Hey ya'll. Not much progress in the past week, hence not much posting. I have worked on boundaries but one thing has become perfectly clear as I've defined, examined and expressed those boundaries (no dishonesty, no nights out with friends I don't know, wearing wedding rings); my W has NO intention of stopping whatever is going on.
Boundaries come with a plan of action otherwise they are just empty words. It doesn't really sound like you have a clear cut plan.
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No amount of rational, irrational or any other talk/action is going to change her behavior. She is 100% convinced that she's "entitled" to this behavior
They all act this way.
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Now trying to talk to her about anything close to R is met with total silence.
Time for a whole lot less talking and more doing.
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The thing that brought me to the MLC forum in the first place is that she is becoming more isolated from the family. Of course this may be largely in reaction to my increasingly erratic behavior (yes, I suck right now at DBing). When I am not operating from a purely negative emotional place (which is still fairly often) I've tried to talk to her from a non-accusing, non-confrontational place. I have refrained from talking about her behavior and just focused on my feelings, etc. In the end, she's become a wall to talk to. She says she's answered all my questions, and addressed all my concerns 1000 times over and no matter what she says, no matter how much she "proves" there is nothing for me to worry about, I will ALWAYS act this way and she's sick of it.
Again talky no worky.
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The saddest part is that I'm almost convinced she's right. So let's play total head-up-our-arse devil's advocate here. Let's say she's right, and I am an a-hole. Let's say she's also being somewhat honest, at least on the big points of there not being an affair (remember, head-up-the-arse mode here, I know it's a stretch), etc. So what. She's also right (pull head out now... real truth here) that I can't deal with whatever is going on, affair or not. I can't deal with the dishonesty. I can't deal with her new found disliking of wearing her wedding rings. Hell, I've even gone retroactive and can't deal with the fact that she's NEVER been one to use the phrases "we, us, our", etc. She's prefers the singular way to refer to everything in life.
Dude you can "what if" this thing till the cows come home. Bottom line......
Are you happy right now?
Is this shitt ok with you? Meaning do you want to live this way indefinitely?
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So here I am, listing to OT, Jack, Puppy and others tell me that I need to define and then adopt boundaries. Well, I know what they are but it's clear that my W has no intention of respecting them. So now what?
Again, I think you're missing the most important aspect of a boundary and that is the ACTION behind it. NO WAIVERING, NO BS'ING, you just start doing.
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So here we sit. An impasse. I am struggling mightily with where to go from here. I do want to save this marriage but I am seeing such apathy in my W it's scary. Maybe I am to blame, I don't know anymore. All I know is that I am consumed with anger, fear, dread, hopelessness and just about every other emotion that can cause your stomach to be in constant knots.
You've gotta get rid of this fear man. What are you clinging on to right now? A life full of fear,dread,hopelessness...???
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I need work on my side of the fence, especially since it may be time to start DOING something to respect those boundaries myself.
There is no maybe about it IMO. You've done the talking, you have your answers.
It is time.... however this needs to be carefully thought out and you need to dig deep and be strong about this. You have to get past all of this fear.
You can do this G!
What Trapt said. ^ Can't be said any better/clearer.
A boundary without consequences is no boundary at all -- it's more of a "geeIwishyouwouldn't."
