So H arrived home from his tournament a lot earlier than I thought. He called home while I was at my workout and told S he'd be home soon. When he got home he was pretty upbeat telling me all about the weekend and then was asking me about my plans. I told him S and I would be playing tennis for a while and then I had some other stuff to finish around the house. When I got back from tennis, I finished some cleaning. H also started to help out. When I was done, I decided to have a shower and in walks H into the shower with me...
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I think your H's mixed emotions are unfortunately not surprising and I agree with K - it takes a long time to 'let go' of the OP mentally, even long after the actual EA/PA phase has ended.
I had one years ago and my grieving phase lasted about a year after he had moved abroad and we were no longer in contact (like your H, my OM suddenly changed his mind and wanted nothing more to do with me, at the height of our involvement and yes, it sent me into a spin of pursueing him..) eventhough I had a loving bf at home who the rational part of me knew was the better man and my future. Perverse, I know!! xx
Hi Andabelle and Ali thanks for stopping by. And Ali thanks for your perspective above.
It's been a long time since I updated. Actually, not much to update. We didn't go to Retro because H never got around to giving me his response and I took that as a "No". We've been pretty much in limbo. Still no transparency, virtually no R talks. H still pursues me when he wants s&x - I'm the one that's distant. The lack of openness is really eating away at me. H has completely shut me out of his "work" life (actually grad student life). I have no idea who the friends are that he's spending so much time with but I figure they're all about 20 years younger than H. Once again he's hanging out with 20 something year olds.
I've gone ahead and made vacation plans. I'll be going to Europe for 3 weeks in July with S13, my sister and mom. I can't wait. It's been one heck of a year (actually 3 years). Can't wait around for H to actually plan vacation time ahead of time because it never happens - it's always been very last minute with him. Sigh...
I've been reading along - I'll try to visit others' threads soon.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
One year into Piecing and H is still very secretive. I find that very hard to handle. I have no access to his laptop because he has a password on it. Everytime I do manage to access it, I find evidence that he's still not over OW (just happened this weekend). I've brought up transparency a few times and I get NO response from him. VERY passive aggressive. S13 doesn't really know anything different. H does spend some time with him and he's very good with S when he decides to commit the time but usually everything/everyone else come ahead of S13 and I. We get his left over energy.
I'm going away on vacation in a week with S13. Can't wait to get away from all this.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Transparency (and no-contact) isn't something that's "brought up," it's something that's insisted upon. It is a BOUNDARY. Without stated consequences, and then following thru, it becomes more like a "GeeIwishyouwould" than a real boundary, as you are learning.
Boundaries are for the BETRAYED SPOUSE, so that YOU can feel safe again in the marriage. Unfortunately, these short lists of boundaries and "dealbreakers" can only really be communicated at the MAXIMUM LEVERAGE POINT -- that point at which your formerly cheating spouse is begging you to take him back. Once you agree to take him back WITHOUT these things, or with these things only casually mentioned (but not insisted upon), you're kinda stuck with what you got.
There's really only three viable reasons for his secrecy, and his reluctance to offer you transparency: either he's still in contact with OW, or he WANTS to be ABLE to be, or he's trolling for OW2 among this group of young people.
