WAW and me in 11th hour!!!!

[Ken62]

Just finishing a full week of NC and took S24 to the airport this morning. Back to an empty house. D19 got some great news about her upcoming job at Disney World this summer where she will be joining S24. She called me right away but didn't want to talk to W. W found out from D19 Facebook status update I think.

Heard back from my lady friend from the John Oates concert about her coffee date with W. She said that she mostly listened and that W is definitely in need of help but does not see that.

W said things like "Ken is unstable" "Ken has been suicidal" "Ken is turning the kids against me" typical crazy WAW stuff but it still is hard to hear.

W says that OM is "perfect" and feels that she is the victim in all of this and that I am the bad guy.

She says that our 4 hour phone conversation (the last time we talked) was her "talking me down". What a pile of crap!

She still thinks everyone is judging her. I just find it fascinating that if she is worried about my mental state that she didn't say anything to the kids to be sure and watch out for any problems with Dad while they were staying with me. I have told the kids of my concern for their mother's mental state.

She also commented that she got some strange text message from me last week (see previous postings above) saying that things are over but it was really strange. Well I'm not sure how it could be less clear but to a WAW in a major fog I'm not sure if anything can be made clear.

My friend did bring up a couple of things with W, the first was that the kids have to go at their own pace and the second was that she thought I was doing everything right by going to counseling and going to church and my mens group and relying on friends and both of these were met with a shutdown by W.

My friend did also bring up the fact that it is just sad (which I totally agree with) and that I shouldn't get down but just consider the source and the state that she is in. It just boogles the mind!

My S24 had a great phrase that he borrowed from Scrubs to describe his Mom last November when he was trying to help me and it always brings a smile to my face and helps me in times like this.

"She's just a big ol can of crazy" right now! No disrepect meant to anyone's sitch, it just makes me smile.

[Ken62]

Finishing week 2 of NC and there has still been NC between either of us.

Did a lot of GAL this past week. Friday had a "double date" of dinner and a show with my office mate and his wife and my younger lady friend. After the show the younger lady friend and I went back to my house to have some ice cream and watch a movie.

Saturday was getting ready for a party I had at my house for some of the cast from our show since it had been two weeks since closing. 10-15 people showed up and we had a good time eating and watching Young Frankenstein and playing some games.

Sunday I went to church, mowed the lawn for the first time this year, went to see the closing of a wonderful show by myself and then had an impromptu "dinner date" with a friends co worker who was in town visiting family. She has been divorced for 6 years and our kids are pretty much the same ages and genders and she is 52 and I'm 48. It was a nice dinner with talking and she gave me some advice and we both just had a nice time talking and listening to each other.

Monday night younger woman stopped by and we watched another movie and talked. Tuesday night went to a show with another lady friend and then stopped over at younger woman's place and talked some more. It is nice spending time with other people who are supportive and good listeners and also still call me on my sh!t.

Have different things planned for Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights and then head to Philly on Sunday for a week as one of our clients is "going live" on our software. Have an IC session on Saturday.

Still hearing from all the kids and I keep our conversations to just me and them and don't even bring up Mom. I've just finished the book (CDs) of "It's called a breakup because it's broken" and really enjoyed it and it was very helpful. Also ordered 4 new books from Amazon.

I know that W is in rehearsal for a show but that is about it.

The only thing that seems odd about NC is that it kind of feels like playing "chicken" or having a "mexican" standoff with my W. It's like neither one of us wants to be the first to initiate contact. Kind of a stubborn thing. "I'm not going to give them the satisfaction." Is this pretty typical and what kinds of "messages" should I be getting from this?

Maybe I'll post next week from Philly.

[Ken62]

Hello everyone from the city of Brotherly Love where I am on a business trip. Well 3 weeks of NC done and I am feeling better about myself and enjoying life more. Have been out several times to see shows and to go to functions and just getting out and GAL.

NC from W at all in those same three weeks. Not sure how she is doing and haven't even tried to find out. Had IC on Saturday and told C about things that W had said to mutual friend. C said that it was sad to hear how things have changed since she saw her in her office 6-8 months ago and that her focus has changed from what she had originally wanted for herself.

I too think that it is sad but there is nothing I can do about it but work on me and enjoy doing things for myself and with other people that I enjoy being with. Saw a show Saturday night with younger lady friend and one person said that I seemed ten years younger than when she saw me 4 months ago and I told her what was happening. That of course made me feel GREAT!

Read robx' thread the last few days and love how it made me feel about what I am doing and how I am doing it for myself and that it doesn't matter if my W ever comes back or not because I am doing great and liking where I am and looking forward to the future with my kids. Going to ask a different woman out for dinner and a show this Saturday. She is going through a pretty painful D after her H cheated on her with one of her D teachers and is still with the teacher!

That's all I have to say for now. If you have any advice for me I would love to hear it.

Thanks!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ken, you sound great . . . and STRONG!

Very happy for you. Your wife will probably respond at some point to your changes. Could take another week or two, or it could take a year. But she WILL realize what she has lost at some point. In the meantime, ENJOY YOUR LIFE!!

Puppy

[Ken62]

Ken, you sound great . . . and STRONG!

Very happy for you. Your wife will probably respond at some point to your changes. Could take another week or two, or it could take a year. But she WILL realize what she has lost at some point. In the meantime, ENJOY YOUR LIFE!!

Puppy

Thanks Puppy, that really means a lot coming from you and wouldn't you know it, while I was writing last night I was getting an e-mail from my W. I will post it next for feedback but I just wanted to thank you for all you do here for everyone!

(((Puppy)))

[Ken62]

Well as luck or fate or whatever would have it, last night while I was writing my update I finally received an e-mail from my W. I didn't see it until this morning and I haven't responded to it yet.

Here's the e-mail:

Ken,

I haven't contacted you until now out of respect for your last message to me in which you said Goodbye. As I am preparing to move to Illinois for the summer, and have to empty the apartment, I contacted Divorce Mediator (DM) to find out if she would be willing to help us with this last piece of the process. She is willing to speak to us (via conference call) to help us find our way past this last hurdle; the division of the assets in the house (and apartment).

DM suggested that we make lists of what we would like to have and discuss them. I have a simple list of some personal items that I believe you may have always expected me to take. As far as the joint property items, I will leave behind most of the furniture if you want it and are willing to compensate me for my half of the value. Otherwise, I have been offered an inexpensive storage space for the summer and would hope we could divide everything up and I could have it moved out before I leave town on or around June 6th.

Let me know your thoughts,

W

Looking for any feedback. I was thinking of sending the following short message:

W,

Out of town and will respond sometime next week.

Ken

Again, any feedback would be welcome.

Thanks everyone!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sounds good to me. I might add a "Hope all is well with you," or some other such common pleasantry. But I like the brevity.

Puppy

[Gardener]

Perfect.

[Ken62]

Never thought that I would post song lyrics like I have seen on other threads but I have been listening to my Dan Fogelberg albums and came across one of my favorites called Lonely in Love which I believe could be the anthem for the LBS.

Lonely in Love by Dan Fogelberg

Some say that love is it’s own
Love is it’s own reward
But I can’t help but believe
There’s got to be more.

A man needs a woman
To have and to hold
To love him in body
As well as in soul
I need your desire
Where did the fire go?

I keep trying to sleep
But sleep won’t be mine tonight
There’s so much sorrow inside
And baby, I don’t know why.

I give you your freedom
I give you my love
I give all I have every time that we touch
I don’t know, baby,
Maybe I give too much.

Chorus
Now I’m lonely in love
Why must I be lonely in love
I’m so lonely in love
Baby why must I be lonely
Why must I be lonely in love.

I know that love carries no
She carries no guarantees
But still I can’t seem to
Find a reason that I can believe in
You said to be patient
And give you some room
You said you had changes
You need to work through
But the longer I wait
The farther I feel from you.

(repeat chorus twice)
Baby, you’re my one and only
Why do you keep me lonely in love

[Ken62]

Well since NC was broken last week and will be broken for the upcoming month while we determine the "furniture issue" I thought that I would take the opportunity to send my W an e-mail yesterday. Here is what I wrote:

<start of e-mail>

W,

Thank you for respecting my text message to you several weeks ago. I hope that it made sense to you and the fact that you didn't ask for any clarification gave me that impression. The “Goodbye” may have seemed a little dramatic but it was what I needed at the time.

During our last talk I told you that I needed space and these past several weeks have been wonderful for my healing process so thank you again. I have been telling you all along that I was going to leave you alone and I have finally been able to accomplish that. You know how to get a hold of me and you should feel free to do so if you ever need to.

Happy Mother’s Day and thank you for giving me three wonderful, amazing kids!

I hope you find what you are looking for,

Ken

In a message dated 5/5/2010 9:45:23 P.M. Mountain Daylight Time, W writes:
"I haven't contacted you until now out of respect for your last message to me in which you said Goodbye."

<end of e-mail>

And this is the response I got from her:

<start of e-mail>

Ken,

Thank you! I was remembering my first mothers day today and I am so grateful for our three beautiful children.

W

<end of e-mail>

I'm sure that I may have come across as weak and I am ready to take any 2x4 but it was something that I needed to clarify and I really wanted to reach out to her on Mother's Day because I don't think it was a great one for her and it was always one of her pet peeves with me in our R so I looked on it as kind of a 180 but I'm sure I'm just rationalizing.