Too Late For Us?

[timehealsall]

I'm glad you were able to keep it together and not get into a fight with WAS.

She seems like she is still very confused.

I pray that she comes to her senses. You continue doing what you're
doing. Hugs!

[mrbt]

So now things with court are tabled until May?

Yes and No. I asked "If this is your plan then file a Order of Reconciliation (this puts the divorce on hold)" She said "No."

Her plan as of last night is to go ahead and schedule a hearing date at the end of May. This is one reason I said that I don't think she has any intention of working on the relationship.

Doesn't it sometimes feel like you're being baited?

I don't know . . it feels more like I am dealing with two different people sometimes. She did seem rather drunk last night which puzzled me because I didn't see her drink very much (couple glasses of wine).

She called me this afternoon and apologized for being nasty - it turns out she doesn't remember much of what was said (this is scary), or walking home, or posting stuff on facebook. She told me that she thinks her anger is a combination of the alcohol and the fact that she suddenly stopped taking her antidepressants (didn't know this 'til today).

This (the anger thing) happened last time she went off the antidepressants. If you are taking antidepressants and want to stop you are supposed to tapper of gradually.

[Number 8]

She called me this afternoon and apologized for being nasty - it turns out she doesn't remember much of what was said (this is scary), or walking home, or posting stuff on facebook. She told me that she thinks her anger is a combination of the alcohol and the fact that she suddenly stopped taking her antidepressants (didn't know this 'til today).

This (the anger thing) happened last time she went off the antidepressants. If you are taking antidepressants and want to stop you are supposed to tapper of gradually.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! The stopping medication! I have some excellent personal experience, as that is what my H chose to do. He quit cold turkey, and I didn't know it at the time. I found the bottle after he left.

This is very typical of those with depression, and the more severe the depression, the more likely it seems they will stop taking it. Everyone I know who has done this quit taking medication because they "felt so much better and realized that they didn't even NEED medicine"! Oh, this hurts so much. It hurts them, and it hurts those around them. In some cases, people who suddenly stopped have had seizures and other nervous system problems.

Has she decided to start taking them again? My H is still cured, so he doesn't need his, of course.

[ShockedOne]

From what I have seen in the past, those that quit taking meds say they feel better off of them and never realize how bad they can behave off of them until they get back on them. It is frustrating and really not a whole lot you can do.

[mrbt]

She started taking the med again on Friday. The last two days have been good. I will just wait and see how things go from here. Monday is a counseling day for her and this always stirs things up.

[mrbt]

Journal / Update.

Things have been calm lately. We spend time together. Either she stays at my place or I stay at hers. This morning she made a comment about dumping one of the two apartments.

I suggested keeping "our" original apartment (the one she lives in) and she said "What if I decide not to stay?" (meaning, she has not made a decision regarding the divorce). I told her it didn't really matter; she could stay or go. The last time we actually talked about the relationship, her plan was to wait until the end of May and then make a decision.

The wildcard in all this is her counseling. It really stirs things up for her. She wants me there for emotional support but then when things become too intense, she feels the need to run - run from the marriage, run from her problems.

I am not sure what to do from here. I think I should probably stay put for now but living under one roof is tempting. Sometimes I wonder if restoring some normalcy to our marriage might help move things in the right direction.

[mrbt]

Hi All. Just a quick update for anyone that cares to know.

Things have been calm with us lately. In fact, it looks like I will be moving back home this weekend. This sounds like good news but I am not so sure. Wife has not agreed to file an order of reconciliation (lawyer talk for canceling the divorce ) - she has not committed to work on the marriage.

It went something like this . . .

We have been spending most of our free time together ever since the divorce hearing was cancelled. Sometimes she stays at my place, sometimes I stay at her (our) place, sometimes we stay apart. We get along well expect for this creepy "I plan to divorce you some day" thing that floats around in the air.

The idea of dumping one of the two apartments was discussed a couple of times over the past few weeks. Yesterday I made a comment about it - no discussion.

I went back to my apartment to work ( I work from home ) and later returned to her apartment for lunch. I found her in the process of moving furniture - preparing the spare bedroom for me to move into.

The plan is to live together but have separate bedrooms. She is not making any commitments regarding the marriage -- she wants to continue her counseling and "see how it goes."

So, what do you think?

On one hand I like the idea of being home. I am okay with the separate bedrooms. We get along - we don't fight - we enjoy each others company. And, we'd save about $1,000 per month. On the other hand, this leaves me in limbo land.

[MrBond]

I don't get it. Have you two been intimate with each other while you're staying at each other's places? What were the terms of you going back home or are you doing it strictly to save money?

If it's YOUR joint home, you should have the right to go back into your bedroom unless it was stipulated that you were going to sleep in a spare room. I mean if she is the one with the issue, why do you keep having to make concessions?

Sounds like you're letting her continue to drive the crazy train.

[mrbt]

MrBond. Thanks for your reply.

First, regarding the question about the who gets which bedroom. Its an apartment so both bedrooms are identical. I don't feel like I am making a concession (I have the bedroom furniture if that counts for anything).

Regarding the question of intimacy. Yes. . . a few times. However, we have agreed to avoid sexual contact for the time being. My wife was sexually abused as a child. She is currently seeing a counselor to deal with the affects of the abuse. The counselor has suggested a "vacation" from all sexual contact. Recently, when we have been intimate, it has turned out badly due to flashbacks and/or a negative emotional response - it just does strange things to her at this point (hasn't always been this way).

[MrBond]

When you aren't sleeping in the same bed or room with your W, it's a concession. From your answer, I'm assuming she said you will be sleeping in separate rooms.

Also as for the sexual contact, I'm going to have to say that the way it's relating to her past is pure BS. You've been together for 25 years. It's not like you're newlyweds. Right now your W is choosing to equate abuse with you. It's a choice.

Trust has to be rebuilt, but from her side. Let's face it. You've never abused her but for some reason she is choosing to paint you as the bad guy.

My suggestion would be to do an activity together that increases the adrenalin and requires you to be interacting with one another. A ballroom dancing, tandem skydive or doubles tennis, etc. Just something.