Hey ya'll. Not much progress in the past week, hence not much posting. I have worked on boundaries but one thing has become perfectly clear as I've defined, examined and expressed those boundaries (no dishonesty, no nights out with friends I don't know, wearing wedding rings); my W has NO intention of stopping whatever is going on. No amount of rational, irrational or any other talk/action is going to change her behavior. She is 100% convinced that she's "entitled" to this behavior because of living for years as a stay-at-home-mom with little outside life other than the occasional outing with other moms. She's said as much on several occasions... but that was before she just started shutting down on me. Now trying to talk to her about anything close to R is met with total silence.
The thing that brought me to the MLC forum in the first place is that she is becoming more isolated from the family. Of course this may be largely in reaction to my increasingly erratic behavior (yes, I suck right now at DBing). When I am not operating from a purely negative emotional place (which is still fairly often) I've tried to talk to her from a non-accusing, non-confrontational place. I have refrained from talking about her behavior and just focused on my feelings, etc. In the end, she's become a wall to talk to. She says she's answered all my questions, and addressed all my concerns 1000 times over and no matter what she says, no matter how much she "proves" there is nothing for me to worry about, I will ALWAYS act this way and she's sick of it. The saddest part is that I'm almost convinced she's right. So let's play total head-up-our-arse devil's advocate here. Let's say she's right, and I am an a-hole. Let's say she's also being somewhat honest, at least on the big points of there not being an affair (remember, head-up-the-arse mode here, I know it's a stretch), etc. So what. She's also right (pull head out now... real truth here) that I can't deal with whatever is going on, affair or not. I can't deal with the dishonesty. I can't deal with her new found disliking of wearing her wedding rings. Hell, I've even gone retroactive and can't deal with the fact that she's NEVER been one to use the phrases "we, us, our", etc. She's prefers the singular way to refer to everything in life.
So here I am, listing to OT, Jack, Puppy and others tell me that I need to define and then adopt boundaries. Well, I know what they are but it's clear that my W has no intention of respecting them. So now what? Pull back? That's what she wants. I get the impression that the participation in the R that she does is 100% to maintain the status quo, not from any place of love or concern.
Of course all I am doing is just flailing trying to preserve that same status quo, or maybe better it, but in the end, I see that we're now on opposite sides of a fence. She's sick of the confines of our marriage but thinks there's room to roam within it. I am not comfortable with roaming, especially with people I don't know.
So here we sit. An impasse. I am struggling mightily with where to go from here. I do want to save this marriage but I am seeing such apathy in my W it's scary. Maybe I am to blame, I don't know anymore. All I know is that I am consumed with anger, fear, dread, hopelessness and just about every other emotion that can cause your stomach to be in constant knots.
Please, even if you think I need a 2x4, go a bit easy. I am so looking for support now. I don't really have anyone here to talk to, or lean on so you all are it. I know I am being sucky at DB. Correct that, advise me on that, but I really need to move past trying to affect my W's behavior or influence whatever her sitch is. Talk of boundaries is fine but it's clear that I need work on my side of the fence, especially since it may be time to start DOING something to respect those boundaries myself. So please, help me be more me now. For my kid's sake and mine.
I want to save my marriage but I want to save me first.
