MLC - standing by my man

[1000ships]

HeartsBlessing,

Thanks for your thought provoking questions and comments. I faced these same questions throughout my Stand.

There have been some who've said the MLC'er needs to move out to face their issues, but have any ever considered what kind of damage it does to the MLC'er when ASKED to leave by the LBS?

Each LBS knows their limits... I had a good working idea of what I could stand.

I think you answered it yourself. I believe in my vows and felt it would be abandonment were I to have not chosen to Stand. But like you, I also knew I could handle it. But since each MLCer differs and the reactions and responses of the Standing spouse lead to changes on the path, different things are needed for each situation. Separation is risky--though often the MLCer leaves and the LBS is not a part of this choice. I prefer not to recommend separating unless the situation is dangerous or the LBS is not strong enough to handle living with an MLCer.

[Kicking the MLCer out] could also be seen as taking away the power of decision away from them; especially when the LBS has kicked them out because of OW/OM, without at least giving them a decent chance to maybe break this off on their own.

I found this comment the most interesting because I lived it. I had a multiple returner; total there were 8 in/outs. A few of those were days to a week or two, most were a 3+ months. I kicked him out on only one of those occasions. I think that many will see a contradiction because on most occasions I steadfastly believed he needed to make the choice to move out. But why and what was different about the single occasion when I literally forced him out?

It was simple. He was taunting and promising to leave...to the point that I knew it was a matter of time and he would go, but but he wanted me to break and be the bad guy. When I kicked him out, he was not trying to leave but had been trying to be in a marriage with me while now secretly continuing to see the OW. He had been home for a year and we'd been in counseling. It was a boundary issue that if there was an OW (always the same OW) I would not allow him to be in with me; he knew that. When I discovered he was still seeing her, I first confronted him. His Mom had been in the hospital on the same floor where the OW worked and he had (darn it) had valid reason for bumping into her. He caved quickly. The next day I said goodbye when he left to work and then packed his bags. I met him at the door when he got home, escorted him from the back where he entered to the front. It was that fast. Had he crashed on his friends' couch inst ad of at the OWs', I might have let him re turn home within a few days, but I knew he would go to her--he always lived at her place when not at home. Had I not acted swiftly regarding this boundary issue, he would have escalated and become worse since I had not maintained a boundary but instead allowed myself to be abused.

It is also important to note that I did this with complete certainty that he would want to return. This is not the case with all MLCers. He quickly began begging to be allowed to return and telling me he would be the Stander if I filed for divorce. Unfortunately I caved and let him return without upholding my other boundary--no moving directly from the OW to me. That was a boundary because we had done that repeatedly and it had failed. A direct move may succeed in other situations, though I would be hesitant.

I know some MLC'ers leave on their own, but what about those who try and come back, and are blocked by the LBS who says the MLC'er is not "ready"? Is it possible the LBS is the one who's not ready?

Absolutely. Both the MLCer and LBS need to be ready. I was wondering if your question had an intentional implication that if it is the LBS who is not ready, she should let the MLCer return anyway. Though I fear holds people back and often being ready is a byproduct of doing, I feel it is important that the LBS feels safe and strong within her own Self to deal with reconciliation and what might be a premature return.

Having hope is NOT the same as expectations

Few people understand this and yet it is fundamentally important. Even dictionaries get it wrong. Linking hope with expectations is dangerous.

Thank You and HUGS