tired of trying...

[beingreal]

I hope you have a productive meeting, gr8. I'll be watching to see how it's done.

H called yesterday, I needed to talk to him about the car insurance that's coming up. I got the paperwork for renewal and found that he'd gotten a speeding ticket in November that he didn't tell me about. He paid it, but never mentioned it. Weird. He acted weird that I had asked him about it--it had raised our premiums by $30 a month, I just wanted to make sure it wasn't a mistake. He somehow managed to take that wrong and told me just to drop him off of if it was going to save money.

That wasn't my point, I told him I wasn't going to drop anything until there was something legal to go by. That led him to ask me what it was I wanted out of this--if I wanted something legal. he asked a couple of times until I finally told him that I had wanted to stay married, I had wanted to be married all along but he had ignored me when I told him how I was feeling, that he hadn't wanted to married enough to work at for all those years when it felt like I was the only one fighting for it. Now I was done wanting to fight for it. I'm sorry, I love you, but I can't live like this anymore. Not yelling. Not sarcastic. Just stated very calmly.

He started to talk about how he felt that I had dumped on him and used him a treated him & the kids so badly.

I didn't defend myself. I told him he was right. I said that I had started to pull away from him so strongly that I'd hurt our family, that there was no excuse and that I was sorry. And I am. Validating didn't seem to make him feel any better, or diffuse the situation--he just kept right on going, and I kept right on listening. Eventually he started to get on the nasty side, so i stopped him, told him I wasn't going to do this and if he wanted to have a conversation where we weren't pointing fingers at each other then he should call me.

We kept talking, he'd been looking for a job, he'd wrecked his motorcycle and gotten some nasty road rash, he'd been helping his mom out around the house since she hasn't had very much help for a while. He sounded a little sad.

I don't know what he wanted me to say. Not "come home". Not "we'll work it out". I don't know that he's going to work on himself, and we can't work on us until he does. I think he needs to stand on his own for a good six months before we even bother to go out for coffee.

Maybe I'm just stressed out or sad or whatever, but I'm having a hard time believing that I'm going to ever be close (physically and emotionally) to any man ever again. Not H. Not anyone. the very thought kind of makes me sick. I always thought I'd have no problem dating again (NEVER married again), but now the very thought of it makes me a little nauseous. Not that I'm thinking of dating (H or anyone else), I have just been reading a lot of threads lately talking about dating & I found that I can't even imagine being there. I'm almost convinced this part of my heart is gone forever. And that's a little sad to me.

A little. lol *sigh*

Input on how to proceed w. H? He called again tonight & "chatted" with me for a few minutes--mostly about his injuries (not in a woe is me way, I kind of think he needs to go to the ER but that's just me). I don't know if he's just getting lonely or what, but I don't know what to do when we're just talking about nothing.