First things first. Thanks trapt and I will answer your question; yes, I am willing to live this way indefinitely if that's what it will take to save my marriage. Of course the trick is in knowing when to stop existing parallel and start moving one way or another.
On to my general response to your post...
From that post, I distill "it is time" as the overall theme. Yea, I get that, but time for what? File for "D"? Seems a bit of an over-reaction to me at this point. Go dark? Maybe. What else? Maybe I need to brush up on my boundary setting so I can properly understand what to DO in the case of emergency.
What action should I be taking?
DBing and ALL I DO is about saving my marriage. That's the sole reason I am here. Yes, saving myself is part of that my saving my marriage is the ultimate goal. I suspect that much of what I am hearing is not so much about that. Yes, I said I want to save myself first but all this "action" and such doesn't seem like it's going towards that end. As I ALWAYS say, I can walk away whenever. That's the last resort for me, and always an option. What to do before that. I can go to a 1000 places, describe my situation and get the "dude, your W is clearly having an affair so you need to tell her 'end it or else' and then if she doesn't, you need to get a divorce." If I accepted that point of view, I would not be here. This is not an issue of boundaries or not, it's a simple matter of philosophical starting points.
So what you (and I will use you trapt as a stand in for everyone since I am hearing a lot of this lately) are saying is that this action I need to take right now will help save my marriage? How so? OR are you simply saying, as so many have said before (mostly from outside the DB community), that it's intolerable to suffer through the kind of things my W is doing and it's time for me to get out while the getting's good?
That's not a rhetorical question. I am seriously confused about how that advice will help save my marriage. Sure, it may make me more happy but DB is all about putting the marriage first and making saving it the priority, even if it comes at some personal costs, or even a lot of personal sacrifice.
(EDITED IN) To clarify, I know DBing is a whole lot of focusing on self. I am not blind to that but I am simply saying the GOAL of it is 100% about saving a marriage. I just want to be sure the goal of the advice I am getting is 100% about saving my marriage and not something else.
Thanks for helping, even if that help comes mainly in allowing me to refocus on what I want out of this process.
Last edited by grasshopper; 05/06/1001:37 PM. Reason: clarification
