Not sure which way to go anymore

[Mystik]

Newmama ~ Telling DS no to talk to me about the baby is a boundary I have considered. But my IC pointed out that if he doesn't feel he can talk to me about that, what else will he start to hide from me? But as to H, definitely no baby talk.

Abbey ~ How do I work with his guilt? By not talking to him but instead letting my actions showing him I'm not ok? I repeated your line about how he's screwed up today to myself, had a breakdown in the car while driving home and soothed myself with that mantra. It definitely feels daunting to try and work on myself now, thought it is the best time. I can barely get myself up and out the door in the morning, just that takes all that I have. But one day at a time, one step at a time.

June ~ At this point, yes I would totally take him back and worry about how to deal with OW later. I know that's not a realistic attitude to have, but I just miss him so much.

[Mystik]

Very glad I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow. For the past couple days I've been feeling very detached, like I'm in a bubble or something that is separating me from the world. I'm also quite numb, almost completely devoid of emotion and feelings except for an occasional breakthrough of anguish. It takes everything I have to just get up and going each morning, and by evening I'm drained and don't want to have to function anymore.

[Abbey]

Abbey ~ How do I work with his guilt? By not talking to him but instead letting my actions showing him I'm not ok? I repeated your line about how he's screwed up today to myself, had a breakdown in the car while driving home and soothed myself with that mantra. It definitely feels daunting to try and work on myself now, thought it is the best time. I can barely get myself up and out the door in the morning, just that takes all that I have. But one day at a time, one step at a time.

He's bound to be feeling the guilt of not being able to "do it all". It's a guy thing. Your husband was about to leave, wanted to leave, said things to you that he can't fulfil, but you already know all that. To him though... the ramifications of it are going to hit him. My H actually said to me after we broke up after the mini-start... I thought I had lost you forever. (he made the stupid mistake, never the less... in his mind,... he thought I would no longer want him.)

Your husband will test the waters I suspect. That's what I mean by working with the guilt. Don't make him feel crappy as such, but instead understand where his actions may be coming from. (as hard as that may be.)

I found that once I got a handle on just how messed up my H was... I had to stop taking it personally. It wasn't about me, it was about him being a freaking mess. Same with your H. He's ripped your lives into shreds... and probably in his mind... now has sunk any chance of coming back to you.

As you've said to June... you'd still go back to him. Soooo... tread carefully with the guilt... be the good guy here... stand your ground, don't have to be a door mat, however... if you still feel you want him back... then you have to keep DB'ing.

At this point, yes I would totally take him back and worry about how to deal with OW later.

It's not necessarily unrealistic. Maybe I'm biased, but I felt the same way. I HAD to play the thing out. As I think do you. Something is itching at me,...he'll be "back"... at some point,... he'll be back. He didn't want to be with her, now he has to... also out of guilt. He's screwed in the head... he will come out of it. Your job is to be STRONG as nails when he's ready to come back... so that you have a chance to "deal with the rest of the junk" later.

*hugs*
Abbey

[Mystik]

Abbey, the same feeling is itching at me. I just feel like our story's not done yet. I do need to realize that he's messed up in the head right now, it's not about me. I am a sensitive person who takes everything to heart though so it's not easy for me to stop internalizing this. I am just clinging to that hope that we're both right and he does come back.

[Abbey]

A couple of random thoughts...

I like to read... spent time reading stuff on human nature, peoples reactions etc. Can't recall which book it was, however it went into great detail about "resentment" and how it will eat away at a relationship. Here's what we know. He wanted to leave. Now he can't. Choices have been, in his mind, taken out of his hands. He didn't have a say in this pregnancy. He's gone back there out of obligation/guilt/doing what he thinks he's supposed to etc/misguided sentimentality/god knows what else. Then there's the impact of his relationship with your child and yourself.

All of it (IMO) spells a doomsday scenario for Miss OW. There are dozens of avenues where big time resentment will build up. Resentment will make you HATE another person over time. As I figure, Miss OW and your H aren't going to have a happy ending. So playing it out, isn't unrealistic.

My T was amused how I would lay out what was probably going to happen "next" and how close I was to the path things took. I operated under a quote I heard once where the best way to win a legal case is to make the other person's defense first, that way you can dismantle it. It made it somewhat easier for me to deal with the ups and downs before it was "my turn" again. If you really think about how human nature works,... and read what you can on it... figuring out where his potential next moves might be... makes thinking what you can/should do easier. And it gives you a lot of control. But be realistic. He might just slide down the mountain and you'll have to move on. I don't think you're there yet, but I do think you have to look at ALLLLLL the potentials and decide how you will deal with each of them. Don't force the moves... they take some time to play out. It DOES give you control... and makes this thing a little easier.

Now... my own "after the fact" thoughts. Looking back,... because I spent a lot of time gathering knowledge of midlife crisis stuff ... and knowing that my H's tramp was a true narcissist, I picked up books on personality disorders, and what makes "her" tick. I got pretty good a knowing what she'd do before she did it. I DO however wish that I had spent some more of my time "enjoying" being single.

And I guess that's where I'm going with this for you Mystik, embrace some of your free time. Do things that give you strength (for me it was understanding) and I do mean this... even now that my H and I are together.. I MISS some aspects of being single. I wish I had of been a little more selfish about doing some things I have never had the chance to. (Go visit a friend in Europe, for example). Embrace your "singleness". It will help you two fold... no matter which way this thing goes... you'll be MORE than ok once it does play itself out.

*hugs*
Abbey

[Mystik]

Had therapy tonight, not sure how productive it was. I just sat on her couch and cried for an hour. It's like the song by Shania Twain, "It only hurts when I'm breathing, my heart only breaks when it's beating, my dreams only die when I'm dreaming". I am still waiting for someone to come wake me from this horrid nightmare.

H called me this morning, I let it go to voicemail. He left a message asking me to call him about this weekend, and his voice sounded like he was hurting. So instead I texted him that I thought he switched weekends, and he said he couldn't do that it was Mother's Day so could he see DS during the week instead, tonight and Friday? I agreed to let him take DS tonight, and said I will let him know about Friday though right now I'm leaning towards no. He then e-mailed me asking if DS had talked much about the circus and how he bought the tickets not realizing it was Mother's Day. I very simply replied, "He has not mentioned it at all", H didn't respond. So I'm not sure if he's still going to take DS to the circus or not, though selfishly I am hoping not.

[Mystik]

I am still waiting for H to call me or text me that he's leaving OW, she's having an abortion and he's coming home. But I'm afraid that he's already signed the lease for another year living with her. I don't understand how he can go from two weeks ago saying that he couldn't stand the thought of another year where he is to happily signing on for another year. How can he turn the emotions off so easily?

[Mystik]

I wish I had a crystal ball or something to see into the future and know what is going to happen. It will make the present so much easier to deal with if I know how it's all going to turn out.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am still waiting for H to call me or text me that he's leaving OW, she's having an abortion and he's coming home. But I'm afraid that he's already signed the lease for another year living with her. I don't understand how he can go from two weeks ago saying that he couldn't stand the thought of another year where he is to happily signing on for another year. How can he turn the emotions off so easily?

BRAIN CHEMICALS.

Physiologically, Mystik, he's a mess right now.

Puppy

[Mystik]

I keep teling myself that, Puppy. That he is screwed up in the head right now, and it is not my fault.