didnt realize you knew the OW so well. that stinks even more!
i think some people in general have a tendency to find pleasure in self-denial and pain. When I first read through DB/DR I realized that a lot of WAS seem to feel they are not deserving of a happy relationship. Seems like they'd rather sulk and take the hardship of separation and divorce rather than seek therapy or help. problem is that no one can make a person see that happiness is possible except for that person. They should hand out DR/DB in every state around the world when you go for a marriage license! To make couples see that every marriage has ups and downs! that it is in fact common to feel 'out of love' with their spouse. but feeling that way and accepting that feeling as the only way that marriage could be is just absurd! They need to see that a marriage is like a roller coaster and just because your down, doesnt mean you wont get back up!
People in crisis, do not see themselves in crisis. Alcoholics, and horders, and abusers and addicts do not see themselves in crisis, they think they are in survival mode and are doing what they think is best for their lives. Meanwhile, they are not only self destructive but hurt people along the way, and honestly i dont think that is their intention. Yes they are incredibly SELFISH!
P, has your H considered counseling for himself?
Glimmer of Hope: Ran into someone yesterday who I hadnt seen since her H passed away a year ago. I asked how she was holding up and she said great, she'd just been on a vacation with a group, and how blessed she was to have been with her H for 44 years. i couldnt help but feel sadness and a little jealous! i want at least 44 years with my H too!
She grabbed my hand and said honey I know how you feel. I shrugged it off and said I am doing better each day and she squeezed my hand harder and said, honey, i was in your shoes. My mouth dropped in shock. WHAT? This women and her husband were a beautiful couple with 2 daughters. Well respected, polite, intelligent, warm, just all around great people, that anyone and everyone loved to be around. But yes, he left her with two young girls, and she was devastated. H said he was not in love with her. She was fortunate in that her H did come around and wanted to spend time with the kids, and after THREE years of being separated, they got back together. THREE YEARS!!! WTF!!! But she said they both grew into better people and parents b/c of it. She said it was hard, but she knew in her heart they were meant to be a family. And that deep inside he would find his way back to her.
her words of advice: -look your best and always take care of your body and mind -if he wants to be involved let him -ask for help - be strong -let him go through what he feels -you cant force him to fall in love with you... no one falls in love w someone in days... takes time and a sound mind -he needs to recongize this all on his own. -LBS all want immediate reconciliation, but that in fact is not healthy, and this is your time to grow! so better yourself...
she basically couldve written DR 40 years ago!
my point is, we can only try to do what we read and hear from our counselors, and couples who have been through it. Their advice and messages seem to be consistent. and in the meanwhile, we become fantastic, or at least great parents who get along nicely...
piano, do not give up all hope, no matter the distance! You two made it work before. he could not be so happy lving miles away. perhaps that is the one thing that could open his eyes!
TWO WEEKS LEFT!!! I hope you will pop-in time to time to keep us posted on the baby too...
i am hoping your H will find his way back home... and out of the fog...
