Working on a NEW marriage

[Surviving03]

I love this Steady... you always force me to really take a good look at myself and you have alot of great insight.

This is soooo true for me. I know for 100% fact that I did smother H with my insecurities and accusations and it most definitly had the most to do with why he wanted a D. In fact, he told me before that his breaking point in all this, where he went from having negative thoughts about the M to feeling like he def wants a D, was when he told me on the phone while he was in Iraq about a female coworker (turned out to be best friend of OW) confiding in him that she had been sexually assaulted out there, and when he told me this, I immediately started questioning why she would tell him of all people, what made her feel they had a closeness like that??!! had they been really good friends and I was totally unaware??! why would someone feel that comfortable to tell him that??!! And this was 2 days after H came to me the very first time and told me he was having some doubts about us... and then here I go accusing him of having a friend more or less.

I dont know exactly what causes me to do this... I am confident, I do know that H is not the only person I could be with, I know I am worthy of love. If I had to guess, I would say it might be this: I am an attractive person and I have always gotten alot of attention from men, all the way back since grade school. What I find, however, is most attention from guys makes me feel uncomfortable and slightly annoyed. So my point is, I know people are attracted to me. BUT when I am in a relationship I do feel alot of insecurities about myself, I fear that my significant other will find someone else more attractive than me, I fear that they dont actually find me that attractive. I fear that they settled with me in some regard, Im not actually their "type" (this is really true for my H, he has always dated brunettes who are athletic and sporty, I am blonde and more of a cheerleader type) and of COURSE OW fit the description of H usual type. But anyways... I put SO much of myself into my relationships, and I am terrified that I wont get the same in return. I was cheated on NUMEROUS times in a past significant relationship, and H and I had a some minor trust issues while we were dating... so its all just kinda a big mess of insecurity.

I can say this though, when I was going thru my stages of detaching when I thought there was no sign of a reconcilliation, I was feeling VERY confident and I had got to a point where I knew I didnt need a man to confirm for me that I am loveable or worthy or attractive or anything... I knew all these things and I felt real good about myself... and I am losing that now that we are reconcilled. I dont know why.... last night and today so much of my old habits were resurfacing... it made me feel terrible, and I sent H an ecard apologizing. Conversation came up again about some of the emails I read on his ipod between him and OW. And my old self came out... and last night he came home later than I thought was ok from his buddies house, and I ripped him a new one...... he takes this all very well, I see the frustration in his face but he is biting his tongue and maintaining a very understanding position, and I love him for it.... but I find it is SO hard to understand how to balance working on my trust issues, and ACTUALLY being able to trust him after the hurt he caused....