What to do when their friends suggest leaving?

[Bummedout]

Well, if this happened in your first marriage then it seems you would have some experience under your belt to deal with it in your second marriage.

Not really CG. As I said above, I didn't do anything about it because I wasn't aware she was even talking about this with her friends, so I have virtually NO experience with how to deal with it. One thing I did learn is that not dealing with it sure didn't contribute to a healthy outcome.

What would you have done the first time around? And why aren't you doing it now if the advice you are getting here is not suitable to you?

If I had it to do over again? Heck, I have no idea. And contrary to what seems to be becoming popular belief here, I'm not here to fish for "what I want to hear" and simply will blindly dismiss anything I don't want to hear. Like I've said a few times already though, is that "It's out of your control, do nothing" has, in all of recorded history, on virtually every topic is not real good advice.

I already know I can't "control" it, and I can't stop it from happening. But, and here is where I'm genuinely perplexed, there are surely ways to help mitigate the damage, even a little. For example, showing her the article.

One thing I'm a little disappointed in, is that I started this thread apart from my other thread, because I wanted to hear what people have done or not done about this particular situation. Instead, I keep hearing from people who feel that doing nothing is best, and apparently it isn't even based on personal experience for most.

It's also annoying that people want to keep telling me that her conversations with her friend isn't the whole problem. I know that. But it's part of the problem, and it's a part that personal experience DOES tell me really shouldn't just be ignored.

Nobody is suggestion you follow anybody or any concept blindly . . .

I know what you're trying to say, but believe me, there are PLENTY of folks in my two threads on this topic who suggest exactly that, and get testy if I don't concur.

. . but there comes a time when one has to accept there are certain things out of their control.

And this may very well be something that is out of my control. But just how out of my control is my concern.
Again, this is why I keep using the term 'mitigate'. I may not be able to solve this part of the problem completely, but if something I say or do might lessen the influence, then in my mind it needs to be considered and discussed, for the possible benefit of all of us.

And your W talking with her friends (which says to me she is looking for validation on her decision to leave you which also says to me she is unsure about her decision) how can you stop it?

Well that is the entire crux of the matter. On this, I believe you probably have it pegged. She may be unsure and is looking for validation. The problem is, when friends supply that validation.

It would be naive to think that friends can't directly influence someone "on the fence" in either direction. I myself have pushed a friend back toward their wife when he was considering leaving her. Did I make the entire decision for him? Of course not. But I was there, I know I had an impact, and I can assure you, that in his state of mind at the time, it could have went the other way pretty easily.

What doesn't help is her friend is an attorney (not a divorce attorney, thankfully) and being a certified paralegal (formerly) myself, I understand how persuasive one has to be to be an effective attorney. And in her field (tort and criminal defense) . . .she's pretty effective.

The next time she mentions talking with her friends put a big smile on your face and say "that is wonderful W, I am so glad you have people to talk to" and go about your business.

And she would SO know exactly how insincere I was being, at least with that particular friend. Yesterday, I just half-cheerfully said something about the car (serpentine belt started squeaking)when she went to visit her friend, and went about my business. Right now I AM doing nothing about it . . . and judging by the chilly vibe when she got home . . .doing nothing isn't exactly moving me ahead in this game.

Honestly, if this has been a problem (granted, not the sole issue) in two marriages perhaps you have to try and figure out what the common denominator is.

Oh yes, must be my fault, heheh. Well I'm not perfect. In my first marriage, I did take my Ex for granted to an extent. But I always treated her with respect. Never yelled and ranted, about anything. I supported her in anything she wanted to do. Never asked where she was going or where she had been, other than anecdotally to make conversation. I just assumed she was as serious about 'the vows' as I was. I took for granted she'd always be there.

I learned not to take anything for granted. Frankly, I'm a pretty good catch. I have virtually NOTHING in my life that I've done that would freak me out if I saw it posted on a billboard. I'm not unattractive, I'm reasonably intelligent, funny . . .when not discussing my life falling apart anyway, faithful, not afraid to work, a good protector and until a few months ago a good provider. I'm a good friend. A half decent listener. I support and encourage her. I tell her I love her every day . .at least until a week or so ago and it doesn't seem appropriate at present.

I don't know what else to say without sounding totally conceited. I'm a danged good and honorable man . . .without a job, and she should know that isn't by my choice. And I haven't been sitting around the hose.

Just reading this thread you want to control the direction of the thread.

Oh yes, I'll cop to that, mainly because few folks are actually addressing what I'd asked for: Their experiences with trying or not trying something relative to this part of my situation.
Frankly, I'm not exerting a lot of control, as evidenced by my playing along and discussing these issues that aren't what I'd started this thread for.

That isn't so much an attempt on my part to exert control, as it is my not blindly subordinating myself to others opinions. For some reason, "not being a simp" seems to lead folks here to think I'm a control freak. I think even my ex would disagree with that assessment. A good tip in life is never take "blunt honesty and openly forthright" to be "a control freak" thing.

You want to control how much influence your W's friends have on her.

You couldn't be more wrong. For starters, at least right now it's ONE friend I'm worried about. And I've never even REMOTELY tried to exert ANY influence or control over her or her friends, when she visits them, talks to them or anything else. Even this friend I only stated one time that I had misgivings about her discussing our business with her. In your defense on that statement, It was in the other thread that I told ya'll I did tell her I didn't want our business being discussed with this woman, and not fifteen minutes later I apologized (no conditions) and told her I had no right to tell her that, but it did bother me.

Other than that, I've not tried to "control" anything. Some of you folks use "Control" WAY too casually and are FAR too quick to label anyone who doesn't roll over belly up as "control freaks. I'm not sure what that means, really. I DO know "the dynamic" of this board is different than when I first came here when my first marriage fell apart. WAY less supportive and interested in helping each other, and seemingly more interested in picking folks apart and getting ticked if they dare question your thoughts and opinions. That is counterproductive to ALL of us.

There are certain things in life we have no control over. We certainly can control how we react but that is really about it.

How we react is what it's ALL about . . . . and I'm trying to just how to do that, rather than how not to do anything. While I do appreciate your taking the time to give me your thoughts on the issue, some of what you've concluded is simply wrong, and more than a little insulting, actially, in some of the implications. That being said, I think some of you could be helpful if ya just cut back on assuming you "have me pegged" and are experts on something many of you clearly have little insight on.

Again, I started this new thread on when friends work against us specifically to hear stories about when people tried to mitigate this specific situation, both successful and not successful.

Instead I get "Do nothing . . . because we say so" and "You're an arrogant pompous control freak" Think what ya will, it's your loss if you feel that way. What I want is to hear others experiences with actually TRYING SOMETHING, successful or not. Maybe "doing nothing" really is the best course . . .but not one person here has really made even a mediocre case for this assertion, and in my entire life, "doing nothing" as a best course of action would truly be a first.

Who Tried something?