Boy I hope I'm not being naive here. When I asked before she said, "it would be easier if there was". Because then she would be completely done. And we agreed to no dating. She said if I dated it would "hurt my chances". I just dunno.
And if there was an OM, I have made it clear before that I would pretty much be done. So if she wanted out for that reason, wouldn't she tell me? And during my snooping, I just feel I would have seen phone calls, I had access to her contacts so I was able to ID each phone number.
So today, I have no idea what to do. It was a bad day, was pretty down. I feel at this point that I can't put myself through this any longer. Having this hope seems to kill me inside little by little and day by day. I feel like telling her that I'm now having doubts, that I want to go to Retrouvaille with her, and if afterwards everything is the same, we go our seperate ways (heck, I'll pay for all of it, been saving!). I don't believe in divorce in our situation, I know our marriage can be saved, and I don't want a divorce. But I don't know what else to do, or if I can even go on like this. I just started posting here but my sitch has been going on for quite some time now.
If anyone has some thoughts on this please share. My head has not been right lately, and I don't know if I'm thinking straight. Feel free to be very blunt. And thanks
Detach. Start doing things for yourself again. So you want to save the M. Okay, fine. So put that in the back of your mind. But start doing things for yourself again to rebuild your sense of worth and self-esteem.
Hang out with friends, do what you love to do, anything that doesn't have to do with the M.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hello MrBond, yeah I am in the very early stages of that (I think). I do want to save the M, and I just can't agree that divorce is an appropriate solution here. The hard part for me is maintaining sanity. Am I supposed to actually convince myself that it's over and proceed that way until the D goes through? I just... I'm barely eating anymore. I'm literally dying of starvaton, my body is to the point where it's devouring itself. I have called to set an IC appt cause I need it badly. But something needs to change. I dwell... a LOT. Always have. And it seems the only thing that will get me out of this funk is to call it quits!
So you suggest I call it quits in my mind, but not to her face? It just seems to me that she has no intention of reconciling, and is just giving this time so in the end she can say.. "well I tried". And get a huge pat on the back for even doing that.
Detaching isn't about calling it quits, or whatever. It's about letting go. Right now she has power over you because YOU are letting her. Is she the one who isn't making you eat? No. YOU ARE.
Start thinking about yourself for starters and your needs. Don't even think about her or how your actions are going to affect her, etc. Start thinking about your health and happiness.
In the beginning stages it's tough. But she's not giving you a second thought, why should you?
You don't have to tell her anything or communicated with her at all. It's a way to get your own head straight first.
What you're going through is grief. Grief over the death of your R. Eventually we all get out of that grief. You stop dwelling on "why" it happened, and start saying "I will do this for me today".
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks, I like that. Appreciate the advice. I'll try my best!! I just hate it when she texts me and asks me to do things for her. I want to tell her not to, but then she will just shoot back with "well I don't wanna talk to you anyways!" Oh the games we play. She texts me today saying she will call on my lunch because she wants to talk about stuff, my heart starts pounding out of my chest, fearing the worst... then it turns out to be something little, when we are supposed to be on NC. Perhaps that's why it was a bad day, because I was in contact with her!! Thanks again MrBond!!
So when did you become her personal b*tch? When she tells you that she wants to talk to you at a certain time, just tell her that you're busy at that time and YOU will let her know when you're free. Then don't respond. When she asks you why you never got back to her, just remind her that you were busy and that it just slipped your mind.
So you've shown her that you don't follow everything she tells you to.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
