WH has been nice to me lately, talks a lot about reconciling, helps with the garden when he comes in, etc etc etc. Thinks his job may be in jeapordy. Says he can work from my city, maybe, or will find a job out here, maybe.
But THEN, when I start being nice, he keeps trying to convince me that he should keep his own place in his city, his own lifestyle, and of course most of the income (one for all - he works for us; and all for one - we should support HIS needs).
Keeps decorating his apartment, designer furniture. The whole place is like that, he keeps using money that should go to the family (if he really friggin cared about us like he says he does), but no, it goes towards making him look like rich big city guy.
He gels his hair, wants a tatoo. Thinks he's "Jason Stackhouse" the 20-something handsome dude from the series "True Blood" (he’s 40’s and not!)
He tries to tell me that he needs to be in his city to work, and I need to be in my city to work - that's why we are in 2 cities. Bull. We are in 2 cities because he left us in a sold house.
I was so frustrated that tonight I told him so (paragraph above) and he called me "impossible" and then stormed out and drove away.
Now says he's trying to make it work, by denying him a place to live near work in his city -- I am proving that our relationship doesn't work. All my fault. And no, we can't live in his city with him because the kids and I are better off in my city (sort of true, but not the point, why should I live on my own and rasie the kids as a single parent?!!).
He keeps trying to get me to fool around with him, and I say not until he gets testing done to prove he doesn't have something, and he says he doesn't need to because he's never ever been with anyone except me (not true and this is so frustrating already).
He keeps doing this to me over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
I am basically invisible to his friends and family and coworkers, who believe he has moved on, not keeps trying to "date" me.
He goes to all these shows and events in his big city, all week long, then comes to my city saying all he cares about is us.
He keeps drawing me in over and over saying this time it will be different. The kids believe him, want to believe him, he is their Dad. They don't understand what he is doing to me, and why I get upset.
Your H is attempting to manipulate you, which is totally normal given the situation.
Yes filing for D is an option…
Is that an option you want to pursue?
Personally, I think it is time to just start living for you and you alone. If he wants to assist with something, like moving furniture, fine, but I don’t see where doing anything for him, or allowing him to do anything for you (decorating your room) would do you any good.
The time has come to continue living your life. You and your children are settled for now. I would simply stop having the conversations about moving. You are looking for him to indicate reconciliation by agreeing to one of you moving and he is not ready for that. Because he knows you are willing to go there, that you want to go there if he will agree, he knows he still has you on a string. Because you are letting him keep you there. Which is part of why he keeps trying to have sex with you.
While your answer to that is appropriate, it shows that you are thinking all about him and his actions and not about you. I would love to hear your answer be more along the lines of “I don’t want to do that with someone who only wants that from me”. This is not a casusual relationship.
Until you can really stop letting your life, your decisions, your desires, be affected by every thought this man has and every action he shows you, you will continue to live in this state of confusion.
If you can detatch, just simply accept the kind gestures for what they are instead of looking for some hidden meaning, watch him continue to live his life and be accepting for what ever he is trying to do for himself (as crazy as it may seem to us), you may not wonder quite so much exactly what the meaning behind everything is and you may start to really find the peace and answers that we all seek through this.
While no one can tell you what those answers will be, you will know what the right ones are for you.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Well, on the plus side, we're doing well. Suppose I should say that sometimes!
- Teenager got super-early admittance to college to take some courses while still in highschool. - Pre-teen got IPRCed to an academically gifted program. - Both have made some very nice friends here. - I have the coolest kitten in the world! - I got invited to speak at a very prestigious international conference in my field. - I have some very nice work friends. And some outside work girlfriends who want to get together and do some fun things. - I'm OK financially, at least for now. - WH does miss me and is very helpful when he's not being an MLCer.
I still don't intuitively understand what you are saying, but maybe if I hear it enough or in different ways it will make more sense to me. I don't know why I can't see it! Though I guess WH sees that I can't see it, which is how he can manipulate me. Maybe?
The "I don't want to do that with someone..." part - he DOES say he wants to reconcile, and I think he means it. He just wants to keep his other world too. To come to my city means he will give up most of his big city work reputation, which is considerable. For us to go there, means I would give up my career and the kids their home again, and we ARE thriving here in many ways.
That is why this move, 12 months ago, was such crucial timing. And he caved in under the pressure and ran. He shouldn't have run. Don't know how to get out of this trench that resulted.
SCH - Look at the facts & listen to your intuition...not to your wishful thinking. Does it feel right?...or not quite...you seem to have so many misgivings about his behavior.
As I'm reading your posts I see a slight progress in him, maybe he is drawing closer, try to re-read your posts and see if you can see any clues.
I know how hard this is...take your time, the answers will come to you.
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
But from WH's perspective, most of what he see's is me and the kids thriving without him, and me pushing him away because he won't commit.
But the only thing that scares him is me finding someone else, and someone that is "better" than him (his insecurities here).
But since I'm not dating, nor divorced, and working full-time and raising kids in the absence of a singles social circle, that is very unlikely to happen.
So he just keeps going with this stupid strategy of his.
I really think the only way he might stop is if I date, or get divorced. But then he'd probably just go off on his own way anyway, blame it all on me, and then any chance of R is lost.
Sch - I'm so discouraged myself...am I ready to give up? No. I have 36 years invested in this man....good years with a good man. I'm not going to trow all that away because of MLC. He may make the decision for me...but at this time I'm still hopeful that my guy will come out of this.
Yours is giving you much more hope then mine is giving me right now. So go with that and decide if you want to be patient for him to come full circle. In one of her posts to me HB said that when they are trying to reconnect "Things don't look right, smell right or taste right"
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
