One last question: Should I wait a couple of days or go home tonight and present her with this? I know timing is important and I missed my opportunity last night. Should I let it cool off a little or do it right away?
I want to do this right. It does feel like my last chance. I know it may not be, this is a marathon not a sprint. I also know that being in limbo is no way to spend your life. I desperately want to keep my family together but can't decide for her.
If this is, in fact, the or a turning point, I don't want to screw it up any further.
Only talk to her like this if you are detached enough to do it. Rehearse it in your "voice." Coach yourself on the triggers and how to deal with them.
Tell her "I have been thinking about what you said and this is what I have decided." You have a choice in how you handle it.
No expectations, no fears (you are already dead) and be a leader. You can handle it
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
As always, coach is right on about this. Remember your wife is lying to you, probably about everything. She'll probably do something nice for you to throw you off, then go right out and do something that is completely irresponsible and immoral for a married woman to do.
As coach said, transparency is not an issue when there is no issue, so if she balks at this, you'll know she's hiding what is going on.
Phrase everything in a manner that explains what you, as a husband and good father cannot accept in his home because it goes against what any good husband and father would accept.
So don't say "You can't do 'this'", say "As a husband and father these types of actions are unacceptable in a marriage and good family home, and I won't tolerate them." Then come up with a plan for handling any violations of these boundaries. This can be difficult sometimes, so asking others on the board how they handle them can be of help.
I can see difficulty in an in home separation with your wife acting as she is. She'll likely use it to cake eat. Where she goes is her problem. Perhaps if she agrees to transparency, then in home can be accepted. If not, then she has to go.
Your wife has a job and income, and so do you, so perhaps that makes it easier to separate the finances. That's a tough step since it seems so divorce-like, but it is some cold hard reality in the WAW's face. If she has to go find some crappy shack apartment, then so be it.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I will practice and rehearse what I am going to say. This is something I know I must do. I have said some but not all of what I expect.
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No expectations, no fears (you are already dead) and be a leader.
Of course, you're right. If I do nothing different, I am as good as D already.
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You can handle it
It took me being brought down this low, but I think I can handle it. I don't want to be with someone like this. During our discussion last night, I saw glimpses of my old W. The one who was loving and caring. Then the manipulating alien would show herself and my compassion would disappear. We didn't really fight, just a long discussion for the first time in a long time. In a way, it felt good even though the outcome was far from what I wanted. Hopefully it was a hidden step in the right direction.
"Only talk to her like this if you are detached enough to do it. Rehearse it in your "voice." Coach yourself on the triggers and how to deal with them."
This.. is 100's of times more important.. than what you say.
There is a reason why Coach made it a statement in his post.
Pay attention to it.. understand it.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"As a husband and father these types of actions are unacceptable in a marriage and good family home, and I won't tolerate them."
Yes, be very clear on what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable. This keeps it from being personal or controlling - she has a choice in how she behaves.
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During our discussion last night, I saw glimpses of my old W. The one who was loving and caring. Then the manipulating alien would show herself and my compassion would disappear.
That's because she is confused, hurting and unsure of your marriage. On your wedding day this isn't what she imagined either. Being strong and a leader doesn't mean you aren't compassionate and loving. Your wife is watching you very closely right now.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Being strong and a leader doesn't mean you aren't compassionate and loving. Your wife is watching you very closely right now.
I know this is the key. Even though she says she's not in love with me, and I have said the same thing, I need to show compassion. I need to say things in a way that seems like I hate even bringing them up.
I know she is hurting too. This detachment thing is a beotch. To truely be detached, I must truely be okay with either outcome. I want to save this. I can't quite turn the corner, though. I don't want the marriage we've had for the past 6 or 8 months, I want a new and better one. One where we both realize we have made mistakes and are better prepared to deal with problems that arise. Only if she want the same.
Thanks again to everyone. I really needed this today.
I have been doing okay but am now getting a little nervous. Close to quitting time. Hey, I get to go home and see my kids! They shouldn't have to help me through this but they do.
Just like everyone else, I didn't want it to come to this. Even though she is still in the house, she is gone. Has been for a long time. Nothing I have been doing seems to be working. Maybe it is and this is part of the path that must be followed.
Last night was okay. When I got home, W and kids were out playing in the yard. I went and played b-ball with W and twins. Then played with the little ones for a while and we all had a good time. First time in a while that we ALL had fun.
We went in to do homework and she said she made me a plate for supper. I warmed it up, pork chops, corn and potatoes. I told her how good it was and thanks. The boys finished homework and all the kids took showers, watched a little TV and went to bed.
W said she was going to take a shower. I was watching TV when she came out of the bathroom. A little small talk and I got up from my chair. She asked where I was going and I said to take a shower. When I came out, she was laying in bed. I asked what was going on today and got the game plan, then went back out in the living room. She called me back in the bedroom. She said I could sleep in the bed. I said I planned on it, why wasn't she on the couch again. She said her back hurt. I turned to walk out again and she said she had been thinking. She doesn't think the in house separation will be enough. We will still see each other as much as we do now. She doesn't want to leave the kids and she doesn't expect me to leave them either. So, she was thinking on the days that she has to be at work at 4am, she wants to go to her bros. house and spend the night. When she doesn't work, she wants me to go spend the night. She asked, "What do you think?" I agreed that if she really wanted time apart to think about things without any pressure, the in house probably wouldn't work. I said we would tell the kids what was going on. I didn't really say much and I didn't get emotional. She said to think about it and I said I would and let her know what my decision was.
I know I will lay out some ground rules as Coach and others suggested yesterday. There will be no dating. If she wants that, we can go straight to D court.
Has anyone else gone this route of taking turns staying at the house with the kids? Is it a good compromise? Will it do any good or is she just buying time?
