Her good friends are telling her to fight for M...W told me about this in the last week. At least three that I know of, two female and one male. I realize it isn't bad...but so far, it hasn't done much of any good.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Have you accepted what I was saying that there are groups of complaining wives, and others to feel part of the group may also issue their bashes, just to feel like part of the group?
Their not always trying to issue damage. Its definately REAL bad when they really are trying to cause damage.
Hey DLS, Yea, I've seen that, even growing up with my Mother and her friends, heheh. I'm not so much talking about women complaining about their hubbies generally. No doubt I have my idiosyncrasies. I tend to leave my socks in the living room, I'm a little sloppy around the coffee pot in the morning, and I like to discuss politics much more than my wife cares to. I'd like to think I keep it in check, but she might have a different version, who knows.
I'm talking about the conversations that specifically concern thinking about leaving the marriage. And the friends who try to be "quasi'balanced" or even just out-and-out champions of her leaving. By "quasi-balanced" I mean the ones who try to appear balanced, by starting out with, for example: "Have you tried to work it out? Maybe you could go to counciling" and a few more 'sensible-sounding' queries, then cut right to "Well maybe you should leave him if he doesn't make you happy" kind of stuff.
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
I'm seeking ideas/anecdotal experiences with ways other folks have dealt with this situation.
You handle it by ignoring it. Focus on what you can control. Gucci is right the friends aren't the problem so don't even bother with them. It's very feminine to get emotional about what other people say, it's very masculine to be about your business. Be a leader, be confident, be decisive and stay focused. This is attractive to women.
I'll be honest, I have a very hard time buying that. I'm well aware of the effect friends can have on peoples views in myriad situations, so it simply doesn't make sense that this is some sort of 'Island topic' where her friends views have no will have no effect on the outcome, so it's best to just ignore it.
Heck, I know from raising kids that there are things we can do to mitigate damage of "advice by their piers" and I've seen what happens when parents "ignore" this influence simply because there isn't anything they can do to control what their kids friends tell them. I simply have a tough time buying the assertion that ignoring it is the best course of action. Of course I'm also aware there isn't much I can do to stop it from happening. I've also never ever, ever, in any situation in life, found a problem situation where "ignoring it" wa s the best course of action.
And yes, I'm also aware that this "friends advice" issue is only a small part of the overall problem of my wife wanting out. But again, in my last marriage ending, it actually played a pretty significant part, I have the benefit of hindsight on that note. Been there . . . "ignored it" because I didn't really even know it was happening until after the fact for the most part, and it DID play an indisputable part in my marriage ending.
As for the "Masculine/Feminine" thing, I'm quite comfortable with my masculinity, and I'm not being particularly emotional about it . . .at all really, in front of her. I'm in a 'holding pattern' until I figure out what the heck is really going on.
I appreciate your opinion, coach and a few others, but I'm gonna need more of the "how and why" simply ignoring it is supposed to be the best thing I can do.
To be honest, it almost seems like everyone thinks I should just blindly do what I'm told on this issue . . .which I have no problem with, as long as it's backed with sound reasoning.
Ironically, "blindly following advice" has gotten a lot of people into trouble, and is actually quite what I'm worried about in this topic: My Wife blindly following 'sage advice.'
Work with me here, please. I'm not trying to be stubborn . . .even though I suppose that's exactly what I'm being. For that I do apologize.
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
Coach told you "why". The "why" is because you can't control it and don't need to control it. Trying to control it presents problems in itself.
Your experience tells you it matters, so truth is you are going to ask the question on this board until someone tells you what you are looking to hear.
I'm with Coach and Gucci. Let her go to her friends for emotional support. You can't control it. At the end of the day, she has to make her own decision. She doesn't sleep with her friends.
And yes, I'm also aware that this "friends advice" issue is only a small part of the overall problem of my wife wanting out. But again, in my last marriage ending, it actually played a pretty significant part, I have the benefit of hindsight on that note. Been there . . . "ignored it" because I didn't really even know it was happening until after the fact for the most part, and it DID play an indisputable part in my marriage ending.
And what are her friends advice?
Quote:
A man was traveling from one city to another city when he met an old lady sitting beside the road. Wanting to know about the people in the town he was traveling to, he stopped and asked the old lady, "What are the people like in the next town?"
She looked at him and asked, "How were the people like in the town that you came from?"
The traveler answered "Oh, they were wonderful, kind, courteous and friendly!"
The old lady said "They are the same in the next town."
The next day another man was traveling to the same city when he met the old lady sitting beside the road. Also wanting to know about the people in the town he was traveling to, he stopped and asked the old lady, "What are the people like in the next town?"
She looked at him and asked, "How were the people like in the town that you came from?"
"Oh, they were terrible, the meanest, most unfriendly people that you would ever meet."
The old lady looked at him and said "They are the same in the next town."
We all have a choice in how we see things. Your wife is a adult and can choose for herself. I choose to focus on things I am responsible for.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well, if this happened in your first marriage then it seems you would have some experience under your belt to deal with it in your second marriage.
What would you have done the first time around? And why aren't you doing it now if the advice you are getting here is not suitable to you?
Nobody is suggestion you follow anybody or any concept blindly but there comes a time when one has to accept there are certain things out of their control. And your W talking with her friends (which says to me she is looking for validation on her decision to leave you which also says to me she is unsure about her decision) how can you stop it? IMO you cannot.
The next time she mentions talking with her friends put a big smile on your face and say "that is wonderful W, I am so glad you have people to talk to" and go about your business.
Honestly, if this has been a problem (granted, not the sole issue) in two marriages perhaps you have to try and figure out what the common denominator is.
Just reading this thread you want to control the direction of the thread. You want to control how much influence your W's friends have on her. There are certain things in life we have no control over. We certainly can control how we react but that is really about it.
Coach, Yes, she's an adult and can make her own choices, right or wrong. Problem is, that sometimes when one makes the wrong choices, others (me) also pay the price. Sometimes, there are things that can be said or done to help people . . . even adults . . . consider other avenues they might not consider otherwise. But according to ya'll: Nope, nothing you can do, give up on that, move on to other things" . . .which seems like some pretty bad advice, and again, I've NEVER, in ANY situation in life whatsoever, seen where doing nothing was the best choice. And I have full intention of moving to other things I can control, I'm already doing it, actually. But I'm more than capable of dealing with more than one problem at a time.
For this part of my problem to use an analogy, it's kinda like being a mile off shore in a rubber raft and finding three holes in the boat. I only have two patches, and my friend says "Well fix the two holes you can control and forget about the other hole, ya can't do anything about it."
Well . . .I'm gonna keep trying to figure something out. And if I have Cel service in that boat, I'm gonna call and ask others if they have any possible solutions. Hopefully, I won't keep calling folks who advise me that "nope, ya can't fix that hole, might as well forget about it and pay attention to the other two patches until ya sink."
The reality is that the more problems that are dealt with, the more likely a successful outcome. I'm quite aware there are "other holes I can control more effectively." Near as I can tell so far, what I'm seeing is " I don't know of a solution or mitigation, therefore there must not be one, forget about it Bummed and just work on the other two patches"
In the other thread I started on a similar topic, I stated I had considered showing my Wife an article on how bad ones friends advice can be and why. Since it was written by a professional, and directly applicable to our situation, it might give her something to think about. I was told that would be a bad idea, since it would be seen as "controlling"
I'm not seeing that. It isn't like I'd Tie her up and make her read it. I've NEVER been asked to read something, even if it was something I didn't agree with, that I felt was controlling merely by virtue of being asked to read and consider it. Annoyed on occasion, yes, but did I feel like I was being controlled or manipulated? Nope.
Even supposing it was perceived that way, I find it difficult to believe that it would be something that couldn't be overcome, mainly by the reality that I'm not a controlling person, I think even my wife would get a laugh out of that assertion.
And reading this, even if it ticked her off initially, might sink in a little after a few days, weeks, or whatever. In a nutshell, I'll take my chances on a half step backwards today to gain a few steps over the longer term, possibly when something her friend says strikes a cord covered in the article.
On the first question: My first wifes friends advice? "Dump him" . . . She took it. She worked with these people, and from what I was told later, it was pretty relentless. One example that stuck in her former bosses mind, and I remember getting a 'weird vibe" when I made that call to her at work: I asked her to pick me up some dowels from Scotties (hardware store) on her way home (Yes asked, NOT told) I got some out-of-her-character defiant responses (turns out her buddies were listening) And I pointed out to her (yea in a semi aggravated tone) that she worked right across the street from the store (literally) And I'd have to drive twelve miles (24 round trip) to get them.
I just said "Fine, I'll gett'em myself then" and did admittedly figure she would get them anyway. Well . .she didn't, and made a special point to let me know that fact when she got home. I didn't argue back, I just went and got them. Again, I'm not a particularly confrontational person, particularly on little issues like that.
Her boss said they went on ALL DAY about what a control freak I was, "F83K him" "He can get his own dowels, you aren't his slave" etc. etc.
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
