You need to NOT return any wrath or anger with your own. This is HIS thing, you need to let him see that you won't be a part of it. The way you do this is by having your script and leaving when he starts. You ALWAYS stay very cool and calm and have real regret in your voice when you say "I can't talk to you when you are like this. I hope we can work this out in the future but for now I have to ...." and then go get busy or leave. Have genuine warmth in your voice as you do this--a warm attitude with someone like this goes a long way.
Over in Infedelity this situation comes up a LOT. There is some fabulous insight over there--but they mostly believe the wayward S, since he can't engage you, will go back and engage the affair partner. Which of course helps destroy their little fantasy.
Makes absolute sense to me--do you think your H is going to change on his own?? The next person will be getting this treatment soon--that's what he does. But deep down he WANTS SOMEBODY to STOP HIM!
You have a young child--remember those tantrums? They are testing to see if they have parents that will be STRONG and not let them get away with things--that rules and boundaries ARE REAL. This gives the child a lot of confidence and security--it's NO different for your H!!
It has taken me way, way too long to see that *I* am as much to blame in my H's anger and rage as he is BECAUSE *I* let it continue. I am in a position of authority with him--I never realized this AT ALL. But it is true. He looks to me to be the adult.
It takes two. Is your H going to be strong and stop on his end? or are you? My money is NOT going to be on your H.lol.
I have a 15 year marriage of this. I've been doing it for 3 1/2 months. It's working. You've seen it, I've seen it. I nevr did this before when I was DBing so it's a completely new thing for me, but DBing HAS helped in that I know about GAL and 180s and all that.
Me personally--I used to be such an avoider in our R. Now I can't wait to go home and be around him and SHOW HIM in a consistent way that I am going to be different. It was really, really scary at first too--my H has followed me around the house with his fists clenched and his eyes bulging out of their sockets screaming at me.
It's getting better. The positives are small, I do have to look carefully for them, but they are there.
Did you see that my H is going to church with me Sunday?lol. From wanting a divorce in the a.m. to telling me he'll go to church with me in the afternoon. It's a roller coaster ride around here, that is FOR SURE!lol.
