I still don't intuitively understand what you are saying, but maybe if I hear it enough or in different ways it will make more sense to me. I don't know why I can't see it!
We all see things differently and you are too close to the situation to see it yet.
While I really hate to spell things out, because I would rather people discover their opinions on their own, I will try to be more clear. Remember this disclaimer though, this is what I see based on what you have written and my understanding of MLC. Without every minute detail, it is very possible that I could be wrong or missing something….
Originally Posted By: SecondChance
The "I don't want to do that with someone..." part - he DOES say he wants to reconcile, and I think he means it. He just wants to keep his other world too.
He wants the best of both worlds, which is considered cake eating. If you allow this, he will continue to do it. He does it because you let him. You let him because you still want this M but you don’t know yet that you also have some say in how it will turn out.
The bouncing thing with the where to live is keeping you stuck. Do you want to stay where you are? It sounds like it is a good place for you and the kids right now.
Do you want to move back to the other city? If you do and it is feesable, then you should do that regardless of whether he says it is ok or not. Your H does not own the world.
As far as getting out of the trench, right now, you have to do that alone.
Go with your coworkers and friends and do things. Go with your children and have fun. They sound like they are doing fantastic.
If your H comes around and wants to participate, smile and be friendly, expecting nothing in return from him. Like the neighbor joining you.
If he is truly afraid of you finding someone else, right now that is because you are his safety net. There is nothing wrong with that if you are ok with it, and when you are no longer ok with it, you will know.
If, down the road, you do want to move ON with your life, versus FORWARD, that will be the consequences of your H’s actions that he will have to deal with.
Originally Posted By: SecondChance
I really think the only way he might stop is if I date, or get divorced. But then he'd probably just go off on his own way anyway, blame it all on me, and then any chance of R is lost.
Right now, you are right, he would just probably go off on his own and put all of the blame on you.
If you try this simply to get him to come back, please make sure are really honestly and truly ready for him to NOT come back, because either of these actions will be you throwing down the gauntlet.
Are you ready to do that?
Feeling like the fight is gone, is probably the best thing.
Where do you go from here?
Do you just put an end to something when it isn’t what you want to do…
OR…
Do you shift the focus and start making steps forward in your life to make YOU happy, and know that he will either join you or he won’t someday…
And until that time when a choice is made, you just live for you in ways that will serve you and honor yourself...
Up to you…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
