Husband being hateful and cruel. Is this a stage?

[covenantkeeper]

CK,

If this was alwasy in your husband, if this was just how he is...

Wow...you choose poorly. Are you that easy to fool?

Think about it.

LOL! Jack, you really know how to get through to someone with the direct approach, don't you? No, my husband was not always this way. NO WAY would I have married him if he was! He was a very kind, generous, loving, treated me like a queen kind of guy. Now, he has turned into a monster who hates my guts and goes out of his way to hurt me. Which is why I don't have much if any contact with him anymore. I might be a slow learner, but it finally dawned on me that he could only hurt me over and over if I allowed it to happen.

Months ago I went out of my way to find reasons to talk to him. At least then he was talking to me and hadn't progressed to the hateful stage. When I decided I needed to pull back, he got mean and nasty. As a matter of fact, the more I don't talk to him the nastier he is the next time we talk.

I do believe in MLC. I just noticed there are so many similarities in bipolar disorder that I wasn't sure if it was one or the other. My h has always had a negative attitude. So much so that I would call him BA. (from The A Team) He was the pessimist and I'm the optimist. Well, now that he's immersed himself in his own pity party and whoa is me act, he's more negative than ever! And, if I had all the crap going through my head like an MLC'r does, I would probably act the same way. I can't get over how he is literally acting as if he is following a script with his stages of MLC. Even the phrases and things he says to me are just about verbatim to what I've read on here and in Jim Conway's book Men in Midlife Crisis.

Since I realize what is happening to him that has helped me to not be upset by what he says to me. The re-writing of our history together and the outlandish, "no one in their right mind would ever believe stuff" he comes up with has actually helped me to not be angry. That is not my husband saying those things. My husband is a very intelligent man. He would not believe all he's telling me. Heck, if he heard someone else talking like this, he would probably tell them they need to see a counselor! And, yet now that it's happening to him, of course like everyone else in MLC, he doesn't see that he needs help. He actually believes his new re-written history of our lives. And that's the part that is scary to me. Just the knowing that I can't do anything about this and have to sit back and watch him fall apart is torture to me.

I am terrified that if he does not come to grips with what actually did happen in his horrible childhood before our divorce is final, it will devastate him when he realizes what damage he's done. But, again there is nothing I can do to stop that from happening. Yes, I pray constantly for him!

I almost think it's easier for him to not face reality because he has moved away, doesn't see any family, doesn't go to our church anymore; basically doesn't have anyone around him that would challenge him or demand accountability. And, of course I realize that's what they do! They have to feel better about themselves, so they surround themselves with people who are worse off than they are. And those people certainly aren't going to criticize him since compared to them he's got it all together!

This afternoon I went to the doctor because my allergies are trying to kill me. I mentioned my husband's latest accusations towards me and the doc just brushed it off. He said "well, that's what happens in marriages. You've been married a long time and it takes 2 people to work on it. We may never find out what is really going on with him." At first I felt like him and h were ganging up on me. Then I realized I was the one acting paranoid and our doctor just can't be a go between for us. However, last November when this all started the doc let me know that my h had been talking to him for over a year about our marriage and how he had no feelings for me. Why the doc did not realize what was happening is beyond me! The medical assistant suggested that I change who is allowed to pick up scripts for me and can get medical info. about me. Right now it's still my h and my daughter. I haven't changed it yet. I asked her why she suggested this and if she could tell me if h changed his. She looked and sure enough, his says no one but himself can get any info. about him! Amazing. That makes me wonder if anything happened to him if I would be allowed to make emergency decisions for him and would be told anything about him. The medical assistant also told me my h is a completely different person than who she knew. She said she does not like this new guy. I am comforted just knowing someone else sees what I see.

So, Jack I have a question for you. (even though I already know the answer) I know something has triggered this memory he buried from his childhood, which was awful for him. But, how long does it take for someone to work through that and realize it's not your spouse that caused this? Like I said, I think I already know the answer...no one can know when he will realize this. But, I guess my question is more of a generalization. Is there a normal time period or is there a stage they are going through that would hasten this process? It seems to me the longer it takes him, the more damage is done, and instead of absence makes the heart grow fonder, it's more like out of sight out of mind!