately) to accept temporary situations in order to work towards a better marriage. Conventional wisdom says that affairs, dishonesty, etc, are deal breakers. DB says no. Now mind you, I have not read the book in a long time but the "eureka" moment for me was in realizing that for once this book was suggesting ways to work within the framework of a damaged marriage to try to repair it, not to just simply take stock and decide on whether to "d" or not to "d". I was SO sick of hearing that and DBing (jeezus I sound like a pitch man) showed me another way.
What I am hearing seems to be born of the former, fish or cut bait approach to marriage, affairs, issues, etc. I am not at all interested in that approach.
PLEASE READ THIS:
The facts:
I DB'ed through an affair 4 years ago. I tolerated an affair, watched in go on, and accepted that my marriage may be over but that I had to do major work to do on my side of things. DBing showed me how to do that. GAL, "as if", 180's, etc. All that was about getting away from focusing on the R and more on me. The "A" ended, W came back, admitted she was wrong and we moved forward.
Potential truths:
1) My DBing, or "accepting" the affair while I chose to focus on myself until such a time when things could be repaired gave my wife a feeling that she could do this again and that I would just sit by and watch it happen.
2) My DBing worked but since I strayed so far from what I learned during that time, my W started feeling all the same feelings (we discussed a lot after the last affair) she did leading up to her discontent before and had the same reaction. So maybe it's time for getting back to DB basics.
