My WAW - Chat/Text Msg affair with her ex

[Dan1977]

I screwed up again I guess...my life is such a soap opera. I made the lawyer appointment, but I made the mistake of telling her sister and mother to let them know my intentions aren't to put the screws to my wife, I just want to know my rights. I wanted them to hear first hand that I want my wife back, but she isn't stopping the texting and I needed to see a lawyer to find out what my rights were. I made the mistake of thinking they wouldn't say anything to my wife because they were so against this affair my wife is having. I haven't talked to them, but her mom called her and let the cat out of the bag. I don't know how the conversation went down, but it infuriates my wife that they consoled me and wanted me to talk to them a few weeks ago about everything that is going on. Now my wife is spinning it like they don't want me to talk to them and to stop bothering them. I know she is lying because I know how they feel about the situation. I'm not trying to turn her family on her, they were the only ones I could talk to at the time and they invited me to their house to talk and wanted me to keep them updated. Obviously my wife does not like that, so there was major divorce talk today between us. I'm almost to the point where I feel I'm hanging off a cliff by my finger tips and it's just easier to let go anymore. But everytime I see my kids faces, I know divorce is not the right answer.

I have somehow got to figure this out for the sake of my kids. When we were talking, there wasn't major heated discussions, except a few times when my wife tries to act like I'm controlling everything in her life. This pisses me off because that is completely not true and the only thing I was trying to control and had an issue with is her talking to her ex OM. She tries to act like I need to trust her and she was gradually stopping the texting, which actually there wasn't as much texting going on as there was a few weeks ago. Whatever though, it's still going on and I think it's inappropriate to be talking to her ex about intimate details of our life. Things were so good this last week, but it's crap again, at least tonight.

My wife is so dead set that divorce will fix things, so I kept saying fine, let's get divorced because that will make everything in everyone's lives better. I told her I didn't agree with that thought process and didn't feel it was what was best for our childeren and I was sorry she feels that way. I know, I know, I shouldn't try to explain my side to convince her, but at this point I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything anymore, I'm speaking my peace about how I feel and what I don't like. I'm letting it all hang out, and if she doesn't like it, then fine I guess divorce is what's best.

She said she now wants a "trial seperation" this summer when our son gets out of school (which she has said this before), but she's not moving out. I don't even know what that means. If she lives here, and we're not divorced, then we're still married and nothing has changed. She said she doesn't want any of my money, which aggravates me because I don't care about the money, she tries to make it sound like that is what I care about. I care about my kids and I want them to have a family and everything else at this point doesn't matter.

I don't know where to start anymore, I know I made a mistake of teling her family about the lawyer thing, I wish I had an undo button on that one. She has dropped the lawyer talk to me on more than one occasion, but today she said it was just an act. She acts like when I call her out on the texting, I need to let her come back (or not come back) to me at her own pace and let her deal with it. She still swears up and down she doesn't feel like that about him, and she's just talking to him because they are in similar situations. Well in my mind, especially with an ex, that has got affair written all over it.

I'm not denying that my wife is having an affair, whether it be emotional or god forbid physical. I know she has checked out of this relationship a while ago which I'm trying to come to grips with. She is not happy right now and I don't want her to be in an unhappy relationship. But I believe in marriage, I believe in being with the one you're with, and I have a family to fight for and I don't want to let go and let my family come unglued. In my mind we have petty issues that have spiraled out of control because I wasn't in tune with her or I felt like she was bitchy and nagging me, or I didn't listen to her etc...Agreed, these are problems, but they aren't deal breakers and those are things that can be fixed as we go through life. There's not drug abuse, there's no physical abuse, none of that. So I feel like we can salvage this marriage, and work on our weaknesses and focus on the positives. Maybe I'm dreaming, but I read Divorce Remedy, and I am convinced staying married is the right thing for me and my family and I'm not going to give up and throw in the towel. What I am struggling with is my method to my madness and I am struggling with this A with OM. I have told her what man would act rationally knowing his wife is in a text messaging affair. I am trying to let her know that if we do get divorced, let it be on our own terms and not in the heat of battle during this time when she's addicted to talking to her ex. I told her as long as she's talking to him, her vision will not be clear and there will be continuous confusion. Her response is she's felt like this for years.

This is where I need to shut up and stop justifying/explaining the situation. My wife has her mind made up in arguments, and she would rather die than even compromise the least little bit. I don't know, I can't explain it, when things are good with us, they are really very nice, but when they are bad they hit rock bottom at times. My wife didn't have the best childhood growing up, so she over compensates that she is not going to get walked on like her dad did her mom. I know her family past bites me in the butt often, and I automatically get compared to her dad and how he was, and she has it made up she won't go through life like that.

Man I wish I could just make a video of what is going on around here like reality TV and everyone could be giving me pointers on what I should do, or shouldn't do etc...I am seriously considering calling one of these coaches soon even though I'm seeing a therapist. I need answers fast before my wife is gone for good and my family is split forever. I'm in a rough spot in my life, but I am so confident if we can make it out of this rut, our marriage will be rock solid in the future, and that is what keeps me going everyday. Everyday my family is still together in the same house is one more day I have an opportunity to try and make things right around here.

Dan