Whenever you're trying to break a cycle, the outcome is ALWAYS let go of, as you're taking a chance when you go completely dark in the case of OM/OW/OP.
It's a crap shoot, it could go either way..and you need to understand this when you draw the final line, and go dark.
If my husband had been determined to go on with OW, he would have done so, and I KNEW that..but wouldn't accept his behavior.
I GAMBLED on this and "won", so to speak, being willing to lose all to hopefully begin to gain him back. But if I hadn't, it might have continued to cycle, with OW continuing to suck him into the loop...she kept calling him and drawing him back toward her, as an affair is an ADDICTION of the emotional kind.
I was illustrating an example by using what happened with my husband for a reference, yet, it was up to HIM, as the ball was left within his court when I turned away from him, showing in action that I'd MEANT what I said AFTER I confronted him hard...if he'd left, that would have been HIS decision, not mine. But he didn't, OW left the picture, and I was left with a severely damaged man/child to deal with. Mine never did leave, and I dealt with him throughout.
I followed my instincts in the beginning, and continued right on into the end of this. I had some help, as we all need that. And I learned a great deal out of it.
Things got bad many times during this, and I nearly did either leave him or ask him to leave. But, I didn't, knowing somehow if I did, he wouldn't come back to me. But I didn't "hold" onto him, I just left it up to him as to what he wanted to do, all the while, continuing to work on ME; leaving him to twist in the wind for a time.
The feelings of the MLC'er toward the LBS are still there, but buried deep within in them. Sometimes, the LBS must be strong enough to make a stand within a cycle in the hopes that the MLC'er will come foward TOWARD the LBS.
There is NO excuse for adultery, none; MLC or not.
Remember, if they CHOOSE to go on with OW/OM or otherwise, nothing is lost for the LBS, but the MLC'er loses everything, they don't "win" anything.
What you need to understand that when the MLC'er within the tunnel has ripped apart their families, AND committed adultery, in that process, they have damaged themselves...the character fault shows clearly within...whilst the LBS retains their integrity, self-respect, has NOT damaged themselves nor their wedding vows.
This crisis totally gives the LBS the freedom to choose what they want to do, and they do NOT have to stay and wait on the MLC'er...they CAN move on with their lives, learning the lessons, and somewhere down the road, they will see this more clearly.
NO expectations is part of this, but at certain times, certain stages, and in the case of cycling, a STAND must be made. Otherwise, this could be repeated for months or even years.
I wrote a 'sermon' on cycles which can be found here:
Scroll down, you'll find the section on cycles; it explains more fully in more detail.
I hope this helps.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thx. Starting to come into focus...I think the confusing part is how to lead...seems to me you can't do that until you're strong yourself-lovingly detached...so you may go through a time when you can't be the leader...
Mila it's starting to look like I just hijacked. didn't mean to wanted to clarify.
Sorry
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks. That does clear it up. I just need to figure out when and if it is time to make a stand. Was confused about appearing to control the sitch. I will check out the thread you suggested.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I agree with everyone else Mila....You told him that you would talk business only....he is wanting more. Stay dark as you can. I know its hard to do....I tried to do it alot with my H but he would often hunt me down if I was ignoring his calls. He even drove up to my House one night and knocked on my Window to make sure I was ok. They cant stand being shut out of our lives, yet...they dont want to be with us....makes NO sense.
Hope you are doing ok today.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Thank you all for your sympathy, support & advice. So many of you have reached out to me that I will not reply individually, but I assure you that I treasure each and every one and read all of your advice and input and take it all to heart. You have no idea, how much I appreciate having you with me through all of this.
I didn't reply to any of his e-mails yesterday. Today I had to send him a business related email, I didn't include any greeting, goodbye or anything else "human" just the facts and numbers I had to.
WH already emailed me today asking if I want to have a meeting tomorrow. We are running a business, so I can't just ignore him. I think that I will reply that I can't see him and if he has anything to talk about about business to e-mail it to me.
He knows that this is not some kind of a punishment. I told him originally that it's to help me to deal with everything and it would make it easier for me if I don't see him, that it just hurts to much right now.
I personally don't think that me going dark is going to change his mind. It may make him miserable and doubt what he is doing, but he will persevere...even if he has doubts he will not "do it" to the OW...she has "sacrificed" so much for him, she is leaving her H & children. That's how screwed up this is.
Last night I went out for a social get-together with some of my divorce group friends. Had a good time, of course there was lots of talk about our crazy spouses but we also had some laughs. Good night...
Slowly pulling myself out of the gutter after the last bomb. Still cry and feel this incredible sadness that he's chosen to do this to me again. Also realizing that WH wants to have his cake and eat it too.
He's been using me without any regard for my feelings and what it does to me every time he flip flops. He gives me hope and then takes it away. I can't allow him to do that to me anymore. And the only thing that will protect me is DETACHMENT. There is a challenge for me to work towards.
Yet another email arrived asking me to let him know if something arrived for him at the house. I guess I just have to reply NO. Should I tell him to re-direct his parcels to his apartment so I don't have to deal with it?
Last edited by Mila; 05/05/1005:10 PM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
You should not be sharing emotions with your H, not telling him that you are hurt and need space. He doesn't care about you, and telling him these things gives him power AND adds to his guilt (which may make it harder for him to come back to you). The power should be going to you now. Tell us when you're hurting, but don't tell H. He is not your H, just keep remembering that. And remember NOT to listen to what he says, watch what he does. Look for consistency. If he does "X" three days in a row, you can be sure that's a pretty solid indication that "X" is an important thing to pay attention to.
Don't be so sure about the power of the dark, I got my H back the first time he had an A by finally saying I had enough and physically getting up to leave. He was completely head over heels in love with OW at that point, she was his "soul mate" and he was not wavering at all, until I reached my hand for the doorknob. He grabbed me in a bear hug and sobbed and begged me not to leave. I had reached a point where I was done. Problem was, I took him back too fast and he rebounded. Going dark works, that's why Michele uses it in her book.
I would just put a forwarding address on the package when it arrives, and do not reply. Him sending it to your house sounds to me like a control issue for him. He is trying to control the one thing he thinks he can control, you. Don't let him. He needs to learn to control himself, and you take care of you.
When I told WH that I don't want to see him, I made sure that he understood that this is for me, that I'm done and I have to heal and I'm getting on with my life without him and it would help me if we had minimum contact. That I'm not letting him do this to me anymore.
So if he has guilt...so be it, but hopefully I made it clear to him that this not trying to control him or punish him.
About the going dark changing his mind? He seems so obsessed with this women and as long as SHE wants him I doubt that he will reject her. I'm just trying to be realistic, not negative. But never say never...right?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
They cant stand being shut out of our lives, yet...they dont want to be with us....makes NO sense
They want it all, they don't seem to realize that live is about choices. Your H has already regretted his and I hope mine will also one day...mind you when he wanted to R only a month ago he told me that he regretted that the affair ever happened and he may have believed it at that time, and a week later she contacts him again and it's back on...mind is a curious thing, is't it?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
H went to try a new gym couple of day ago and to get a free tryout, you have to give the your information. So he did. My address and phone number. Now I'm getting solicitation calls from the gym. grrrrr
Another one....D is supposed to go to visit a friend in the summer and my H took in upon him self and arranged the dates and the plane ticket, without checking with me what my plans are with D for the summer. Just sent me an email that he did that. I have a vacation booked in that period of time that we were supposed to go on with D. Now what....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Tell your H that the plans he made without consulting you will not work because you have a vacation already booked for yourself and D. (Don't tell him he was included) Tell him you're giving him fair warning so he has time to change the plans. Tell him in the future that he needs to consult with you first as to plans of this nature before he finalizes.
You can convey this in a business like tone without it coming off like you're angry. You're in control of this now and your H gave up that right when he made poor choices. Let him feel a few consequences.
Tell the gym that H gave the wrong address and phone number and give them his.
